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r/SatireLikeTheOnion

▲ 149 r/SatireLikeTheOnion+1 crossposts

I feel ill.

Katie Miller, wife of White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy and Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller, gave another interview on Fox News today in which she tried to explain why had she called her husband a “sexual matador” previously.

“When I said that, I want to be clear that I’m more back with the crowd in that scenario. Then we have another man enter the room, who is referred to as ‘the bull’… then there’s the cape…” looking surprised by her own evolving metaphor, Katie Miller trailed off. “…but, I don’t think I am allowed to say anything else about that. Other than it’s totally normal and I do receive a $25 thousand monthly allowance.”

When pressed by host Jesse Watters about the allowance, she deflected.

"But, I just wanted to address the rumors. Nothing else. Yes, I knew who Stephen Miller was when we got married. I have the internet,” Katie stated while showing several unappealing screenshots of Stephen from news articles in her phone. “I married him on purpose. As you can see, I had seen his face multiple times. You have to prepare. Mentally.”

Watters then tried to steer back to the matador metaphor, asking:

“So what else does the matador… do?”

“The matador doesn't just fight the bull. He dances with the bull. He respects the bull. Stephen honors the bull…” Katie Miller stated. “Every inch.”

Clearly uncomfortable, Watters asked: “And where are you in this scenario?”

Katie Miller replied, “I’m sitting on my chair… let’s say… commentating loudly and describing Stephen’s body honestly. That’s what gets my matador’s little sword pointy.”

Watters immediately ended the interview, stating:
“I don’t know. I don’t know where to go from here. It just keeps getting worse. Let’s cut it.”

As of press time Katie Miller had been arrested by ICE.

u/YouReadyGrandma — 3 days ago
▲ 391 r/SatireLikeTheOnion+1 crossposts

Snickers announced today that it is introducing the all-new XXXL Gay Snickers bar that features “pronounced veins” and 33 grams of fiber. The new treat is expected to hit shelves in time for summer Gay Pride events.

CEO Poul Weihrauch explained the decision to launch the controversial product.

”It’s no secret that active, sassy bottoms can be a total nightmare when they get hungry,” Weihrauch stated while wiping a tear from his eye. “And they’re witty, meaning what they say can be very hurtful. But this 9.69-inch, veiny candy bar has your daily value of fiber and is sure to help avoid hurting the feelings of those you love."

Weihrauch was also asked why the fiber content was so high.

”Our target demographic knows,” Weihrauch smirked before noting that “internationally, the product will be made with higher quality ingredients due to most of the world having some semblance of standards.”

The XXXL Gay Snickers will also not look the same everywhere it’s sold.

Weihrauch noted that, overseas, the uncomfortably-veiny candy bar will have a “natural, unmutilated, chocolate sheath covering the tip” because the “American version was weirding everyone else out.”

As of press time, president Trump had already posted to Truth Social about the new Snickers bar:

"AS PRESIDENT I CANNOT ALLOW PERVERTED CANDY BARS TO BE ON DISPLAY NEXT TO THE WHOLESOME CANDY THAT CHILDREN LOVE AND ENJOY!!! LOOKING INTO REVOKING MARS' BUSINESS LICENSE. NOTICE HOW THERE'S NO XXXL WHITE GAY SNICKERS... I'D CALL IT 'THE ARNOLD PALMER' AND IT WOULD BE MUCH BIGGER!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER -DJT"

In response, Mars, Inc. released a statement simply stating that “everyone should be more concerned that Mr. Trump has been putting his extra small Snickers in and around children.”

u/YouReadyGrandma — 9 days ago
▲ 21 r/SatireLikeTheOnion

Extroverted? Here are 5 tips on how to shut the fuck up

Until I read Susan Collin’s book ‘Quiet‘ I never consciously realized I was a prattling, annoying bitch. It was one of life’s “aha” moments. I personally don’t believe extroversion is a virtue.

Extroverts: If you took the time to shut the fuck up, your friends would be telling you to shut the fuck up. Here are 5 tips on how to do just that.

1. Develop a negative overall view of your temperament and personality.
Seeing these characteristics as flawed has been extremely helpful to me. So go ahead and learn to acknowledge things that you’re bad at, then pile on the self-criticism.

2. Realize your opinion is meaningless to practically everyone.
Some of my biggest professional successes have come from shutting the fuck up.

I feel most comfortable when I’m silent. The more experiences I’ve had of offering nothing, the more comfortable I’ve become with it.

Once you accumulate some experience keeping your stupid opinions to yourself, and achieving good results from it, it’ll get easier.

3. Understand that you aren’t special.
Extroverts come in one greyish-blah color and are fueled by any sort of attention. Another fundamental aspect is your natural tendency to want to respond back before digesting any information. Instead, go away and ponder. Then, don’t come back.

4. Understand what the fuck you’re doing.

Examples: Interrupting people who are concentrating, creating noisy environments, and never turning off your social mode.

What to do: Minimize and find workarounds for whatever makes you particularly obnoxious. If you are easily overstimulated, you might benefit from reading Francis Brown’s book Everyone Wants You to Shut the Fuck Up!

Consider learning physiological self-harm strategies that will dissuade you from repeat incidents after you’ve succumbed to overstimulation.

5. Distinguish between confidence and being a cocky asshole.
Extroverted people are overconfident in both

(1) their subpar abilities, and
(2) that they will generally be liked by others.

If you’re missing one of these types of confidence, you’re on your way to likability.

u/YouReadyGrandma — 13 hours ago