Me vs. Gender
Hello everyone! Well, grab a drink or something because this is going to be pretty long.
I started questioning my gender when I was 17 (I'm AMAB). I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I often referred to that moment with my therapist as a “revelation.” Suddenly, a lot of things about my childhood and the way I felt started making sense. At first I felt euphoric, but soon after I became overwhelmed with doubt and fear.
A few months after turning 18, I told my parents I liked men and that I was struggling with gender issues. I started therapy. The first therapist was honestly confusing and contradictory (she basically believed I was dealing with internalised homophobia and that becoming a woman was some kind of escape), so I eventually changed therapist, and in 2017 I also started going to a gender clinic in my home country. After around a year and a half of assessments, group sessions, tests, etc., I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria in 2019.
In the following years, I did try taking some steps. I started laser hair removal on my face, but after two sessions I stopped because it was causing me intense anxiety beforehand. I also spoke to an endocrinologist about hormones. But then, nothing really came out of it.
COVID happened, I was also dealing with other health problems (I was diagnosed with a chronic illness in 2017), and honestly the constant questioning and fear of making the wrong decision completely drained me. So I decided to “take a break” from thinking about transition because I was mentally exhausted.
Over the last few years, I tried to just live my life more. I opened myself up to dating, moved to another country, started a PhD, made friends, and started living a queerer life (despite the fact that my presentation is still masculine apart from my long hair - my gender clinic therapist often challenged me on the fact that I wasn’t really “showing my transness”).
But I’ve never fully lost this underlying sense of disconnection - from myself, from other people, especially in romantic and sexual contexts.
Now it’s 2026 and these thoughts are coming back again.
The strange thing is that I don’t necessarily feel acute dysphoria right now. It’s more like a persistent unfinished question that never fully goes away. Part of me wonders whether the fact that it keeps returning means something. Another part of me is terrified of going back to that dark mental space.
At the same time, part of me also feels a strange sense of relief now that these thoughts are coming back again, almost like there’s a part of me that knows it may be time to finally do something instead of endlessly thinking about it. But the doubt is always there, lingering in the background.
I’m scared of hormones and how I would emotionally react to the changes, especially the more irreversible ones. I’m scared of regret, of consequences, of making the wrong decision, and honestly of not being strong enough to cope with everything that transition could bring into my life.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I guess I want to know whether anyone else has experienced something similar - intense long-term questioning, fear/exhaustion, wanting clarity but never reaching complete certainty. I’m obviously aware that no one can tell me whether I’m trans or not.
Sorry for the length. I tried to summarise the last 12 years of my life as best I could. Oh, by the way, I’m 29 now.
Thanks.