u/-dogtopus-

I may have to leave my partner who I care deeply about, please help with any advice.

He loves me more than anything and does so much for me, but I feel like I have been hurt too many times and that the day to day relationship now feels exhausting and a lot of the time I just simply do not care very much and think a lot about what it would be like to be single for the first time since I was 16 (I am turning 30 this year).

I am currently unemployed, it's not feasible in this moment for me to just up and leave. I do not feel as though we can discuss any real problems without him becoming defensive or getting all sad and woe is me. We have been able to overcome a lot of issues in the past, but it was always a struggle. Im just tired. We have been together 6 years.

The most recent problem is that he had flirted with another girl late last year, and I found the messaged about a month ago. It never got past text, but almost all of the messages were deleted so I am forced to take his word on it. Thankfully she lives in another state, I guess. Apparently, he felt so bad about it that he blocked her even though she had been a friend for a long time before me and him even met. Apparently after he blocked her he did introspection for momths to decide if he was happy with me (we were going through a rough time at this point because of him, but i had no idea about this until i snooped and discovered it.) And he decided that he wanted to be with me and chose us, he "discovered" within himself that he did it due to insecurity.

In that introspection period, it seems he didnt think to bring it to me, and instead chose to delete and hide. What followed the next couple months was us having a big talk that fixed a ton of issues in our relationship, and I was so so sooo happy, we were so happy. Literally the happiest point in our relationship was within the month before I found out. We were planning marriage, i felt like we finally "got there" together and all this struggle was worth it in the end because I love(d?) him.

I was happy, but I did have this odd gut feeling that, after awhile, made me snoop. And thats when i found the messages. It completely destroyed how I view him, respect is gone, trust is most likely damaged forever, our relationship is not the same and i now view it in stages as before and after him doing this to me. I feel like these few texts truly shattered everything we had worked up to, and while I know he feels extreme guilt, I just dont know if I have it in me to repair this.

I keep fantasizing about how nice it would be to be single, to not have to deal with someone around me all the time, to not be reminded of expectations and communication and problems and love and cheating. I just feel so disgusted by all of it. My partner knows that this is a huge issue that may lead to a break up if reconciliation doesnt work. But he does not know that at some point, a switch flipped, and I just no longer feel like I used to for him. It feels like we are on a very slow payh to break up. The other day he said he felt so connected to me, and I was speechless thinking about how ive never felt so disconnected and lonely in years.

I dont feel like it is worth it to fix it anymore, and I thought that would change but a month down the line I just dont feel that it will. When I found this out, I was going through so much stress at work that my only sanctuary at the time was him, and so seemingly losing my only sanctuary destroyed me. I couldnt function, all I did was worry that he would leave me, that he was still hiding something. Id wake up daily for work, crying my eyes out, and then call out. The combined stress became too much at one point and I just walked out of my job. I know it was stupid, but I feel like I am in a haze. I feel like the last 6 years have been for nothing and a lie. 6 years ago I decided to not work things out with my ex, who in retrospect i was much happier with, in order to be with my current partner. I gave a up a stable job to live with him. I just wanted to be loved and thought love would make everything work out. I was going to marry this guy, i couldnt imagine life without him. Now its all I can do to stand hanging out on the same room with him sometimes. He told me it is the biggest regret of his life and that I am irreplaceable to him. I want to forgive him so badly, but the feelings for me are just not there anymore, and I'm not sure anything he does will bring them back at this point. I have a ton of resentment about this, he knows this.

My current "plan" is to work on myself within the relationship until I build enough finances to get out. I am not opposed to the fact that my feelings may come back for whatever reason, but at this moment I doubt they will. My partner knows that reconciliation does not mean we wont end up breaking up anyways. Despite all of this, I cannot forget the actual good times, and how happy he has made me at times, how reliable he really can be when you need him. I mean, i lost both parents while I've been with him, he was there and helped me through all of it. He even drove me across the state with one of my crazy relatives and helped me gather their things. He's been there for me through a lot, and I still care deeply for him, but I'm not sure I can flourish in this relationship anymore. I go back and forth a lot. Please help with any advice, I truly feel so stuck and need an objective pov.