What do I do?
So I started smoking (occasionally) and vaping when I was 12 and I'm 14 now. It all started when I hung out with the wrong people and I somehow got dragged into all this mess.
Sunday last week I had kind of a revelation and I was feeling like another puff from my vape would be like hell, I was genuinely so fed up, I told myself that would be the start of my quitting journey. Then Monday,I didn't vape at all because I truly didn't feel the need to. Tuesday morning tho, I gave in to the horrible thought and picked up my vape. Then I went the whole day without it. And next day aswell (even though I felt like giving in again, I tried not to) until I got home from school at around 7pm and I gave in again. Thursday and Friday were hell, but I successfully went through and didn't vape at all, not even a single puff. And today, Saturday, I gave in... Again.
Now, the thing is, on the days I give in, I feel like absolute BS. I feel like a failure for not being able to resist temptation anymore, like I'm scared I'm going to lose the will to quit in any second but I genuinely want to quit because when I started smoking,I was hella depressive and suicidal (even attempted a few times) and found smoking as a coping mechanism but I'm doing much better now (or at least I hope so) and I don't feel the need of a substance to fill in the void inside me. But I don't want to be a failure for failing to quit. I'm so scared I'm going to fall back into that horrible depression any day and I'll start smoking again. With every puff I take when I give in when I fail to keep temptation away, I feel awful and helpless and so so, SO disappointed in myself. And I don't want to disappoint others around me like my sister or mom (the only supportive people I have around)
Now, there's something more that I genuinely need to discuss and that's keeping me awake all night.
Ever since I started quitting, I gained weight. I've been horribly obsessed with my body image and weight ever since I was 11 and at some point for a while I genuinely loved my body and accepted my weight since my weight just refused to change no matter how much I ate. But it's different now. I'm really short (1.43m // 4'8f) so literally any weight I gain, it shows immediately. And I won't grow any more taller because of my genes, so the height won't even out my weight. I already gained 2kg this week (4lbs) and I can see the difference on my body.
So, the explanation my mom gave me: "when you used to smoke regularly, you used to replace food with smoking. Now that you dont smoke, you eat more to replace the need of nicotine." And it makes sense, but I'm so scared that I'll gain too much weight while quitting, I ate so much these past days it's genuinely concerning.
What do I do to get back to my original weight? How do I replace the need to smoke with something better? How do I get rid of the burning guilt whenever I give in to the temptation? Please, HELP ME.