u/-_Heart

Have you ever just stood somewhere and thought, Eh, I can figure it out?

Then suddenly you’re fighting with a tree for balance and third-eye manifestations.

Well, I’m glad I didn’t have to go full superstar and flirt with my tree..........

You know nothing!

This time, it was my stubbornness trying to keep my exercises consistent. I won’t be attending PT until Friday, so I had to do something to make sure I somewhat had a Three Stooges plan ready for my lightbulb moments.

I try to convince myself I’m a genius, but let’s be real.

I could have just gone to a gym.

So, with my corrupt confidence, I grabbed my stretchy flexible belt and a pool noodle, laid my baby blanket on the coffee table, grabbed the closest thing I had to a propping pillow, and started doing the workouts I’m usually assigned at PT.

I fought logic and laughter as the belt hit the ground and dragged across the floor.

Clink. Clink. Clink.

I could hear someone in my head say, “You dropped the soap.”

I could only imagine how confused my neighbor must have been, staring at me dragging my feet across the kitchen six times.

“Honey! I think she finally snapped. Grab the emergency popcorn.”

At some point, I had to step outside, mostly because my sweet doggy was keeping his distance from my insanity.

You know things Dean.... Things you shouldn't.

I grabbed my belt and used it as a multipurpose tool, slinking it around a wooden pillar to do some "Wood Chopping" exercises.

And for one brilliant moment, I had the idea to attach the belt to a nail instead.

…

Let’s just say the metal part of the belt and I met with great velocity, only for it to bounce off my face and hit my knuckle and finger.

I was so caught off guard that I burst out in pain and laughter.

Then came the pool noodle.

I was successfully creating fluster in my environment, as it was not quite wide enough to hide my cookies, and the coffee table shifting around was not helping the visuals.

I yelled, none the wiser:

“What?!”

…

I have officially claimed the title of Wardrobe Failure Queen.

I made the choice to buy a tiny, pocket sized sewing kit just in case another piece of fabric decides to betray me.

After exercising, I actually felt really confident about taking care of myself. I started to realize that life doesn’t always have to be hard. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves the chance to figure things out, even if things are messy. Or in my case projection for quantified escalations.

It’s nice. :)

I tend to use all my issues as tools instead of letting them become conflicting holds on my identity.

That has allowed me to control some of my sensory issues.

I had a huge one regarding loose hairs. It’s still there, but by allowing myself to simply exist in the same room as clumps of hair, it isn’t as huge of a thing as it used to be.

Will I still scream if I see hair in food and basketball dunk it into the trashcan?

Without a doubt.

But loose hair is something I can clean and exist around now.

Ironically enough, I love hair in general. A man I love with a beard is my kryptonite. Body hair doesn’t bother me either. I actually think it’s beautiful. I also love growing my hair long.

Well, it’s been fun, Diary.

Let’s hope for more to come.

Heeheehee. ;) Nighty Nights 🌒

When I slightly close my eyes, I start to fall asleep, just for a moment. I know I’m fighting it, though I don’t know why. And there, in the deepest part of that almost-sleep, I see your face. Your lips suddenly call my name, and it happens just like that, again and again.

Other times, I’m in a crowd. People are talking all around me, someone is speaking directly to me, but my eyes focus on something else. Someone else. You, standing there, watching. I don’t understand what it means. You come close, then drift far away. You walk by, and I’m left wondering if you’re trying to tell me something.

Sometimes I wish you would just tell me. But it never makes sense.

As much as I try to decipher it, I only end up falling apart, because I get excited by the idea that maybe what I’ve unlocked or discovered is real. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s you sending a message to me.

Then I remember this is real life.

And as much as my heart is still tethered to you, that doesn’t mean yours is tethered to me. I don’t know if my instincts are right. I don’t know if what I feel so deeply inside me is being honest, or if I’m only telling myself something I wish were true.

How could I know?

I can already hear you fighting the narrative, but the memory of you is so wonderful. Beautiful. Innocent, yet not innocent. You are the in-between, the perfect combination of everything I have ever desired.

I don’t know why. I’ll never truly understand. But you were what I asked for. You were what I hoped for. Everything I could have imagined.

I imagine that our kiss would be explosive, like tasting heaven, if heaven were a dish. Like falling, but peacefully. Completely, deeply electrifying.

But without you here, I feel contradicted. Confused.

And when I lay in my bed, I can feel your arms wrap around me, like somehow you want me to know that even distance and silence can’t separate us. Like you want me to stay with you, even if it’s hard.

But how do I know that’s true?

How do I know it isn’t all in my head?

I wish I could know. I wish there were a sign.

So the only thing I can do is hold the smile inside my heart and say,

Wherever you are, that is where I want to be.

Right beside you.

Hey Diary....Guess what! Heeheeehee 🌻

I can finally clean my house without too much pain!!!

🤭

I'm so sleepy but I'm so excited that I had to log it :))))))))))))

I was starting to lose hope going to physical therapy, I felt so much anxiety not being able to be helpful, I felt like crying seeing the messes scattered. 😭

I could barely cook too, I felt like my existence had melted and evaporated into mist haha

But seriously!!!!! Yay! I have completed half the job with a little aches but it's an improvement!!!!

I'm soooo excited!!!!! I proudly reorganized my kitchen like a squirrel organizing for winter. Hehehehe

Eeeek! 😁

Well that's it hahaha

Goodnight Diary.

Chirping birds singing to morning skies, my cheeks misting as the sun warms me.

I hold my breath and count to four, letting traces of mint flow into the air, falling from my lips. I brace myself for another day.

I look up to find the blue that shares the space between worlds and deeply sit with the images of a billion reasons we exist. I see walls of villages seen as poor, but value stands by the smiles they carry, the warmth of a home full of family and traditions. Knowing that the cost of happiness is not what you can buy, but what you already have and what’s to come.

My heart drips into the colors of skirts and sounds of music, where laughter shelters my hips as I imagine the skies cheering on waves of salsa, curving the edges of passion, confidence, and curiosity. A variety of booming colors, as beautiful as a garden full of flowers.

Where there is space for the imagination, there is life, there is theory, and a history climbing into the mind’s climax.

Can you smell it? The sea calling from a distance, the warm sand on your feet, and the calm moving into your veins as the world disappears for a moment into something settling, something clean. The surfaces of the earth beneath. The unknown that carries peace.

Suddenly, the sound of children embraces your hips, and suddenly you feel emotional. You feel blessed, a grace of “Hello, Mama,” holding and brushing through those strands covering her loving eyes. Admiration. Innocence. My princesses, my papas, my little guy. Blessed I be with the wealth of you.

A kiss upon their heads.

I hold these hands and say, “I love you. With the pressures of life, I will always be here to protect you.”

My frustrations and my heart combine to match the walls in my home. What will you teach me today? What will we both learn? Perhaps not much at all, as I carry the weight of chores and cooking on my back. Perhaps something small, like your realization that burps are funny, that farts are stinky, and that with you, I live the best messiness.

Your courage, your push. My eyebrows lifting, your feet running from the mommy monster. I see you teach me to keep smiling. You teach me to be unfiltered, and I learn every day what makes you, you.

If the yucky in your taste in food brings you back to judge my chemistry skills, or you change your mind and prefer the one that fell on the ground, perhaps a new lesson is to bend my knees and let the floor be our table. Set the cloth and set the fancy sippies, enjoying the giggles, and of course, your fluffy guests can have some too.

I hope I can give more than this, and I hope that my bracing to the beautiful sky sets your hands to reach higher than I ever have.

I love you.

H.B.D.D.R.

I.H.Y.D.W.

G.Y.P.B.F.H.F.M.

I.D.J.M.Y.

I.M.Y.B.

T.C.

A.

I remember when I was a teenager and life was complicated, with my heart full of conquest.

My spirit was high, and my capabilities were unstoppable. Then I fell in love, the tracks in my system stopped, and my fierceness became undefined.

I thought you loved me unconditionally, but perhaps I was simply wishing on the wrong stars.

I don’t know. Even now, you ask me to wait. You ask me to not forget you, even if it means never loving you the same again.

Lots of people would say this is love, and many would cringe in horror to know why it’s not. Others would be baffled at the choices in between.

But the only opinion that matters in the end is mine.

My beliefs have no arrows to strike an illusion I cannot change. I cannot sit in the illusion of another’s bias. I have to be grounded in reality because I want my dreams to be a reality, not a made-up fantasy in my head.

For years, I tried to understand you, forgave, allowed, and eventually harmed myself in a storm I never had control over, thinking you loved me. But no one saw the truth. You didn’t know what love was, nor what it meant to love me. After so many years of cruelty and punishment for simply being myself and loving you, for having pain and flaws that you deemed not good enough, I eventually accepted the truth. I saw the pain beneath the lie of “I love you,” not the kind where you share a bond and love is fire, but the kind where blood was spilled to create the illusion that harm meant love.

This wasn’t a flaw. This wasn’t a mistake. This was your choice. Even now, knowing the truth and time being late between devotion and forgiveness, I still place my hands gently on you and whisper, “You deserve love. You deserve to find it in yourself and allow yourself permission to do better, even without me.”

You stare into my eyes like the boy I loved, and my heart shields itself but stays tender.

“But our dreams, our future, the vision.”

With my broken pieces and the pain that still cares for your soul, I stutter in complication.

“I can’t.” “How do I respond to you, knowing all I see is pain, manipulation, harm? Love yourself before deciding any future that includes love, because the words you claim to feel are not aligned with your actions. I can forgive you a thousand times, but I can no longer be your devoted fool. I need me.”

I see the bleeding in your head. I don’t want karma to hurt you. I don’t want you to feel pain, even if you caused me the worst imaginable. But I cannot keep protecting you when I need to protect myself from you. I cannot shelter you from reality. I know I need to step back and let you grow, even if you insist on holding onto me.

I forgive you; that’s not the issue. I want you to be happy, even if that is without me. Maybe right now, you don’t see that possibility, and I can stand here beside you until you can choose clearly. But at some point, you need to choose with truth, not with fear or desperation of this life we built being ripped from you, when it was never built with your hands, but only mine. You left me to create. But with compassion, I wait, but I do not create disillusion. I gave you the greatest gift you never dared give me.

The truth.

Being here with you but still separated is my heart telling you to build yourself up without harm and respect my choices to not maintain a lie that we are more than this.

You say maybe I’ll come back to you, but I see you’re starting to accept the reality and finding your step in the broken ground you created.

The end of this may never come, or it will.

I can’t say. But I know that, as a woman, I see the human in you and understand my place. For now, I need to keep moving forward, even if my heart may choose to let another set of hands reach for me.

My soul needs this more than my compassion wants to remain a fool. Not because I hate you, I don’t. Not because I want revenge, I don’t care for games. But for myself. I need to grow from the woman who stayed in the harm, who let you manipulate and control her.

And I hope someday you’ll come to understand why.

My dreams came true in a twist of a raging nightmare and unconditioned destiny. Within it a precious innocence that I protect with my life and soul. Waking has been overdue.

Today was hectic, but gosh, I didn't realize how much I needed that release.

You were so close to my body, and I didn't think about it until you froze and started slowly looking at me like you wanted to do something we both know would change everything.

You caught yourself as you noticed me following your gaze. I was paralyzed. You stopped at my breasts, and suddenly the shock kicked in as you stumbled and straightened up like nothing happened, catching your breath and just getting back to the workout. I was so conflicted internally. On one side, I wished you slammed me against the fence; on the other hand, I wanted to just pretend that didn't happen. I was burning inside and kept trying to put the image of your hands on my hips out of my mind.

After so much tension, I had to clear my head and take charge of my own release before I couldn't control my primal beast from taking over.

Gosh, it was so good. I haven't had sex in a month and held off on masturbation so I could build up the heat to 💯. That was dangerous. hahaha

Well, now that I am more clear headed, I keep wondering if he hasn't gotten any. He's very attractive, and it's hard for me to believe that he would have a hard time with that.

High libido and ovulating, my mind won’t behave. It keeps spinning fantasies of being wanted so badly I can feel it in my body, claimed with heat, touched with hunger, pulled into that kind of sensual, reckless sex that feels like fire under the skin. Anywhere. Everywhere. Hands on me, breath against me, the kind of desire where our bodies consent, but doesn’t ask, it just takes.

Having free roam to do so is nice, but my heart is extremely stubborn and won't let anyone have me willy nilly. Doesn't matter how hot or nice or even connected. My heart chooses when my body allows me to slam against another and makes the night unforgettable.

I'm still horny, but it's less now. hahaha

Well, I'm trying to keep things friendly with him. He is so sweet, and I want so badly to cuddle him and show him some light from his daily life, but I never have the right words to communicate better with him. My brain is like, sorry, this tension is blocking intelligence. Hahaha. Damn this brain!

He told me I should write a book. He doesn't even know how I write, yet he encourages me to reach for possibility over chaos. I can tell he's really lonely, even when he is with others. I want so badly to be a flashlight for him, but I'm trying to give myself time to heal and not fall into a pattern of protection and creating an overwhelming environment where it's blinding for him. I'm gonna miss him when I go, and I hope with the little time I have left, I find the strength to thank him for all his support and maybe, if I'm lucky, he'll accept a hug from me.

I can see us being really great friends, but I think the feelings would only cause confusion, and I don't want to burden him or cause him to become overwhelmed. He has a lot going on right now, and I don't want to become another thing on his plate.

I hope things get better for you moving forward. I see what you have to carry and wish I could support you too. Just know in your heart you're not alone, you are greatly appreciated.❣️

Movement I was unprepared for, what is your heart whispering to your mind? Your curiosity makes my heart calm, and a wave of comfort fills the space between us.

I see how your heart glows when you speak of love, how your heart carries the memory of something soft, like little fingers reaching to be held, protected by your sheltering hand.

My cheeks blush in awe as your tenderness carries a truth deeply embedded into your expression, naturally sweet.

Thoughts drive you into pauses I cannot define. Yet you catch everything I do, read me like a book, tease me even knowing my truth. You didn’t fall; you caught me and told me, walk.

Stubbornly, I follow through. Stubbornly, I’m starting to warm up to your shelter too.

What is your heart whispering to your mind?

My hand met your shoulder as the shock moved through you with grace. You turned to find my hand. Still, I wonder what your heart whispered to your mind. What could it be you wanted to say?

Perhaps do is better said.

Perhaps.

Perhaps.

My heart, forged in the memory of your fingers through my mind’s contemplations.

I fiddle with that memory like craftsmanship I demanded to brush upon my chest.

Though your touch is unknown to me, the memory of its soul presses against my skin, leaving the flush of red plums upon my breath.

Your fingers linger beyond the strokes you maintain upon a keypad.

They are the pulse that drives me to listen, drives me to dream, to fantasize that your silk patterned chin would embrace me, tickle my neck, as I feel the warmth of your chest pressed against my bosoms.

Your filter is none. The movement of your whispers plagues me with desire to outlast many lifetimes.

You are the liquor in my mouth, the taste I want on my tongue.

You are the memorial unplanned and the curse I’ll never ask to give back.

Something clicked tonight and I cannot confirm its truth or validate its misconstruction.

Questions are the blessing of crossed communication.

I am so thankful I kept my keylogger, it's helped me become more aware of something horrible and probably very misunderstood.

I was so baffled that I left out context in my message that it literally sounded like something happened that didn't happen at all.

My face turned white at the thought that you thought I actually. I can't even imagine it. How cruel that would be for you if you did.

My heart is sinking just imagining it.

But maybe this is nothing more than fluffed assumptions. Without confirmation I'm left pondering if you really think I'd ever do such a horrible thing.

After everything. I truly hope my theory is incorrect.

Truly truly praying that you didn't think what I'm thinking you thought.

My heart is breaking just thinking you did.