Title is very strange I know, but I don't know how else to describe this. I just need some casual advices. tl;dr below if you don't wanna read much, not much of a great talker.
I just can't have any human interaction. I don't have any close friends. I do have some people I talk to in university but they're mostly in 3-4 sentenced awkward conversations. And that's the problem. I am boring and awkward when talking to people. Or maybe I couldn't find someone who has the same interests as me, who knows. I always engage the conversations first when talking with someone but it won't keep going. I even talk the most and force myself to be like an extrovert person but it's no use. And I tried this with sooo many people for many years. That's just how I am I guess, I am boring and awkward in my nature. Nothing I can do to fix on that part.
Though I have many hobbies like programming, 3d design, music, anime/manga, sports, books, games, cars etc. I can gladly enjoy my own company time to time but there's always this feeling in me that says "Keep trying, you'll find someone" and ruins my peace. But that's the stressful part, I logically acknowledged that it is impossible in my current state. You might think that hope is a good sign but it just makes me worse and feel more stressed about keep trying on socializing. My brain uses logic and goes "no way" but my heart goes "what if". There's no what ifs. I just gotta learn how to let go.
One of the factors is my appearance. Right now, I kind of force myself to look like someone who is confident I guess. Like a dude you'd see on clubs who'd have a temple fade, goatee, jacket with wide shoulders, you get the phenotype. But who I'd actually wanna look like is someone with long hair, a beanie, y2k style clothing, nose piercing etc. Not because it would look good on me, but because I would be happy with myself. But it's not that easy to do either because I live in a country where those types of guys would often be called the f slur or school shooter.
So basically, I need to let all of this bullshit go, be a man and learn that instead of worrying, I should embrace it and be happy. But how? How can I decieve my feelings to get the weight of forcing sociality off me?
TL;DR
Can't make friends or interact with people properly. Keeping on trying is no use and it's logically impossible for me to socialize. Brain says I can enjoy my own company with hobbies, heart says no you need people around you in order to be happy. I wanna remove that hope off me as it just cause pain. I wanna accept loneliness and still be happy.