r/BecomeADoula

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, especially for the aspiring/newer doulas.

A client asks you, “What would you do?” or “What do you think I should do?” about something medical.

Induction. Cervical checks. Pitocin. Epidural. Breaking waters. Continuous monitoring. A provider recommendation they feel uneasy about.

And it can be tricky because on one hand, doulas are not medical providers. We should not be diagnosing, prescribing, telling someone what to accept or decline, or positioning our personal opinion as the “right” answer.

But on the other hand, I also don’t think “I can’t answer that” is always enough.

Because sometimes what the client is really asking is:

“I’m overwhelmed. Can you help me slow this down?”

“Do I have options here?”

“Is this urgent, or am I being rushed?”

“What questions should I ask?”

“Can someone help me make sense of what just happened?”

To me, the line is this:

I don’t make the decision for her.

I help her get clear enough to make it herself.

So instead of saying, “I would decline that” or “I think you should do it,” I’d rather say something like:

“I can’t make that decision for you, and I don’t want my opinion to become louder than your own voice. But I can help you walk through the information, ask stronger questions, and figure out what feels best for you.”

Then I’d help her ask things like:

What is the reason this is being recommended?

What are the benefits?

What are the risks?

Are there alternatives?

What happens if we wait?

How urgent is this?

What would change if we said yes now versus later?

What do you need to feel informed, respected, and clear?

I think this is one of those areas where doulas can accidentally swing too far in either direction. Either they overstep and start giving medical advice, or they get so afraid of overstepping that they become passive when the client actually needs support processing the decision.

PRO TIP: There is a difference between telling someone what to do and helping them understand what they’re being asked to consent to.

That distinction matters.

Curious how other doulas handle this. When a client asks, “What would you do?” how do you respond?

I see these questions all the time and I remember being there…

You finally get an inquiry, you set up the consult call, and then you spiral. What if they ask how many births I’ve attended? What if they can tell I’m new? What if I freeze?

Here’s the thing nobody told me when I started. Clients are not hiring you because of a number. They’re hiring you because of how they feel on that call. 

I’ve watched seasoned doulas with 200 births lose clients to brand new doulas because the new doula made them feel SEEN. That’s the whole game.

Some stuff that actually helps:

Lead the call. Don’t let them lead it. This sounds counterintuitive because we’re trained to make space for clients. But when you let them drive, the call becomes an interview where you’re the candidate. When you lead, it becomes a consultation where you’re the expert. Open with something like “I’d love to start by hearing a little about where you are in your pregnancy and what’s been on your mind, then I’ll walk you through how I support families and we can talk about whether we’re a good fit.” You just set the agenda. You’re in charge of the call now.

Reference their intake form before the call and bring it up early. If they wrote that they’re 22 weeks with their first and feeling anxious about hospital interventions, mention it in the first few minutes. “I saw on your intake that you’re feeling nervous about the cascade of interventions. Can you tell me more about where that’s coming from?” They will visibly relax. You did your homework. You see them as a person, not a transaction. Most doulas skip this and it’s the easiest way to stand out.

Active listening is NOT nodding and saying “mhm”. It’s reflecting back what you heard in your own words and then asking the next layer down. She says “I just want to feel supported.” You say “When you imagine feeling supported in labor, what does that actually look like for you? Is it physical, emotional, someone advocating for you, all three?” Now you’re in a real conversation. Now she’s telling you things she didn’t even know she needed.
Don’t apologize for being new. Don’t bring it up unless they do. And if they do, you don’t have to lie OR over-explain. Something like “This is one of my first official clients as a certified doula, and I’ve been preparing intensely for this moment. What I bring to your birth is full presence, evidence-based training, and the kind of energy that someone with 100 births might not.” That’s the truth. Lean into it.

Stop saying “I think” and “I feel like.” Listen to yourself on a recorded call once and you’ll hear it everywhere. “I think I would probably bring some massage tools.” Just say “I bring massage tools.” Cut the qualifiers. Confidence is mostly just the absence of unnecessary hedging.

Have three stories ready. Not birth stories necessarily. Stories about why you became a doula, a moment in your training that shifted something in you, a time you supported someone (a friend, a sister, anyone) through something hard. Stories build trust faster than credentials.

Tell them what happens next before they ask. End the call with “Here’s what I’d suggest. Take 24 hours to talk it over with your partner. If you want to move forward, I’ll send over the contract and we’ll book your prenatals. If you have questions in the meantime, text me directly, here’s my number.” You just removed every point of friction. You also signaled that you have a process and you’re not desperately waiting by the phone.

Follow up within 24 hours with something personal. Not “just checking in.” Send them an article about something they mentioned. A podcast episode about hospital advocacy if that’s what they’re worried about. A note that says “I was thinking about what you said about your sister’s birth, and I just wanted to say I’m holding that with care.” This is the move that closes clients.

The doulas who book the most clients are usually not the most experienced ones. They’re the ones who run a tight, warm, prepared consult. That’s a skill you can learn before you ever attend a birth and it will propel your business for years.

I’m happy to workshop in the comments btw. What’s tripping you up most on consults right now?​​​​​​!