I'm 40F, Germany. I grew up with unstable parents, who especially treated me badly, when I was a vulnerable child. As I got older and took more and more of chores, documentation, responibilities etc. for them, the relationship became more peaceful, they didn't hit me, although my mother still threatens that she'd hit me once in a while, but it never was normal.
My mother is a very big alcoholic. Wine is like water to her, the stronger liquor is "the real liquor" for her. drinks much less than her. He is a diagnosed alcoholic. She should be, but she isn't. She refuses to go to any doctor at all. She thinks she is perfect. No one beside me has ever suggested she goes to therapy.
I have been abused all my life, yelled at forever about anything. I was living abroad, but am back. My mother is the bigger aggressor, maybe 10 times worse than my father. Unhinged, disortiented, malicious, everything she wants is revenge, everyone is evil, she loses her shit anywhere, with anyone, even when it's inappropriate. She has no more friends, our extended family is no-contact. When I had a big award ceremony a decade ago, I didn't let my parents attend. This is just an example, I didn't want her to embarrass me. My mother is extremely aggressive towards my father, she mostly tells him to shut up, calls him stupid and other derivatives of the word. She loves telling the world he is very stupid.
She is obsessed with me. I am what might be called Favourite Person, but I am also the scapegoat, and she also identifies with me, she uses "we" in everything, not "I".
Since I came back, about 8 months ago, she has become extreme. Wait, did I mention extreme? Yes, he was always extreme, but now it has crossed the line. She isn't allowing me to leave home, except if I am supposed to drive her somewhere. She yells at me, follows me around, goes through my stuff, wants to know everything I do, like who I am talking to, if my phone rings. I have NO private life. She only gives me commands, comes over here, tells me to simply get up and do whatever she wants me to do in a given moment, doesn't knock on the door... If I want to have a shower, I might get a yelling, because she would feel that I shouldn't shower right now.
She changes her mind extremely often, and always forgets her initial opinions.
I am obviously not married. I have always been treated like a maid and a bank. I paid the bills, I bought this house, I am the sole owner.
I went to a few organizations. One for finding care for sick or disabled family members told me to call a domestic violence hotline. The hotline confirmed that that was an extreme case of dom. violence, and that I should call Police, and Police can make her leave my house immediately. I called an organization for co-dependents, and they also told me to just go to the Police, not to bother about her getting diagnosed or not. They told me, all I should care about is my own safety, my own life + property, and it isn't my fault she is refusing any kind of diagnosing or therapy. I had suggested the therapy over a decade ago, but I suggested family therapy then. I didn't think she had a disorder, except something neurotic or histrionic.
Recently, I read about BPD, also watched videos about malignant BPD -That's exactly her. Idealizing or devaluating people, often strangers...no real understanding of people and their behaviour.
My question to you here is, what do you think about my next step getting the Police involved, have you done this, too? Has anyone lived for decades with undiagnosed, untreated alcoholics with BPD? She was never warm towards me, there never were cuddles or any remorse for the way she treated me. In recent months, I totally feel like I have no life. I decided to check how she'd react (if it would be any better), if I listen to her and do everything she wants me to, but instead of her recognizing anything, she is more aggressive and more intrusive than ever. To her, I have no value anyway, so I can be her sidekick and nothing else. What I want to do is, not to have her as a burden anymore, and possibly go abroad again. My father will not support me, I am not going to ask for his help. They are still together.
I am feeling a strong sense of satisfaction that I now know she has this disorder, and all the things that were "my fault" weren't really my fault, and that even if I have made mistakes in my life, they don't make me unworthy, as she made me believe I was. When I am away from her, I also have normal relationships with men. I have no BPD or other issues, I have a low neuroticism.
Open for clarifying questions or opinions.