I always feel like I’m wrong or in trouble. I hate it but I can’t help it. My therapist says I have major anxiety and should think about meds but I have to see a psychiatrist or go to my GP and tell them what’s going on and I don’t want to do either. But I can see my anxiety getting worse, I mean it’s definitely not getting better. I have a lot of autoimmune issues that I’m on a lot of meds for and I just don’t want any more medication. I just want to stop feeling like I’m always in trouble or someone is always upset with me or I’ve offended someone without knowing or anything. And I’m so tired of fawning over people and burning myself out and letting myself get taken advantage of because I don’t want to be wrong and I don’t want anyone to be mad at me.
I unpaused my hinge account today because I feel like everyone hates me and I’m embarrassed of myself that I fawn over everyone to make them feel better but they all secretly hate me. Or I annoy them or I don’t know. I feel like I’m not wanted and I’m barely tolerated. I feel like a really stinky old crusty dog. So I’m looking for new ways to make myself feel better but I don’t think unpausing my dating apps is necessarily the right thing but I feel desperate for positive attention. I just want to be wanted. And I want to be thought about and I want people to take the initiative to love me and reach out to me. I hate feeling like a burden. I’m only useful when people need something and I’m so tired of feeling like this. And then I go home alone and I have to sit with myself and I don’t even like myself. That’s why I can’t even justify trying to tell myself I’m not wrong or in trouble. I can’t stand myself so why would anyone else. I just want a hug from someone who means it, I don’t want a hug because someone thinks I need one. I just want a hug because someone wanted to touch me.