So this is my first time posting on Reddit as I’ve come to a point in my life where I have so much repressed anger and could really do with unbiased opinions on what the next step is.
I’ll try make this a short as I can as there is a lot of background that has built up throughout my life.
As a child I grew up with a Schizophrenic alcoholic mum, a Dad that never showed any emotion apart from anger (there was never any physical abuse) and a sister with Asperger’s syndrome. As you can imagine it was a very volatile environment to grow up in and there was constant arguing between my parents as neither were happy and also between me and my sister. The unpredictability of whether my mum would start smashing plates, spend the day drinking or lock herself away due to paranoia was very difficult for me at the time as all I wanted was a normal mum. Also not being able to get any help from the mental health services or have her committed (despite my dad trying) was sickening as she was the one who had to do it - which being a paranoid schizophrenic meant was virtually impossible. There was never any love in our family - we never hugged, said we loved each other or did anything together. This resulted in me being a very hardened individual that never relies on anyone as it makes you vulnerable. My sister would basically get anything she wanted due to her Asperger’s (she has always been fully capable and you can’t even tell it’s there). She would steal my clothes (even though I’m the younger sibling), not have to eat with the rest of us and take things without asking without any consequence. My sister would always compare the fact that I had more friends and no one likes her. Having Asperger’s she doesn’t understand social cues or when people are laughing with and not at her.
Anyway, eventually my sister moved away to university and my parents divorced (when I was 15) I chose to live with my Dad which was a difficult decision as I had a lot of worry leaving my mum on her own. My Dad then got a new girlfriend and would basically leave me to look after myself and get myself to school. He never saw an issue with this and I don’t think he genuinely understands how wrong that is which I have come to understand with time.
Fast forward and my mum has a mental breakdown and actually admits herself into hospital which I thought seemed like a silver lining and she might finally get some help. Unfortunately during the night she then suffered from a heart attack and passed away which was an extremely difficult time for me. At this point I was doing my A Levels.
My grandma (mum’s mum) is a truly horrible person which I won’t delve into too much. After my mum’s death she went straight to the solicitor and when asked said there was no next of kin, so basically no kids. They found out pretty soon that me and my sister existed of course. My sister at this point wasn’t living nearby so I was left to organise the funeral during my college breaks, pick out the coffin and deal with family members that came scrounging for money. At this point I was so disgusted I just told them all if it made them happy to just have whatever they wanted. My sister was sent the death certificate being the older sibling and refused to send it to me so I could submit it for extenuating circumstances for my A Levels as she wanted to “frame it”. This made things substantially harder for me on top of everything else.
The funeral of my mum was chaotic. My grandma was shouting at my auntie’s saying they were the reason my mum was dead and other horrible accusations (none of this was true) while I’m there at age 18 trying to keep it together. When my mum was cremated my sister was sent the ashes. I expected that we would scatter them together in a meaningful place. She decided she would do it at one my mum’s old friend’s house who was never there for my mum and did it by herself. My sister has now fallen out with this person. Again, at the time I was so tired I never told her how much I hated her for this.
What kept me going was my music and always having a goal to work towards. All I wanted was to be independent. It has worked for most of my life but after achieving my main life goals there was no sense of achievement. It always seems to be what’s next and it’s exhausting.
That’s basically the background of what my childhood and teenage years involved. I smile and joke around but there is so much anger in me sometimes. I never cry, I can’t physically seem to do it and although I feel okay I worry that one day I’ll explode.
I really want to have a close family but my sister has consistently shown she is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. We are also complete opposites and have never gotten on with each other. I speak to my Dad but again he doesn’t know much about who I am now or my life after I moved to university and there is no emotion there. Apart from that I speak with one uncle that I’m close to but that’s it. I have a partner and his family is great but I want to be able to have my own.
Is it worth trying to salvage anything with such an ignorant family that has shown time and time again that the only person I can rely on is me?