I honestly haven’t ever had it too bad when it came to having things I wanted, material wise. I’ve always struggled with mental illness and I had plenty of therapy, been institutionalized pretty much my whole childhood and adolescence.
I know I’m not normal. And I know that that’s okay, I just experience life very differently than most people. I don’t go through things the same way.
I guess I just feel slightly like a loser because this is something I’m considering doing. I never thought I’d start doing drugs either but here we are.
I’m not giving up on life or myself. But this feels wrong, being a bum by choice. but the thing is all I do and have done is just rot away in my room and be chronically online.
Even when I was a child I hated school because I had issues focusing and crazy social anxiety. A lot of my own mental issues. I left home often but I always ended up coming back.
I ran away often because I felt so suffocated and honestly that feeling may have never completely left.
It scares me how little that’s changed especially since I’m a grown woman now. I’m 19 years old, and sure I’m young but I’m disappointed that there’s been so little development.
I feel so disconnected from reality, even when I’m around other people. I don’t know how to be a human let alone any sort of adulting.
My thing is I know this is my choice, so I’m going to do it and see if I like it. It just feels selfish but I guess I feel like dying in my room alone feels worse.
I hate when everything seems so normal. Like the basics. I seriously barely know how to adult but I’m learning fs. Slowly but surely. I guess I’m avoiding life but I can’t bring myself to get up because I get to choose what path I go down as an adult but I feel so passionless. I don’t want anything desperately enough to wanna get up for it.
I feel like I often only care enough about things when it’s something I have to fight my way out of. When I’m on the ledge I start truly focusing on what’s actually important in this life, and whenever everything seems normal again. Basic interactions, humans just being human I feel so anxious. Socially anxious. I hate feeling afraid and anxious when there’s truly nothing endangering my life but my feelings and ego.
My own emotions just make me feel so disappointed.
So I think this is what I’m going to do eventually because i don’t do anything else at all. I was proud of myself a bit even when I smoked crystal recently just because I took a risk.
When I leave I wanna make sure there’s nowhere to go back to. I have to fight my way out. I’m good enough to live and fight for my life. Because mentally I can’t escape this hole, and I’m truly fucking alone in this life.
So because this is what I’m going to do, regardless if it’s selfish I don’t care,
from anyone with experience in this. What are some things I should keep in mind? What are good ways to keep myself safe? Any traveling advice? Any warning signs to look out for when interacting with other people? How do you guys manage having very little money? What are some ways you make money if you don’t steal? How do you keep injuries disinfected with very little supply?
What are some of the best places to go travel for starters? Is there anything I should absolutely take, what do you do when you are out and about? Drugs?
Lmk any thoughts or suggestions.