TW: Transphobia, small joke about genitalia.
A little story from before my shelf broke and I got out of both the Mormon Church and my parents house.
I was an "egg" A trans man so far back in the closet I was practically king- I MEAN QUEEN DON'T TELL JESUS! Queen of Narnia at the time. But I was also just as much of a strong personality and autistic menace as I am today.
It was summer, my siblings were all getting their hair trim-ups. Girls all got taken to the salon, but for the boys my mother had a haircutting kit she used at home. I'd weighed my options, and decided for myself that getting a short haircut would not only be just fine by me (🏳️⚧️👀) but would also save us money! One less salon trip! Mother always complained about the money spent on us, I was being frugal AND being less hot under 10000 modest layers in summer.
I presented this flawless and money-savvy plan to my conservative Maga-lovin' mother. And- as all good Mormon children do- begged for an ounce of self expression very very nicely. I fully expected this plan to work. Instead, I got laughed down. My mother's reason: People will mistake you for a boy.
This did not add up. My mother had shorter hair, albeit in a "feminine" style I would not have liked. On top of this, I could not comprehend why we- a church that prided itself on being different from ✨The World✨ would care so much about other people's preconceived notions of us.
I was also not bothered by the idea of being mistaken for a boy. (🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️👀👀)
I offered a rebuttal: "If people think I must be a boy because of my hair, it's their problem. Sounds like they need to know girls can have short hair too."
At this, more laughter. And a response I still remember to this day: "You sound like one of Those People."
Upon further questioning, "those people" apparently meant leftists. This only confused me further, because I had thought leftists were supposed to be rude, not supportive of feminism. (😂 don't ask. I had a very strange worldview)
Needless to say I didn't get the haircut. Not the one I wanted, anyway. A short bob at the salon was as far as my owners- oops I mean wonderful and not transphobic parents would allow me to go.
As for the Boy thing, I wasn't done. I wanted to go shorter in the future but knew it would be impossible while my parents still believed my precious gender hung on the balance. So I yet again devised a watertight plan: I made a Pronoun pin. A big "She/Her" front and center, the pronouns I'd had since birth and the ones that "matched" my AGAB. No gender deviancy or leftism to be seen. Just a nice little correction for anyone wondering if my haircut matched my genitals, right? Right?
Nope. My first time wearing it I was pulled aside by both(!) parents, and told I was forbidden from wearing my own creation. "It shows support for a lifestyle." What in the Telestial kingdom did that mean? Support? A lifestyle? Who's lifestyle? Why was I yet again bound to a bland, impersonal existence by some self-induced paranoia around OTHER PEOPLE'S perception of me?
I said okay, hid it from them in fear they would throw it out if they saw it again. It was the first of many hidden things.
Compression Binders, contact lists, online chats with friends who understood, clothes, flags, depression. As the years passed I learned about myself, how to listen to my body and mind and not call it a ghost or a devil. I met other kids and even adults who encouraged me to be myself. I flip-flopped violently between internalized (and externalized) transphobia and fierce allyship for a while before it all just fell apart in a mess that I find strangely beautiful when I look back on it.
And years later I left and never looked back.
I still have the pin. I never wear it because all my friends already know who I am, and no haircut would make them disrespect me. My hair is completely buzzed, never hot in the summer in my tank tops. And yes 😭 I'm now one of Those People, an adult who minds his business when it comes to other people's haircuts. But it's more than just hair, more than gender. I'm free now.
TL:DR: Little me, trans and in denial, wants a short haircut. "No, you'll look like a boy" okay I made a She/Her pronoun pin to wear, that should fix the problem, right? "Nope, take it off and never wear it again" Oh okay, my mistake for thinking bigotry actually follows fuckin logic. Anyway I'm trans now and my hair is short cuz they can't stop me. ✨🏳️⚧️