It's just so bad sometimes.
Usually it's worse when I'm around cis girls. When I have sex with my cis girlfriend it gets pretty bad when I see her vagina. I can't ignore the dysphoria. Like, to feel comfortable with her it takes a ton of energy to embrace it. Usually I just accept the dysphoria and usually I cry during sex, or before or after.
Then it stays in my head. It's very painful and sometimes I can't sleep. Last time I had sex with her was 3 days ago and the dysphoria is still very intense. I've been thinking about it when I went to sleep yesterday, and woke up still thinking.
There's also when I'm at work with my cis colleagues. Usually they don't mind changing in front of me, I look very much like a girl so they're comfortable. I don't purposefully look of course but when I see their bodies I feel absolutely terrible. I feel like I'm a guy who sneaked in the women's changing room. Also sometimes they talk about "lady problems" (like their cycle or whatever) and I'm like. What the fuck am I doing here. I really don't belong with the girls.
I'm really looking to fix this, but I started transitioning 5 years ago, and it hasn't gotten better in the slightest. Even though I pass and everything. On occasion the pain has been unimaginable. I'm not an unhappy person but I'm currently planning assisted dying in Switzerland because of it. It's really bad and I don't know what to do.