u/-BouquetOfFlowers-

I keep staring at my phone like it’s going to light up.

Like Shakur’s going to message me and say she understands.

Or that she hates me.

Honestly, I think I’d prefer the second one. At least hatred is loud. This silence is unbearable.

I told her everything.

The picture was fake.

Every single part of it.

The timestamp edits.

The cropped messages.

The way I made Gold Ship look guilty on purpose.

I admitted all of it.

And now I can’t stop hearing my own voice repeating it back to me over and over again.

I made it.

I made it.

I made it.

What kind of person even does that?

Every time I try to justify it in my head it immediately sounds uglier the second I think it through.

I was scared.

I was jealous.

I thought Gold Ship would eventually take her away from me completly.

None of that changes what I did.

It just makes me sound pathetic.

I keep remembering the way Shakur looked at me after I confessed.

Not angry. That would’ve been easier. Not disgusted either.

Just… tired.

Like I had handed her something heavy she never wanted to carry.

I think that expression is going to haunt me longer than any screaming would have.

Because if she screamed, I could’ve defended myself.

If she hated me, I could hate myself back and pretend that balances things somehow.

But disappointment?

Quiet disappointment?

There’s nowhere to run from that.

I wonder if Gold Ship knows yet.

Goddesses.

The thought alone makes me nauseous.

I spent so long convincing myself she was the problem that I stopped seeing her as a person.

She laughed too loud.

She was too close to Shakur.

Too effortless.

Too easy to love.

And instead of dealing with my own insecurity like a normal person, I tried to ruin her. Over a relationship that wasn’t even guaranteed to stay together in the first place.

I keep opening our old chats...

Mine and Shakur’s.

I scroll through them looking for the exact moment I started becoming this version of myself.

Like maybe there’s a point where everything curdled.

A sentence.

A race.

A joke.

Something.

But all I find is proof that she trusted me.

And I weaponized it.

I can still feel how cold my hands were when I confessed...

I thought once the truth came out I’d feel relieved. Cleaner somehow.

Instead I just feel exposed.

Like I tore myself open and all the rot finally spilled out where someone else could see it too.

Part of me keeps hoping she’ll forgive me.

And another part of me thinks forgiving me would make her stupid.

That’s the worst part.

I understand if she never speaks to me again.

I understand if Gold Ship hates me forever.

I earned both of those things.

I don’t even know what I wanted anymore.

Not really.

Because if I truly loved Shakur...

why was I willing to hurt her just to keep her close to me?

That question keeps replaying in my head.

Again.

Again.

Again.

And every answer I come up with only makes me hate myself more. Maybe Jordan was right about me.

Rocky...Can I ask you something? Would keep it as a secret? It's very important to me.