My guy LOVES watching the TV. He even has favourite shows that he watches more intently, I assume for the colour palette? I just put the tv on for him now while I’m reading a book. But he’s equally happy to watch my iPad haha. There’s a running joke between me and my friend about how I’ve raised an iPad kid. He just stole my side of the bed so he can better watch the iPad.
We tried to date and it lasted for a few months before he called it quits because I made some mistakes and had some growing and learning to do. After that I knew he didn’t want a relationship with me again. We had a discussion about it before and he told me if I held on to feelings for him, we couldn’t be friends.
For 1.5 years I kept my feelings to myself. I realised that I was being dishonest to him by not saying anything. I knew how he would feel if he knew, so I didn’t tell him, essentially lying. I told him 2 days ago. I didn’t want to lie or be dishonest, he deserved better.
He left today. Gone. I feel so… lost. Every day almost for the last almost two years of our friendship we’ve spoken. Even if it’s just briefly. We’ve gone through so much (I won’t share his stuff as that’s not for me to do). He was there when I got dumped, he nearly died at one point, I was baptised, my parents basically disowned me, I had to go into hospital for emergency surgery after a dog attack, my dog died, my uncle died, my birthday was yesterday, and most of that is in the last 5 months. He was my constant. My rock. He made me feel like I’d be okay and I could get through it all.
And now we’re never going to speak again. My favourite person. The man I truly loved with everything I had. The man who made me believe in soulmates. The man who showed me that true love is real. The man who taught me what it means to really love someone. Gone. Forever.
I don’t know how to process it. I don’t think I ever will. He changed me for the better in so many ways and I wanted to be the best version of myself for him. I wanted to be his everything. To give him everything.
I don’t have friends. I don’t have anyone to vent to. I just need to get this out somewhere. I just can’t imagine life without him. I don’t get over people easily and I’ve never been so attached and connected to someone like this before. I’m a grown adult. I’m not 17 and getting led astray by hormones. I’m 30+ and I’ve dated and loved in the past, lived with two different men, planned futures. But this was just different. They say when you know, you know. And I’m telling you, I knew. But sometimes it isn’t meant to be. I don’t know how to move on from this but the tiramisu my exs mum made me (she loves me) for my birthday is helping for sure.