u/0C_B_C

Its been five months into the year and im stuck t a stalemate with life. Time’s lowkey running out for second chances at things…i feel like i havent done living right.

I never had the desire to live this long from as young as i could remember my life, so i guess when i was 12? Almost ten years since i first felt that i didnt have a future.

I never had an answer for what i wanted to be when i grow up, because i didnt really think i would get to that point in life. Well, as old as i am now. Call it outgrown coffins if you will haha.

I still find it difficult to see myself existing in the future. And i feel like mentally im stuck at 16, a scared tall child. Does disassociation do that? stunt yoyr development forever? It feels like everyone my own age is older and much wiser than i am. I feel ashamed to be around peers my age..

Thank you everyone SO MUCH for your advice and encouraging words. They gave me a much needed push!

Ok so im gonna write down my first week experience with Sertralin and how it went

Note that this is NOT MEDICAL ADVICE!! THIS IS JUST MY EXPERIENCE!! And everyone’s experience with antidepressants can be different

Day 1:

took 50mg and oh my god. Oooh my god no way neurotypicals experience this for free. its like discovering a brand new world. I felt LIGHT!! AND NOT FATIGUED???

But i couldn’t stop smiling, so the happy high did hit me. And i was thinking too fast(?) not sure if this is common or not. I also mildly (and i press on MILDLY) hallucinated the sound of screams of the damned but it didnt bother me much.

DAY 2: i didnt take my dose, (baaad idea) but i didnt suffer any severe side effects thankfully. Just some tremors and dry mouth. No headache thank god. I already have chronic migrains i dont need a new toll added

DAY 3: I decided to take half. So 25mg. We dont have that dosage so i cut the tablet in half. I dont feel as intense as day 1, but i can tell its working. I just feel normal. Normally id cry on the daily at the slightest inconveniencing thought. I really needed this break, for once i feel stable enough. I even saw cleaning the kitchen through, i dont do that. Theres always something left behind.

Also i noticed im more chatty? Conversing with me ends in a yappathon of words. I also feel this sudden urge to live(crazy i know) what do you mean this is what normal people feel on the daily 👹

Also when i cried, it didn’t feel like im having a heart attack. I just cried, and felt sad for a little. No ringing in my ears or my ribcage caving in. I just cried, and admitted im scared. That feels weird.

DAY 4: Can sertraline cause heat? I have felt really warm ever since i started taking it.

DAY 5:

I just woke up. My hands keep shaking and my palms are almost always hot. Is this normal? Id consider stopping but i genuinely just started being able to function.. i even took a shower. Small price to pay i guess. Im so thirsty.

Its like “would you rather tremble all the time or explode?” LIKE COME ON thats such an unfair trade offer.

DAY 6:

Im still constantly dehydrated but at least im much more stable. Im a bit used to the tremor now.

Yk normally i wouldve crashed out about five times today, but lowkey im so chill. For example my brother was asking me what im doing with my life right now, i literally said nothing LMAO. Normally id get uncomfy but i just?didnt care anymore? Is this what people can do at will?

Also im still very smiley all the time. Even at moments i really shouldnt be smiling.

DAY 7:

obligatory 67 joke. Sorry. Anyway, the sweating and treamors have vastly subsided compared to the beginning. Im still on 25mg, im gonna oficcialy start back on 50mg now that ive spent a week on a loading dose. I feel much more chill, albiet sometimes sad but nothing extreme.

So yeah uh i didnt explode after all HAHA.