TW: tackles topics of suicide and self-harm
so this has bothered me for a really long time but i am more irritable with my family, especially with my parents recently. i’m not like this with my friends because they even call me nonchalant and calm because i’ve never gotten angry at them or in front of them that much. hut for some reason, i get so angry at normal things if it’s done by my family like earlier, i was getting asked to help with something and my mom was using the most kindest tone with me but then my dad joked around and i just snapped. idefk why i snapped but i did. if they’re sick, i also feel this uncontrollable rage inside me but of course i don’t show it cause they’re sick. so basically, i do that a lot with my family and in times that i actually have enough control to hold myself back, i just get thoughts of hurting myself and i’ve done that too in the past but i recently just stopped doing it. tbh, i’ve been probably emotionally abused and slightly physically abused when i was younger but my parents have put in so much fucking effort to change and now they don’t do that anymore like they’re the kindest and most amazing people to everyone, especially to us. so i hate that i’m like this because clearly the environment is much more healthier and i love my parents and ik that they do their best to give me and my sister everything so idfk why i’m like this. i’ve been having suicidal thoughts for a really long time and i think i suppress my emotions too much because i’m a people pleaser to everyone else. so i wonder if these suppressed emotions overflow when i’m at home because i already feel safe. i mean i’ve considered going to the psychiatrist for a long time but i just don’t want to like ruin the happy dynamic of our family rn