My experience with disassociation
I call it: "the snake, eating its own tail"
I feel myself breaking again and again and again. Everything is repeating itself. My brain makes a thousand loops into itself every second. I don't know what to do about it and I don't even know if I can do anything against it.
The pressure that has crushed me down to here apparently isn't gone. I can't find out from where it comes or how I could get rid of it.
It's like someone installed a virus into my brain. I forget more and more. Sometimes I forget things the second after they happen. It hurts my head to even think, but at the same time I can't stop thinking about a thousand things per second.
It's weird to look at life from this perspective, because everything seems so different. There is a level of detail to everything I can see, hear, smell and feel but at the same time everything feels so bleack and formless. My mind is like a painting, a painting that has the most detailed lines and most perfect brush strokes for a perfectly cubed rock. The surface of the rock is smooth and gray. The rock is huge and looming over everything. Still it is just a boring gray rock.
There are pulses rushing through my entire body. They start and stop at random points. They feel like they are pointing to a specific body part. But it's a body part that I just do not have. It feels like something that should be there that just isn't. I couldn't point out where this body part would be attached to, nor what it would look like.
When I'm in this state of mind I realize again and again, a mind can not break. It just slowly melts away. It slowly dissolves into a mixture of thoughts and feelings that shouldn't exist. I have emotions that don't exist, just for the blink of a second. Long enough to realize that it doesn't make sense, but too short to pin it down to anything.
Weirdly enough I always think that that is where I would feel "most suicidal", but I don't feel like that at all. It feels like that wouldn't change anything, like my mind isn't connected to the flow of time at all. My thoughts and feelings are not influenced by time. But I still get out of that state after some time.
After that state ends I have to figure out my own body again. I have to find where my hands and feet are. I have to look at a clock and understand that a day has 24 hours and an hour has 60 minutes. I realize that I need to drink and that I'm human with human needs.
It's still a million times better than having a panic attack. It's just calm confusion, no fear, maybe sometimes a bit of anger. Maybe it's just my brain trying to create a space for itself where it can completely take a break for a moment. But I don't think that it's very healthy for me. Yet, right now I can not do anything against it.
I should drink something now.