Made ramen pizza for my sister, realized I’m not sure I want/can’t have marriage or kids
As I hit 40 I realized my dating pool’s age bracket is shifting upward where it will be harder to date. I will have to likely navigate women who have way more life experience and maturity as well as women who had children and/or a divorce, and it makes me wonder what led to said divorce and if I’d just complicate things or what “baggage” they might bring with them. So I realized I can’t picture marriage in my lifetime when I haven’t even been on a proper date in 3 years and part of is simply being worn down by the crushing state of the world, my soul-sucking job, a recent “intimate” medical diagnosis that has obliterated me, and my lack of strong, close friendships. It’s hard to imagine I could go on a date right now and be socially charming and “on” when part of me almost desires the fear and comfort of staying in, minding my business, not putting my vulnerable feelings out there which could get crushed or taken advantage of, and I know it doesn’t do great things for my mental state. So instead, maybe ironically, I spend most weekends at my (older) sister’s (divorced, no kids) house playing and recording music, drinking, playing Rock Band, and making dinner like last night’s ramen pizza.
I bring most of this shit to my therapy sessions so it’s all a work in progress.