I (18m) apologize in advance this is going to be long, but I have no one else to ask that is not involved or unbiased.
For anonymous matters people involved are myself, my Dad (Fred), my Mom (Erin), my Dads Mom (Leah), my siblings (Zane 6m and Rowan 2f), my Dads first born daughter (Ella 16f)
Important info: my Dad is not my biological father, but the only Dad I know, Ella is his biological daughter and Zane and Rowan are my half siblings from My Mom and Dad.
My Mom and Dad have been together for 12 years, so I always knew my Dad wasn't my biological Dad but he is my Dad (biological father is a story for another time)
Ella lives in Utah with her Maternal Aunt, and has for the past 3 years. My Dad still has custody of Ella but not because he wants it, it is only to keep Ella's Mom from ever being able to get her back.
I hate sharing this on Reddit but I really need advice because I really don't know if I am in the wrong here or not.
I always tried to be welcoming to Ella when my parents got together, but this girl never liked me. For context I have always been big for my age (matters later). When Ella and I first meet, my Mom said let's do it in a neutral place so Ella didn't feel bad about the lifestyle I had compared to her (when my parents first meet, my mom and I were living with my grandparents and since my Mom is an only child my grandparents really did a lot for me, since I was not only the only grandchild but the son they never got to have.)
So back to Ella never liking me, I was 6 when I meet Ella. My Mom and Dad took us on a weekend trip to the beach thinking it would be a neutral place but a fun event and would help us get along (boy were they wrong). On the first night, Ella and I were sitting on the top bunk bed and Ella threw herself off the top rank and I mean really threw herself off and she started screaming, my Mom and my Dad came running into the room when they heard her crying. Ella immediately cried out "he threw me off the bed" at the top of her lungs, I'm only 6 I look around to see who she is talking about and realize she is talking about me. I was so shocked at her blaming me I just froze up but thankfully my amazing Mom was right there and said "Really?" Not in a concerned voice towards Ella but more of a WTF are you talking about. My Mom didn't even entertain the tears from Ella, she picked me up off the bed and walked out of the room. My Dad at this moment was mad, in his defense he didn't know his first born daughter was Satan incarnate and had been delivered to Earth to enslave mankind. My Mom just told my Dad, you should believe your daughter by all means as that is your child and I would question you if you didn't, but I am not going to fight all I will tell you is there is no way Vince (me) threw Ella off the bed, he would have broke something if he did and she landed on pillows. My Dad tried to defend Ella but my Mom was having none of it.
The next time Ella tried to get me in trouble was a few months later, my Mom, Dad, Ella and I were in the car and I was playing on my 3ds in the backseat. Ella all of sudden screams "he hit me" I just look at her again and this time my Dad get mad at Ella. Apparently he was watching in the rearview mirror and saw Ella punch herself in the chest and then blame me. My parents went back to my Dads place, and my Mom very calmly explained to Ella that I am more than 3times her size if I hit her then she would have a mark (she didn't). Ella still swore I hit her, my parents wanted her to admit I didn't her and she never would. Thinking back I actually think she believed I hit her.
This went on for a few years before Ella seemed to calm down and accept I wasn't going anywhere
6 years ago Ella was at our house and she asked to talked to my Mom. She told my Mom she was being SA by her biological Mom and her Mom's bf. Ella asked if my Mom would talk to my Dad about getting custody of her and moving in with us.
My Dad was worried because he had tried 3 separate times to get custody of Ella from her Mom, but because they weren't married and Ella's Mom was technically a stay at home Mom the courts never ruled in favor of my Dad. My Dad told my Mom he always wanted to get Ella out, but he couldn't.
My Mom told my Dad she will handle that, and she spoke to Ella about everything that happened and basically her biological Mom was selling her from a young girl, and that's how she meet her current BF and she didn't like playing with him and his friends. My Mom told her to stop there, and said you don't say anything else to anyone, she called the cops and immediately filed a report, but the cops said since my Dad didn't have any custody at all that there was nothing they could do it would be a matter for CPS.
My Mom is not a lawyer but she does computer forensic work of some sort to where she testifies in a lot of cases as an expert in information security things. I don't really know what she does, I guess best way to explain is she is a computer cop. So very knowledgeable about the law and computers.
After the cops said that, my Mom contacted an attorney have custody papers drawn up for my Dad to get sole custody of Ella both physical and legal, and left the house to meet with Ella's Mom. When she came back she had a notorized copy of the custody papers and she and Ella's Mom filed them in the courts (my mom had this woman sign over her rights, and go to court house to file everything in the same day) to this day I don't know what my mom said or did but I imagine has to do with whatever she does for her. I want to say my mom moved mountains to save Ella from the abusive household she was in and my Mom got Ella out of that house.
My Mom has had some pretty intense head surgeries and after she gave birth to my brother Zane, they found out she needed an emergency brain surgery. This was all during COVID, the doctor messed up and my mom was released 24 hours after surgery with a hemorrhage on the brain and she spent the next 12 months fighting for her life. She called every neurosurgeon in the country to review her file because she knew the doctor messed up (this was her 2nd time getting this surgery) she finally got a doctor at Emory to agree to review her file and after an few scans of her head realized she needed surgery immediately. This is super important information
To the reason Ella lives in Utah, during the time my mom was fighting for her life and trying to get a doctor to review her medical file and fix her head, Ella was actively trying to kill her. Everytime my Mom was on the stairs Ella would try to trip her or throw something on the stairs to make her fall, and would then start crying when my Mom would start yelling 'wth is wrong with you.' My dad actually got to point of wanting to divorce my Mom because he thought my Mom was lying when my Mom and I were telling him, Ella is trying to hurt her.
I started realizing Ella was acting really strange around Zane, was a little to excited to change his diapers or give him a bath. I had witnessed my Ella try to trip my Mom and I told my Dad what I was seeing Ella do to Zane. My Dad said she is just wanting to spend time with her baby brother.
When I told my Mom, she told my Dad Ella either gets medical help or she is leaving. Finally my Dad agreed and they put Ella on a 72 hour hold, the hospital then told my parents Ella needed to be admitted Ella on an intense psychological stay due to the way she talks about hurting people I will never forget the evaluating psychiatrist telling my parents "Ella talks about hurting people like she is talking about the weather."
At the mental health facility they would discover Ella was actually drugging and r*ping me, due to my size she didn't know how much medicine to give me so she would wait till I went to sleep and then bring the insomnia meds up and put them in my mouth she didn't want to kill me but thought 2 - 3 pills were enough to keep me out. She was also doing this to my Dad and was inappropriately touching my baby brother Zane. We also discovered that the wire cutters Zane got and got his stomach with, were actually because Ella gave them to him and she cut his stomach but blamed my Mom. She admitted to wanting my Mom dead, and when they tried to get to the source all Ella would ever say is she wanted my Mom to know what is was like to have a child that was SA so she abused Zane and me.
My Mom wanted to press charges but my Dad and his Mom Leah said no, she needs help not jail. Leah told my Dad is was wrong to charge Ella and she needed help, well my Mom didn't have to worry much longer because the cops and CPS showed up and told my parents, they only have 2 options due to the danger Ella presented to Zane.
my parents divorce and my Dad take Ella and live elsewhere, but he could only see Zane during supervised visits to ensure Ella never hurt him
Ella could be placed with another family member
My Dad didn't want to lose his sons and wife, so they told the detective and social services agent that Ella could go live with her Aunt in Utah or My Dads Mom Leah. Well Leah didn't want Ella, said she was too much to handle and she didn't want to lose her new husband in case Ella was lying about the SA she got from Ella's moms BF. Her aunt in Utah took her no questions asked, her aunt put up cameras, went to an apartment away from kids, made sure Ella was enrolled in an intense psychological program where she meets everyday with someone.
To the event that happened for this post. Leah has been talking to Ella (my parents and I cut contact with Ella 3 years ago and never reached out or checked on her again). My Mom and Dad had my sister Rowan 2 years ago and my brother Zane is still in behavioral therapy, he was delayed in speaking, potty training, he never wanted to be away from my parents, the therapist said all of that is normal for a child who was SA. Ella has honestly screwed up everyone's lives in my house but we are doing fine and are helping him. I love both of my siblings but I feel nothing for Ella.
Leah came to the house this morning and asked my parents if they could talk, my Mom immediately knew something was wrong because Leah hates my Mom and has made no attempts to hide it (told my Mom my Dad was cheating, plants her underwear in my Mom's house and tell her it's my Dads gf, sent fake messages to my Dad claiming to be his gf) both of my parents are in IT my mom the computer cop and my Dad is a pen tester/Linux engineer. So they knew Leah was making it all up, but Leah and her husband are actually good grandparents to Zane and Rowan which is why my parents don't cut them out completely.
Back to what happened, Lead explained she has been talking to Ella and Ella wants to come home and told my Mom it's time she either let my Dad be a Dad to Ella, since my Mom stole Ella's chance to have a Dad and allow Ella back in the house or she needs to leave and allow Ella to be part of the family. My Dad said no, firmly said no. Told his Mom, that Ella would never be welcome back in their house or around the kids honestly he got really upset and told his Mom he is so tired of her trying to ruin his marriage and if she wants Ella so bad then she can take her to live at her house. Leah got mad and started telling my Mom this is all your fault, you need to make this right. Your head is fine now, Zane is healing, Vince just needs to get over it and Rowan deserves to no her sister. My Mom got up and opened the door and told Lead "this is my house and I have more important things to do than hear this, you need to leave "
Leah then starts yelling at my Mom about how she ruined everything and my mom should have just left when Ella touched Zane and me, and Ella needs her Dad more than we need him, just on and on. My Dad got up and left the room, took Zane and Rowan on a walk and asked my Mom to just text him when Leah left as he doesn't want us to hear. My Dad asked me to come, and I guess Leah then realized I was there and tells me "you clearly wanted Ella to touch you back then, your twice her size if you could not fight off a little girl it's because you wanted it. You need to forgive Ella and tell Erin to the same and allow her to come back home "
I told Leah she can promptly F* off and to accept Ella will never be allowed back in this house or any house I have family at again.
Leah was talking how Ella has changed, she has gotten care, she is better, she is on medication now, etc. But Ella has never apologized for anything, never owned it, never explained why beyond she wanted my Mom to feel pain and even Zane's therapist said it would not be good for Zane to ever see Ella again, as he might not remember what happened subconsciously he does and her being around could trigger him.
My cousins out in Colorado called us tonight when Leah posted some messages on FB about how family abandoned Ella, and Ella needs her family now more than ever. When my Mom and I explained what happened, my cousins told me I was wrong to say that to Leah, and I should be more open to forgiving Ella and letting her back in. They told me I am speaking from a place of hatred and at 18 I need to move on
I really don't think I will ever forget/forgive what Ella did, and I can't change what happened but as the big brother I vowed to never let her around my siblings or Mom again to hurt any of them
So Reddit - am I the asshole here?