Perfectionism and motherhood
I’ve always been someone who has trouble sitting down or sitting still, I don’t like it. The only time I really can is when I’m removed from my house (on vacation or a trip) when I physically cannot do chores at home. And even then sometimes I just get bored, like I cannot just sit at the beach all day.
I’m a new first time mom to a 6 month old boy. I work full time and so does my husband. I work from home a lot of the time so I have some flexibility with my schedule and can toss a load of laundry in or do dishes during the day sometimes. The second work ends, I spend the entire time from 5pm until bedtime 9/10pm running around tidying up, doing dishes, laundry, etc. like I literally on my feet doing all this stuff until baby needs to breastfeed and I am forced to sit down. Then at the end of the night during the bedtime feed, I fall asleep feeding. My body is so exhausted by the end of the day, I literally cannot keep my eyes open.
I used to wake up at 4:40am to wash my face, put on a little makeup, change my earrings, feed the cats, make coffee, do a 30-45min workout, maybe do one quick house chore, and wake baby up around 7am to leave for daycare at 8am but I was only able to do that for a month before I was too burned out. Plus he’s started waking up in the middle of the night again so I just can’t get myself to wake up that early right now. It felt amazing because I was finally making time for self care!!! But the cost was my sleep and sleep is self care too.
I don’t make time for doing things I enjoy or self-care. I have trouble justifying it since there are still more things on my to-do list. Showering often takes the back seat to other responsibilities Assad as that is to say. I have ADHD and in me it presents as starting a bunch of tasks and only finishing some of them. I’m always frazzled and scatterbrained and always think I have more time to do things then I actually do. I was this way in college, prioritizing my studies, over any form of fun or self care.
I don’t want to be this way but I feel like it’s gotten worse in motherhood because I have EVEN LESS time for me and more chores. Can anyone else relate? Is this a normal motherhood experience? Am I manic and need meds? lol literally wtf is wrong with me that I can’t say fuck it and prioritize enjoying my fucking life before I’m cold and in the ground full of regrets.
If you’ve read this far thank you, you’re a real one.