My whole life i've put off bad vibes and had trouble making friends. I've never really understood why, but I think something clicked the other night
I was out in a yard with friends, kids playing, and a unfamiliar but friendly dog came into the picture. I was just hanging out until that happened, but the dog made me get up. Not because I wanted a fight, but because it feels like my purpose is to protect those around me, and if something went wrong I had to be ready for it. Obviously nothing did, but I realized that my face probably communicated the idea that I was ready for a fight as I interacted with the group before sitting back down.
I constantly have these little daydreams of being a hero. I think my face has been projecting this fight scene for years and I never really noticed.
I come from a pretty troubled childhood, so being ready for a fight (but not looking for one) seems like something I would do. I also really look for acceptance, so the daydreaming makes a lot of sense. I have a deep seeded need to prove myself to people and I think that thats how I earn their love. I know this is messed up, but something about my programming has kept me here. I dont really know a better way to do it, even though this way doesnt work.
Where do I go from here?