u/-autisticSunflower

I’ve been struggling a lot. Everything in my life has been an uphill battle. People treat me like I’m a disease. I am 31 with no partner, no close friends, only my mum who cares about me.

I have been successful in becoming a mental health nurse in nhs but the prejudice against staff with mental health issues is rife. So is bullying.

I am struggling with severe anhedonia at the moment and have a private psychologist and nhs psychiatrist who has successfully treated my generalised anxiety with medication. Unfortunately this doesn’t take away the fact that I have no prospects. I’m very skilled but people can’t see beyond my autism.

I almost ended it all last night. There is no help for me because I’m too tired to even go through the motions. I feel like I’m living a hell on earth and sleep is my only option but the dread I feel when I wake up is horrendous.

I’m also severely understimulated at the moment which I think is contributing to my depression. I don’t have any goals and I need reasons to do things because I struggle severely with intrinsic motivation.

I just need some kind words and if anyone can relate to feeling like their talent and skill has no where to go. I’m also thinking a lot about my future and I don’t want to live beyond my mum. I honestly wish I had never been born.

I have now had quite a few people pointing out how they notice my weight loss, saying I look great etc. I was going hard at the gym for a while and calorie deficit to get back to my weight last year (had a severe depressive episode and put 3/4 of it back on). I currently weigh 5lbs more than I did at my lowest last year so it’s slow but steady. I’m quite relaxed about it this time, enjoying life and that’s been a total of 10lbs lost since February. Yes it’s slower than I like but I have actually developed a lot better habits than last time and am doing better with delayed gratification. The weird thing is I don’t see much weight loss in myself. I noticed it to begin with but it’s like I’m not noticing changes anymore. I’m short so it’s quite obvious when I put on weight. Anybody else experience similar? As in they are struggling to notice a difference. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m just not as focused on it anymore because it’s more about enjoying healthier foods now.