I’m 35 and been smoking since I was 16. It’s always caused me anxiety if I had too much but it never stopped me from coming back over and over. I had a few times when I’d quit for 3-6 months and from what I remember I felt pretty good and was handling work life much better. I remember quitting one time and saying “everytime I get back to smoking I start hating my life.”
Still came back. I get this ridiculous feeling of like being a square or I’ll be sober from it and be like “this time only on weekends. I can handle it”. Well I couldn’t.
Also noteworthy I drank heavily through my 20’s and hung around people that loved to drink, do drugs and blast music. I rode that wave like a champion, I feared nothing and I could be friends with anyone. Best drink ever. Until I wasn’t. Started reaching true blackout phases and I didn’t do anything directly harmful but eventually the party faded away and I was just drinking alone and I would sit and sob every night, drinking till 5am. This was around Covid time and also shortly after panic disorder came into my life.
At 27 I had my first panic attack randomly and long story short I have generalized anxiety disorder and it got worse and worse until I literally lost everything. I couldn’t sustain work or my passions. I had 24/7 chronic symptoms that were debilitating. I got checked over and over and everyone tells me it’s my anxiety. So I quit drinking in hopes to put a dent in my symptoms. It took about a year and finally I felt a little relief but the damage was done and to this day I’m not healed.
I still get random panic attacks and I’m on disability because of my anxiety. I can’t walk into a store alone, barely drive, barely live. I’m just here. I smoke weed in the evenings and hang out with my wife. That’s the highlight. She doesn’t smoke but I have this thought that it helps me loosen up and enjoy whatever we’re watching or playing more.
I’ve not been on disability for an even a year yet and I just feel like the lowest low. I help with things around the house and that’s about all the gratification I can get. I’ve tried YouTube and I can’t stay motivated. I can’t even play guitar like I used to.
My wife has seen me at the absolute edge of sanity and back. She’s always been supportive and I can feel her desperation of wanting me to just feel fulfilled and happy. I just can’t. I guess weed is a small topic here in retrospect but it is a problem and at this point I don’t have room for anymore shit. What am I doing rewarding myself nightly for being miserable and ashamed? Ashamed of the very genetics I’ve been dealt. Severe anxiety runs in my family and I didn’t get away. I guess this is more about that.
But maybe just maybe if I actually quit the weed, I’ll at least find some sort of motivation again. Something to make me feel like I’m living an actual life and not just a slave to my symptoms. On rare occasions I’ve been able to dive into something like busy work and for a moment I don’t have anxiety. I’m just not satisfied doing house chores and calling it a day, I can’t stand it. I was at one point playing guitar for and running a band and at the same time working as a full time electrician. I felt like thee guy. Now I don’t even feel like a person at all. So here’s one step towards finding that guy again if he’s in here somewhere. No more weed.