Prohibited from socializing
Anyone else who was or is absolutely restricted from anything social??
As a child who attended elementary school I wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone outside of school. I wasn’t allowed to go outside after school, I wasn’t allowed to join clubs, I wasn’t allowed to hangout with anyone (UNLESS she met the parents, liked the person, scheduled it weeks in advance, and was there to supervise.. AKA it only happened like twice in my life). I spend every day after school in my room on the computer or watching TV. I spent every summer and holiday break doing the same.
I was homeschooled after I turned 11, where things only got worse. I wasn’t allowed to go outside AT ALL unless it was to the grocery store (my mom thought that was super eventful!) until it slowed to mere deliveries and I never got to go out again. Obviously I did not make friends since I didn’t go to school or go outside. I wasn’t even allowed to be social online, but I found my ways around that (deleting and redownloading apps, hiding apps, visiting sites incognito etc). Unfortunately whatever online friends I made disappeared because they have their own lives and mine is bleak.
I didn’t get to be around my peers on a regular basis until my first job at 18! It was crystal clear how behind I was socially and mentally. I used to be so anxious I could not even say “hi,” now I can but beyond that I’m lost with having conversations. Probably because I live the same day on repeat. But any chance at improving came to a halt because my mom would come into my workplace and talk to my coworkers, making sure to humiliate me. I’m turning 20 soon. Sometimes she stands and waits for me outside of my work, or just watches from the window (I work across the street). If I’m like 5 minutes late, I’ll be flooded with texts and calls and she will come INTO my work. If she sees me interacting with coworkers or a customer, she gives me hell for it and demands to know who they are, along with a spew of threats for theirs as well as my safety. I can’t be myself or let my guard down because I know she’s around. I almost made a few friends at work, but they rightfully ran when they found out about my mom. I actually hung out a couple times with one because I pretended to work (I went inside the store, exited from the back) but they found that super odd and yeah I guess it is. My mom got super sus and unleashed more of her wrath on me for that too. I’m still not allowed to go outside besides from work lol. Still got nobody. Still just as lonely.
I’m moving out in August and never looking back. That is if she doesn’t find out where I live and latch onto me. But I feel like I’m out of time and too far gone to ever make lasting friendships or just have a social life in general. It comes so naturally to the average person but my life has been spent in a waiting room. I feel like no one on this earth understands me. I don’t even know where to find social related things either likeeee.. Clubs? I swear I must be blind but I genuinely don’t see any around when I look them up. Bars? I know if I took a sip of alcohol I’d drown alllll my sorrows in it so I’d rather do something sober. Work? Nobody here likes me because I’m quiet and have a weird relationship with my mother that prevents me from acting normal lol. College? I don’t even have high school transcripts lol. Plus tuition fees, even just community college is too much for me on my own. Might just be game over for me tbh I’ve thought about it a lot
Sorry rambled a lot! There’s so much I wanna say and no outlet for my echo chamber of thoughts.