u/yourpocketfriend

Married in 20000. Caregiver since 2005. Has anyone ever been thinking “if I had some free time, I do [idea].” But when you suddenly are gifted with that rare occurrence you just sit in a chair and do nothing.
Some kind of paralysis takes over and you just … sit. Napping may happen but you know time is limited before you have to do your duties again.
It literally feels like moving through sludge trying to do something of my own free will.
Can anyone relate?

I’ve been doing this a long time. I lost a lot of things. But one thing that sometimes works when I remember is … through all the prepping and planning to make it through a week .. to stop and exist in the current moment. I didn’t realize I was living different timelines.

It’s like:

The current timeline

the current timeline 5 days from now

Alternate Now if my wife wasn’t disabled

Alternate Future

Current Timeline Historical

Current Timeline Historical Alternate

Current Timeline Future Rabbit trails

They all pull my brain at a constant rate. But today I did something different. When I was making her lunch, I just made her lunch. Rather than be 15 steps ahead I just thought 1 step ahead. I was able to breathe a little.

And I realized that I was just trying to be efficient. I’m tired. I have been taught to be efficient and working efficiently for decades and all it’s taught me was to be doing something else and don’t take up space. You know what else moves and doesn’t take up space? A ghost.

I’m going to try to exist in the now. People crave efficiency and want it for all people, but I’m seeing that the rules do not apply to us.

People don’t know what to do with us. I saw the article about being a caregiver posted in here and it was about caring for elderly parents or patients and that’s fine but when you get it to a spouse. People freeze. That’s ok, i’m not saying they should know what to say or know how to help, I’m just saying the rules don’t apply to us. I don’t know what that entirely means but I do know I am impervious to guilt trips from the outside world. Marketing has zero effect on me. FOMO doesn’t exist because I am already MO. “Take advantage of this opportu-“ screw you. “Everyone is talking about-“ go talk to them. “A limited time engagement-“ sucks for you then. I am everywhere in my head but here and unless you are willing to watch my wife for a day, we have nothing to talk about. At least that’s the feeling inside me when I’m expected to follow the rules of whatever everyone else’s adulthood with a healthy family is like.

So i’m trying to be in the now. Just now. Just you and me and you and you and you over there being in this moment here.

Suddenly it’s not a whole project of groceries and dishes and trash and gasoline and money … it’s just “cut the sandwich in half”

I may be rambling but at least I got this thought out.

I just found this sub and … ellipses there because I can’t seem to talk about this without tearing up. I (49M) have been caregiver for my wife (48F) for our entire marriage almost.

25.5 years. No one who could relate.

It’s not just one issue.

Man, i’m not even sure what to say.

I went to therapy and that gave me some tools. I hesitate to share because she is semi-famous in her niche and she likes to keep a tight control on the narrative.

I lost myself. Lost my friends, hobbies, purpose. Intimacy stopped after the 7th year (not that there was much to begin with, don’t do the math unless you want your contacts to pop out). I didn’t know there was such a thing as “emotional abuse” until 2016.

When my mom passed in 2017, I fought to put in some boundaries and didn’t expect such a counter attack. When my dad away in 2022, I reached a different stage of just wanting peace.

I have built a very complex routine to make sure she has her breakfast, lunch, dinner … which has to come from a carefully negotiated series on conversations to find out what she wants. You can’t plan ahead. Well, maybe 1 day ahead but that’s it. Snacks, refills, shoulder and head massages in the evening and leg massages every night for at least 45 minutes. During this, I do dishes, laundry, cleaning and every other chore and if I slack she gets resentful. She will blow up at me. I hold my tongue. Peace is more important to me than being right.

On the rare times she goes somewhere without me, I think of all the things I want to do and get overloaded and sit in a chair and just stare.

I’ve tried to make online connections but having to explain my situation becomes a burden. I looked forward to Mondays and dreaded Friday afternoons. Now I work from home and that freedom of separation went away.

I’ve been clawing back to find myself. My hobbies... my spirituality.

I’m not in a danger to myself mindset, but I wouldn’t mind not waking up some days.

I’m just a bundle of twisted emotions. As I turn 50 this year with this “we’re just friends” situation with no kids and no emotional closeness. Divorce was never an option just because I didn’t want to be “that guy” who didn’t come through and left when the going got tough OR to have my next relationship (if there ever would be one) think I’d be someone who would quit. Although for a while I had been very much against marriage “Don’t do it, it’s a trap” or “ask these questions first” or “all women are the same!” or “maybe moving to a rural hut in China or the Northwest Territories is the best move.”

I’m someone that needs an emotional connection and the breaking of trust through insults and berating and little “tests” as I’m trying to keep her comfortable … I’m just tired. Geez I wrote all that and barely said anything. If you read this far … thank you.

If you want to know more or share your story with me, I am not too jaded to listen. It’s my ability to be stupidly optimistic that has kept me going thus far.

Ok… Love you all.

Edit: ridiculousness