r/HouseOfTheAtheists

I can't believe it's been 2 years now ever since I left Islam at 13th May 2024. I didn't expect to still able to endure this long and I am amazed because it is a very lonely path for me to walk alone.

Living a double life can be difficult but it doable, since I live with in an moderate household. So it's basically better than living in a conservative household. But still it can be mentally exhausting to keep my personal secrets for 2 years straight.

So I basically lied in my household for 2 years straight, which is a very long time to lie in my life. Since I lie about doing Wudu and I lie about that I prayed salat. Especially I secretly eat haram food behind my family's back. I do feel bad about keeping it a secret and lying for that long. But I know I ain't lying to be evil. I only lie only for my survival and my safety. So basically I prioritise survival and safety over personal freedom and religious autonomy. I do feel a bit suicidal, since living a double life isn't a great way to live my life especially it drains me mentally and emotionally. But don't worry I won't kill myself since I have alot to live for especially I know I do feel loved and cared for by alot of people.

Another thing is, my 3 family members in my house do force me to pray, which is fucking annoying of course. My brother always questions if I am not a Muslim, since I don't pray 5 times a day anymore. Especially he keeps bothering and tells me to pray constantly until I give in and I pray salat.

I remember a year ago, I do get forced to go to mosque by my parents. But I don't go mosque anymore, since I rebelled to my dad, many times so he basically stop taking me to the mosque, because he can't be asked to argue with me anymore since he knows I whine and keep bitching about it. So I only go Mosque for Jummah only, which is doable at least.

Also I remember my parents force me to go Taraweeh, for this ramadan 2026. They were so forceful to make me go, even when I refuse. It's not even compulsory to go to Taraweeh and I won't even get sins for not praying Taraweeh and my parents clearly know that and fully aware of it. They get so angry, when I skip taraweeh. I was like it's not bad, since it's not compulsory in Islam. But they let me skip few times at least, so I can watch football. Thank goodness Ramadan ended almost 2 months ago. I don't need go through that again until the next ramadan.

But here's a bright side. At least, they let me listen to music. Meaning i don't need to hide from them, if i want to listen to music. I can watch any stuff I want to watch on TV, as long i skip the sexual scenes. I can speak to non-mehrams and hug non-mehrams freely without getting shamed from my parents. So that's partly what I mean it is doable for me to live in my household. I may not have full privilege but at least I am aware that I have it better and easier than many ExMuslims and Muslims, of course.

Enough about my family. I'll talk more about my personal life. Been unemployed for 1 year and 10 months now. Ive been looking for jobs and did have countless interviews almost half of my interviews, I was so close of getting a job, so I kept job hunting for while but many months later, I gave up job hunting. And might as well plan to return to college at September but I am enrolling for a different college, since I've been unemployed for a long time.

So basically my personal freetime during my unemployed life is basically, I watch anime, gaming, I work out as in I exercise, I watch football, especially I go out places on my own. Also sometimes I meet up with my friends.

Few of my Muslims friends know I am an agnostic, who left Islam and they're fine with it at least.

Because during this year ramadan, I hanged out with my muslim friend, he was fasting and I drank water in front of him but luckily he didn't mind it especially he respects my personal beliefs and he stills considered me as his friend. I've been friends with my Muslim friend since September 2021 and we met at college.

I do enjoy being an Agnostic than being a Muslim to be honest. Especially my OCD reduced alot, ever since I left Islam but I still have a little bit of OCD left, since little bit parts of my OCD is still severe.

I enjoy being Agnostic because I can eat what I want regardless if it's halal and haram. I can watch anything I want, when I watch TV without feeling guilty about it. I can interact with Non-Mehram women more often without feeling guilty about it. I can embrace my sexuality without feeling guilty. I can listen to more different types of genre of music and listen to it more often and so on.

So yeah, I'm sure that's enough for my speech. I would've have posted this in r/exmuslim as well but unfortunately I got banned in that sub reddit, since I've been posting alot every Friday for almost 2 years. Yes, I would have post it on other days but they deleted alot of my post on other days because they considered as "fun fundies", when it is really not. That's why I only posted there on Fridays in r/exmuslim. But of course not anymore, since I am permanently banned there.

But don't worry I'll be posting alot in this sub reddit in r/exmuslim2. So yeah.

If you read the whole thing, then I appreciate that you did. So thanks for taking the time to read this and cheers. 🍻🥂☺️😁