unlocked a memory from when I was 14
just remembered back, sometime in 2019, when I was sitting on my bathroom floor heartbroken over the fact I wasn't >!40kg!<. I was probably about >!48kg!< at the time.
I occasionally see pictures of myself at that time and they genuinely fascinate me. I'm astonished at what I looked like back then. at the time, I genuinely thought I was overweight and that all the BMI calculators were wrong and they couldn't possibly be right. because there's no way I wasn't in the overweight category. like looking at photos from back then, my face looks hollow. and I've always had a chubby face, it takes a lot for me to look like that.
I still have no perception of my body. during 2023/2024, I was depressed and got up to at least >!76kg!<. I didn't even realise how much weight I'd gained. now I'm >!65kg!< and I still don't really know what I am. I know I'm bigger than some people and smaller than others but I have no perception of where I lie on that line. I grew up being the chubby girl in the class and just never lost that identity. sometimes I feel like I've gaslighted myself into thinking I had some form of ED because there's no way I would've been able to do that but then I see the photos and it's like damn. I don't mention it to people because I always feel like they'd think I was lying.
sometimes 2019 me whispers to me but I was so, so miserable during that time I don't even have it in me to go through that again. 7 years on and I still feel lost.