Hey y’all!
I’m a 34F who’s been dating a 41M for the past few weeks after matching in Hinge, and it seemed to be going really well. Tale as old as time, I know. 🙄 We started off fairly slow by exchanging a couple messages every day or two for about a month before we met up. Chemistry on the first couple dates was electric; we laughed a lot and time just flew by. I wanted to take the physical part slow since I have childhood sexual trauma and intentionally only sleep with people I see real potential with. On date three, I initiated some more serious convos about relationship history and what we were both looking for in a partner. He mirrored a lot of what I was saying: wants to get married someday, is looking for fun but also someone to be serious with and lean on for support, companionship, etc.
He later told me during a phone call I initiated a week later that he liked me and was not dating other people. During that convo, I told him I did not need us to label us or be official yet since we were still learning each other, but that in order for me to move forward with physical intimacy, I needed to be on the same page. I wanted clarity that he liked me, that he saw our connection progressing, that we were exclusive in terms of dating, and that he was aware I do not have casual sex. We seemed on the same page, so I felt safe to move forward.
We had a couple great dates, and the sex was fun. Lots of cuddles, pillow talk, and sweet words of affirmation. He seemed into me, and I quickly found myself wanting to invest more. I was hoping in a couple more weeks or so, this would turn into something official. But instead, he’s slowly dropped off in communication, stopped initiating plans over the past two weeks, and finally canceled on me last minute this weekend. I wouldn’t say our texting has been super consistent over the past 2-3 months, but for me, the stakes got higher when we started sleeping together and that’s when it seems like he started to distance himself. I was planning to have a conversation with him about needing more consistency, effort, and reciprocity during our date on Sunday, but he canceled and has not reached out in about 36 hours.
Couple additional tid bits to mull over:
- He got fired a week ago. He was very insistent he was fine about it and relieved overall, and didn’t want additional support from me (which I offered!). He is also moving to a new apartment in a couple weeks, so may be stressed about finances.
- He canceled on me for this last date saying he was “kinda sick,” and run down from a really busy week. But he is no longer working and has mostly been “busy” doing his extracurriculars and hobbies. Even though I’m super busy, I make time for the people I want to prioritize, so I guess I’m really confused about the excuse. And he’s said it two weeks in a row now as a reason for either not being super communicative or canceling. He also did not apologize for canceling an hour before I was going to meet up with him, nor did he respond to my nice “get well soon” message.
- The first couple dates were a lot of fun, but all surface level. I have really been the only one to initiate anything deep.
- The last couple weeks, I also noticed he wasn’t really asking me questions about myself. He talked a LOT about himself and his life. I didn’t feel super valued or like he was as curious to get to know me as I was to get to know him.
- The shift in effort and communication seemed to coincide with increased physical and emotional intimacy. I let myself trust him, and now he’s withdrawn after successfully getting me into bed. That hurt my feelings a lot and made me feel used.
- Since I’ve initiated so much of our texting the past two weeks and he’s the one that canceled, I feel like I probably shouldn’t initiate again and wait to see what he does. But I’m going insane without the clarity…