For context, I moved to a new city at 18 to pursue my undergraduate program, hopeful that I would emerge successful, similar to how I was my batch’s valedictorian in high school. I was also ecstatic, knowing that I’d be leaving home, which felt too suffocating for me, along with my childhood traumas, and that at last, I’d have more freedom to live life the way I wanted.
However, life had other surprises. I got depressed. My procrastination habits, which extreme guilt only made worse, hindered my performance. I was arrogant too, and my pride wouldn’t accept that some people had better study habits and scored higher on quizzes and exams. It didn't help that my department's style of teaching was passive and incompetent. I didn't like it. I didn't like that many of my classmates didn't care. Ironically, I always spent last minute efforts studying to save my grades, even though I hated the passive assessments. With all these issues, I only grew increasingly frustrated with myself and with everyone, which always showed in my foul mood, intimidating my friends and even some of my instructors. I felt alienated from everyone, as if I didn’t belong in that world. At times, I thought maybe I should have enrolled in a better university instead of letting my fears get the better of me. In private, I indulged in senseless distractions that filled my brain with dopamine instead of doing my tasks. Then I would go to sleep hating myself—hungry and rotten. My boarding house was a total mess; it looked like a dumpster. Externally, I presented myself just fine. I treated university as something I desperately needed to survive.
Sometime in my last year, I was able to improve due to a lot of rumination and support from my friends, the same people who patiently stayed even when I felt like giving up (although I also felt that it was due to how busy I was with my undergraduate research that I didn't have any time to think). I won some awards in competitions and was able to graduate with honors.
Now, realizing that I was not ready to settle down, I decided to enroll in graduate school at a more competitive university in another city. I thought I would find my people. I thought I would be happier. But I was disappointed-it fell short of my expectations. It was the same. My feelings were the same.
I still constantly distract myself. I am isolated. I don’t even know how to live my life, because sometimes the guilt feels overwhelming. I overthink in the silence of room, even when it leads nowhere. I find it painfully torturous, yet it brings me pleasure too. How do you get out of this?