So hi. I don't think my situation isn't as comperable as the rest. Many people here might've went through worse stuff than me. I just really want this to come out because I just need to for a while. So when I was a kid, I was mostly the top of the class kind. Yk, high grades and stuff. I felt fine. Felt good. Then the things happened. It was around Covid. I felt isolated and alone and I couldn't go outside or see people and it felt very boring and lonely. Even picked up to play violin, which is now what I want to do as my profession. After Covid, I felt very distant to my classmates during Grade 7, I even got bullied because I was "a nerd" Or weird. Moved out from our home to a different place and went to school. Now the real kicker. Grade 9 hit. And it was hell. Strict deadlines, changing of curriculum, grading system changed, everything. I was stressed, burnt out, grades were going down from 95 before to 89, and it wasn't great. Had issues with classmates, problems, etc, it was so much, after Grade 9, I took a break for a week because I was too stressed. Grade 10 hit and I just never recovered from that. Grades aren't high like before, less effort, lost motivation for violin playing, mental blocks when making music (yeah I compose, forgot to mention), and just overall feeling bad. Very. And now...i think it's affecting me. A lot. I get agitated at small things when I don't understand them or when I try to understand something I should understand or I get irritated at small annoying stuff and I keep telling myself I'm stupid, dumb, can't do stuff, I'm not capable of stuff, and it's like a very harsh voice that's very strong. I tried doing those advices like labeling and stuff but it made the self-hate stronger. And at this point, Its affecting my body. And my mind.
The other thing too is, there's one thing that I haven't mentioned that has been very heavy on me: Since after Covid, I noticed I liked guys more than girls. At first I thought it was just friendly like or just a phase but...the more time passed, the more I couldn't deny. I started to feel more attracted to tall, masculine or hot guys than girls, and I had to search about it and found out...i might be gay. And until now I think that's true. I don't even get turned on at women, or feel anything around them. I just think they're friends. With a hot guy? It felt like I wanted to be with him for life.
Now, that's all fun but...my parents don't like gay people. Or me being gay at all. And I've never told them. I just wore a mask at home and removed it at school. And over time...it made me lose myself. I don't know now who I was before this...and the more these issues and problems and emotional turmoil grew and got bottled up, the more I noticed my family...when I broke down, my mom got mad at me. Thought I was over reacting. My sister asks harshly why I'm crying aftrer an issue like it's weird. My brother is insensitive and doesn't care. My dad doesn't help. No one is safe for me to express my emotions. Friends? None of them either. I don't feel safe to them cause they either give bad advice, act funny or already have huge burdens and I don't want to add to that. Boyfriend? I wish. But Im unlucky as hell to have one that I want: Matured, kind, and sweet, and everything.
rn...i really want help. I don't think I'm ok. I've bottled my emotions up so much that it's coming back to strike at me. And I feel trapped. Stuck. Like I'm in a room and all the doors are locked with ten patches with individual padlocks. I'm in a loop of self-hate and loathing and...i want it to end. But idk how. I want to try therapy but if I did, my parents will ask why? They'll say in over reacting or I'll get over it or etc. If secretly? It's worse. They'll think im crazy. I cry most nights and stress out most mornings. I just...im tired. And trapped.
...i guess that's it...i just wanted to let this out bcs idk who I can tell this to...honestlt, i don't even know what tag do I put this but I'll put it as advice...i do what advice...if this helps someone going through the same thing, thanks and your welcome...i just really want to let this out. It might be messy and long and I might've cried while writing this but...its ok. I know many people here might've gone through worse things than mine but...atleast I shared my stuff...thanks.