tw:sh/suicid3
We were on no contact for a month because space was needed for us to reflect on the relationship and everything. I talked to her today and we broke up. I don't know, I half expected this because I felt like she has maybe stopped missing me because of the break but I didn't think everything would slip and end so fast. I know it's unsavable, in my head I know this is the only way it could ever be because she's moved so far away from me and it's impossible to genuinely date rn. I know it is. And I know I'm the kinda person who thrives on quality time together and touch and physical presence, I feel like she has the same ideal too. I knew continuing this would be cruel on both of us because we'd be keeping eachother stuck without fulfilling eachothers primary needs. But I just can't deal with this now, I've been in love with her since 3 years and I could never imagine someone more perfect for me as she was. I hate the distance I hate that we're both young and I hate how helpless the entire situation is. The worst part is she left thinking that I'm tired of her and that I'm disappointed in her, I told her that I still loved her but I feel like she doesn't believe me. We've eachother blocked now and to remove the matching profile and bio I had with her felt like biting a birth mark off of my own skin. I don't know if I'll make it through this, idk if I even can tbh. I just feel emptier and worse every passing second and I don't even have it in me to even try to contact her from a different account because I just know even if I do it'll never solve the problem of distance and everything else. Eventually we'll just have to face this loss, even if I drag it out to death. I know I shouldn't be listening her old voicenotes but I feel like if I don't rn I may genuinely just end up harming myself. She's an artist since childhood and she told me I was her only muse. She used to draw me often, it was signed and I loved her works so much. The last thing she gave me was a full portrait but she didn't sign it because she said she doesn't deserve to. And even tho it was easily the best work I've ever seen from her, the detail was mythical and beyond realistic, but her not signing it makes the whole thing feel souless. I keep looking back at old simple doodles she sent me of us and even they feel so much mine because because they're marked. I don't know if I'll survive this, I'm just trying to hold on to every passing moment but I've been crying since past 3 hours. I don't know what to do.