perpetually hopeless
hi.
hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ko magrrant. i've never felt so hopeless in my entire life. as im writing this i'm shedding a bunch of tears kasi di ko na talaga alam kung ano gagawin ko.
i am a 1st year state university student in laguna with a widowed dad, nakikitira lang kami sa bahay ng jowa niya. i am being threatened to get kicked out.
for context kung ano nangyari ngayon, siguro kasalanan ko rin ito. and i am humbly admitting what i did was really wrong. ano ba talaga ginawa ko though? kanina, umalis stepmother at dad ko for a check-up i believe sa hospital. shortly after nung dumating mga anak niya dala yung mother's day gift nila, umalis ako saglit. nagpaalam ako sa youngest nila na sasaglit lang ako sa labas. bibili ako ng sabon. yung binibilhan ko ng specific soap na to sarado so napaikot ako for a while. nung nabili ko na at umuwi na ko, nandun na pala si tita. magkasabay pa kami kumain nun, medjo okay naman kami. then dun na nagsimula yung gulo.
main point niya is bakit hindi daw ako nagpaalam sa kanya. totoo naman dapat talaga nagpaalam ako sa kaniya bago siya umalis since balak ko talaga bumili ng sabon kanina pa. sana sinabay ko na lang. main reason is may pagkahigpit sila sakin. kailangan updated locations ko lagi even with pics. minsan gusto ko rin huminga at makaluwag lang, konting privacy man lang kumbaga.
kaso yun na tuloy-tuloy na sya. lahat ng masasakit na salita sinabi nya na. i'm a pretty stoic person pero even her words cut through me this time. buong pagkatao ko parang sinaksak niya. everything including my dead mother she mocks, me being adopted, and more. lahat na sinumbat niya. iniintindi ko sya lagi dahil iba na pag-iisip nya because of her stroke and meds. i appreciate her more than she knows, kaso kahit anong effort gawin ko walang effect sa kanya. maliit na pagkakamali malaking bagay pa rin. ayoko siya masamain sa mga tao dito. kung may relative/kakilala kang maiinitin ulo dahil may iniinda maiintindihan mo nman kung bakit nya ginawa yun. pero prior to this, sobrang lupit nya sa akin.
maybe i had it coming, di ba? i was being a secretive asshat. maybe i really deserved this. my friends are far away from me and i cannot get help. pensioner dad ko at 2k lng nakukuha nya so he cant afford to rent me some bedspacer room. i cant get a part time right now dahil medjo komplikado sched ko at patapos na rin semester namin so parami ng parami yung ginagawa namin which occupies yung free days ko.
i feel like a horrible person, and my mental state is all over the place. i have no support system, i have no other families to help me. i'm all alone and perpetually hopeless. i feel like god has forsaken me.