r/CouplesCounselling

I know it sounds plain and simple, yes- but with 5 years of feelings it is harder said than done.
For Context, bf (22 M) and I (21 F) got together our junior year of Highschool (when we were around 16) and he was also my only friend in Highschool towards the end of senior year. Basically, he means a lot to me and we even had our graduation party together. My Bf, call him Montana, was the first boy I ever loved and lost my virginity to. However, The spicy time aways lacked me being able to finish and for a long time I thought it was just me. With everything else being amazing in the relationship it was easy to overlook, especially since he has abs and a long ykw.

The real problems in our relationship began when I moved three hours away for college and he saved money by going to community college in our hometown. I could feel a sense of despair from him but for the first time I felt like I was developing my identity and forming actual friendships. I felt bad for having the best experience of my life without him since I could tell how much it impacted him being stuck in our hometown.
Before I left for college Montana bought me a $1200 promise ring and although I was ecstatic at the time, it became to be a heavy promise that I couldn’t back out of.
By my Thanksgiving break I brought my college bsf to stay with me since she lived out of state. Montana did not even give us a day to spend by ourselves and spent every night over. Granted, I should have asked him to give us space but at the time I felt like I couldnt ask him to leave since we couldn’t see eachother every day like I could see my college bsf ( Even though he did drive up every other weekend to stay with me). All this to say I started to feel extremely suffocated when he told me he wanted to transfer to my college the spring semester so we wouldn’t be apart.
I had a blast my first semester and honestly was a little disappointed because the college was something I finally felt like was mine ( ik it sounds weird but my therapist says I have anxious attachments so being on my own is extremely scary). Regardless, I was proud of him for applying and getting accepted.
Sh*t hit the fan when spring break came around and I went on a girls trip. I got super drunk one night and made a horrible decision to have a one night stand. Partly bc my 18 yo brain thought that I was already two steps down the wedding isle and I truly wanted to know if ‘spicy time’ was as un -climactic with other people. It was a horrible mistake that ended up destroying our relationship when I told him about the trip.
He was extremely mad ,understandably, but since he had arguably just moved to another city to go to college with me he made the decision to stay.
As you can imagine, it caused a lot of insecurity for him and it was hard to see the pain that I had caused him.
For a year and a half following that I repented immensely doing everything I could to show how much I cared for him. Montana was, again understandably, emotionally unavailable and couldn’t even look at me without distain.
I began to develop itchy sores all over my body from a chronic illness I have because of the stress and sorrow this entire situation led to. I still take a $6000 shot every three months to prevent itchy outbreaks. Obviously I dropped all my friends and did what I could to spend time with Montana as much as possible after, but with sores that made classmates sit in another row and a bf who couldn’t bare to look at me I became to be extremely depressed. Then my cat got ran over. That was my last straw.
A few months later Montana broke up with me and my entire world turned upside down. It resulted in a therapist, psychiatrist, and thankfully a rescue kitten.
I had just started to develop my own hobbies and actually taking care of myself when Montana ran into me at my place of work and ofc I said yes to hanging out the next 3 weeks or so until he asked me to be his girlfriend again.
Everything was perfect in our relationship. It felt just as it had before we graduated from Highschool with puppy love.
Ofc until I got that hey girlie text that asked about timelines because he had intercourse w her.
Immediately going through his phone I found disturbingly gross texts with his roommates about sexual escapades he had over the summer AND the month before being official.
Montana had s*x w me, s*x w a different girl, s*x w me, sex w a different girl, relationship with me.

I wouldn’t mind the fact he had intercourse with others when we weren’t together but it hurt my feelings that he would sandwich me in between them and say those disgusting things that were womanizing on text.
I asked for space but eventually forgave him because after-all I have made mistakes too.
Months have passed of dating and getting things to a new normal, but s*x hasn’t improved despite trying to communicate how to please me and I can’t help but to think about a guy I started seeing while me and Montana were broken up. It was the first time I have ever finished and it completely surprised me since I thought it wasn’t even possible.
My relationship with Montana is great despite this one thing but the reason I am coming to you all is because I am starting to be unsure.
You see, a few days ago I got absolutely blacked out and while my sweet boyfriend was trying to take care of me I apparently called him by the wrong name and tried to come onto him…
He said the name and it was a random name that I don’t know anyone with or met ( checked my socials the next day and no one w that name added me vise versa). So I virtually have no idea who I was calling him.
Montana is understandably upset but I am too because of my black out behavior (i will be handling my liquor from now on).
This has ultimately put me at a cross road because it feels like we are back to starting over in a bad spot.
I know I am young and dumb but I truly do care about Montana and want the best for him. I think I am in Love but my black out behavior makes me question what I really want.
So ig what I’m trying to say is, should I attempt to patch it up or is my subconscious wanting me to break up with my boyfriend of almost five years?

Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully someone answers because I NEED HELP !

Hello everyone,

I would love some advice on a complicated situation.

I am an American (28F) living in Paris. I have been in a relationship with my French partner (27F) for nearly 6 years. We met when I was studying abroad in Paris right before the pandemic hit. I stayed in France and finished my studies via Zoom (the campus had closed during covid).

Before the pandemic and before getting into a relationship I had been planning to get a Master’s in London after my studies. My partner and I at the time were both young and naive, we decided to both forego our masters to do 2 years of internships together and hopefully start a business together afterwards. This choice entailed a very brief internship in Morocco followed by an 8 month internship in Amsterdam. TLDR our great plan didn’t work out as well as expected. After a year and 2 months my partner decided she would get a job in France. We moved to the Alps and then the South of France for two positions for her over the course of 2.5 years. I didn’t work during that time due to lack of opportunity in those locations/visa difficulties. This led to a lot of shame and suffering on my end.

We ended up moving back to Paris nearly 2 years ago because we both a ) wanted to live in Paris again and b) both had professional opportunities. I have been working as an assistant in a furniture gallery. I haven’t been thrilled about my job (very low pay except if I make a big sale, average of one client every two weeks, not much intellectual stimulation). Despite these drawbacks, the experience has led to my desire to strike out on my own in the industry, ideally working as an interior designer as well. I have learned a lot but don’t feel legitimate enough to start a studio off the bat, despite the fact that a lot of interior designers don’t have formal training.

While I was perusing a designer’s work a couple weeks ago I came across a university in London that has a program that I believe could bring a lot of weight and legitimacy to my potential business. I didn’t think too much of it and wrote it off as a pipe dream.

Yesterday my partner told me she saw a job offer in London for the company she used to work for. She told me she wanted to apply. She asked if Id be interested in moving there , I said yes.

Today I spoke to her about the master’s program in London. She told me that after reflection she doesn’t want to move to London and leave her friends and family. At first she criticised my desire, asking if I didn’t think it was ridiculous to get a master’s degree at nearly 30 and that it’s sad I don’t have enough self confidence to start a business on my own. She asked why I can’t do a masters here, to which I replied I prefer not to when French isn’t my first language. She then told me that she would never mpve to London with me unless I had a job and could support myself (rather than being supported by my parents), also telling me that if I were to do a masters here we would move into different apartments because she doesn’t want my half of the apartment to be paid by my parents.

This evening she told me she was unsure if things would work between us because I clearly want to live elsewhere and she didn’t want to move.

She’s now saying it’s ok if I go but I’m saddened by the whole situation and feel guilty about my desire to perhaps go for a masters. Any advice would be appreciated.