r/DID_OSDD

Hello!

Before start, I am sorry for poor language. It's been a while since I used my English skills and I am not quite sure who is fronting in general.

TW: Dissociation and switching (in some level?) and abusive environment also SWEARING

Hi again!

My name is Saphire. At least, I believe I am fronting right now. Host is around here but it's confusing. Like... Everyting is blurry past couple of weeks. Or I am really hungry and having hard time remembering tings.

I already contracted with our therapists but I doubt if it might work...

Lemme start over and tell the whole story. We are currently 19yr old. Back then, when we where starting high school, host go to therapist herself for seeing hallucinations.

Well... Everyone was baffled. She managed not to tell her parents this (they THOUGHT we are going to therapy because we like girls and they supported that. Yikes.)

Eh, a young person, seeing hallucinations and knowing that they are hallucinations... Of course it was unusual. We where lucky. Our psychologist was also a research worker at a university so she read. A LOT. She keep reading about different tings and symptoms. I was constantly writing down tings I feel and voices inside of my head.

Anyways, after nearly one year, when we 15 years old, she said that we have DID. Oh boi... It was hard times.

But lucky us, we got accepted in a diploma program far away from our home (still in same city tho) and needed to stay in dorm.

That was when our condition get better. We had poly layered (I forgot to English term. Multilayered..?) DID. This means we have a lot A LOT alters and sometimes alters having their own alters /system

Two years later, we started integrations. Everyting was okay but then... An accident happened. I don't wanna get into it's details but my family need a little tight in budget because of court tings my dad dealing right now. And because of that, I can't go to university outside of our city. We simply cat afford it (I am living in Turkey so most of the universities are free to study here).

But that was also means I needed to start live with my abusive (mom) again. And I start to split again... My mom never understood my condition. She even mocked me several times and insulted some of my parts.

And I need to study for universities in TURKEY. I was preparing sending my animation portfolio to abroad but since we can't afford it, I need to work hard... And we are living in capital city Ankara. Universities in here accepting students with more higher grades...

So yes. I am splitting again, I need to work for affording a split housing for myself and my cats, also I need to get a high grade in nearing Uni. Exeam. Everyting feels suck. I can't even explain the whole ting in this text and you probably can't get it. Because of my poor language

AAA

Just.. sometimes my diary can't hold so many tings and I needed some place to let myself loose. I quit ai chatbots and seeking healthier coming places so... Here we are.

One of my closest friend once said: if someone was in my shoes, they probably would give up. She was saying this with such awe... Admiring me for not giving up. But I feel.. tired and wanna give up. But I can't the worst part is, I don't know why I wanna keep going. I just simply can't remember.

I don't even know why I choose here for letting all these out. Maybe seeking understanding or emphaty? I dunno... I just wanna hide under my bed and hug my plushie widouth feeling scared, hungry or painful

Good morning and good evening.

My langhage might be poor so please gorgivw me about it

We been taking therapy for 6 years. We have a multilayered system so we have so Many alters. İ am living in between middle east and europe.

Mental health system (in whole academically and therapicallt) is diffrent İ guess...

Last night İ was talking with one of my friends who is also a system... And they said: "Fusion is not something so many proffesionals encourage if you are able to function" but in here, Turkey, fusion look like a must essipecially if you are a multilayered system.

I quit therapy for like... 6 months because most of my alters where fused. Well, last six months was like total nightmare about stress and trauma so most of us are unfused.

The reason our therapist is insisting fusion was because function in multilayered systems can be messy and frigle ...

But my experiences said othervise... I mean, I was thriving when we arranging switchs controlly and managing other tings.

I am not be able to afford any more therapy (economically) I don't know what to do...

Is fusion is a must or something like choice?

Should I enforce my alters to fuse?

Are there systems who living same experiences out there?

Hi! I was wondering if there were any actual free tests online that i could take to see if i have DID or OSDD one of my friends is a system and im trying to figure out if i do as well. I do have ADHD and a mood disorder as well. I do tend to disassociate a lot and say things and act certain ways and wonder why. I’m just trying to figure out who i am. I do have some childhood trauma as well with my dad being a alcoholic and now knowing till about a year ago (I’m 25) i used to have very bad mood episodes and i did have a really good imagination when i was younger thinking i was a famous singer lol. Anything / any advice helps!

Our Ampersand isn't working to the point it's only on the loading screen. It's our favorite app we've used and it's getting hard to not use an app for us. So are there any apps like Ampersand or that are similar?