u/0l0l0l0l0l0l0l0

everyday. So many reminders. Mother’s Day was yet another reminder of where I was last year, stuck in my prostitute addiction in love with the same one for a year straight.

I remember it vividly. I wasn’t home at all last Mother’s Day. I had no morals whatsoever. I put this prostitute above everything. I wasn’t even gonna get anything for my mom, the prostitute had to convince me to get flowers for her. I had just opened a credit card that day because I was low on funds. Maxxed out the card at a nice restaurant with her. Then Spent the last bit of cash getting drunk with her all day.

I had a closer connection to her than what most John’s and sex workers would normally have. I considered her a friend although the basis of our relationship is a transaction at the end of the day.

I look back at all the memorable times we’ve had way too often. It goes beyond sex.

I know I know I know. I was looking at everything in a way she just couldn’t. This is her a job. I get it.

It’s been 5 months since I ran her out my life by being way too possessive. I don’t have the same excitement in spending money on prostitutes anymore although I’ve spent at least 3k this year paying for sex. Every single time I’m just met with the same shitty feeling. At least with the prostitute I loved she would still hangout with me after the deed was done. I miss the feeling she gave me. I try to replicate it with these other women and just feel stupid trying to convince them to make me their priority. I don’t have the time or money to do that anymore like I did last year.

I’m in a weird part in my recovery. I’m having a hard time accepting it was never about sex. I was trying to get love with money. And that’s just not possible I guess. I reread all my old posts. All the replies I’ve been given by members of this sub. You all tried to steer me away from her. I thank you for telling me what didn’t want to hear. I gave every excuse as to why I couldn’t let go of her. I mentally couldn’t handle letting go of someone I sacrificed so much for. Imagine you gave your life savings to someone and now you’re being told to remove her out of your life. I did not want to hear what needed to be told to me early on. It took me losing everything including her to listen to the advice I’ve been given.

I’m stuck in my head of what’s next. Idk if I’ll ever let go of yearning for her. It’s all said and done. It’s over with. But she’s still in my damn mind. And usually it results negatively. I’m sad with my life circumstances so it’s easy for me to just think about when it felt like life was going good.

I just hope to be happy again. I’ve been nothing but stressed and depressed watching my money go bye bye thanks to the debt I’ve put myself in. I really hope things change.