Mentally in decline in general
Over the past few months my mental state has been deteriorating. A few months ago I took shrooms which probably began this. I have a twin brother who has no idea about this either. I'm a college freshman who has been having too much idle time as of recently but feel no drive to change it. In some ways I feel comfortable feeling like this because I fear losing myself. I can't bother making an essay so I'll just type as the feelings come
OCD like symptoms: I have been having various sexual obsessions. This particularly sucks because I have been questioning my sexuality as of late, I might be bisexual. But I have been desensitized, If a sexual thought comes, I don't know if I'm testing myself or if it's genuine. If there was one thing I could resolve, it would be my sexuality stuff because this is actual hell. I had internet access at a very young age and pornography definitely dented me in the head. It wasn't even vanilla, but bizarre fetish stuff.
This predicament is some sort of cruel 21st-century joke. I know for sure my parents and even my sister didn't see the shit I saw on the internet and have been thinking about how that fucks up a mind and its methods of thinking. An internet detox might be necessary for me, easier said than done.
Sometimes I look at and think of people like they're caricatures. My head likes to categorize people. This is usually when I'm on social media which is reasonable.
My sense of self has been uprooted, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I feel different, not as much quirky but like actually unsettling. When I'm not in my head this goes away somewhat but I often feel a sense of something not being right within me when I'm actually interacting with other people.
Usually a loop of one song or another is in my head almost 24/7. This is something I'm used to, it's annoying but it fills the empty space in my mind and don't know anything else. I used to do mindfulness somewhat consistently, I don't remember if it helped or not. When that's not happening I'm usually just talking to myself. It's rarely organized.
I had went to a psychiatrist a few weeks ago and it went badly. She didn't speak English natively and was significantly older than me so we didn't connect. I should have went to a psychologist instead because I am very hesitant on any sort of SSRI (was prescribed prozac, didn't take it) or other medication. I do have ADHD and was trying to switch my prescription for that as well during the visit, however.
Often times I imagine my future. I don't know if my thoughts are genuine or not. A few weeks ago I assumed I would be rotting in jail for whatever reason. Now I think that somehow I am going to die an early death and worrying about this is pointless. I'm not suicidal.
Have never been in a relationship because I'm scared of commitment. Combine this with the sexual OCD symptoms and I feel like a genuine pervert in public despite no actual evidence to support this.
I feel like my twin brother goes through the same struggles that I do, but in different ways or times. we weave around each other. I like being around him. We have an implicit, unspoken understanding of each other, like he's an extension of myself. Maybe I should get to know him as a friend rather than a brother.
I'm just writing as I feel. Sometimes I dissociate from my own feelings and sort of cringe at what I write. In two days I leave to work at a summer camp for three months and I'm nervous. Everything I do and everything I think is a vote on who I am becoming. I need to be careful so I am who I want to be, but who is that?
Just needed to vent.