u/weedshrek

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>Travis: Dr. Nox‘s office is sparsely decorated. Their desk is in the center of room, facing a large cabinet. The cabinet is locked.

>Justin: I'm going to, um… pull the cabinet over, so it‘s lying on the front.

>Travis: Okay… Travis: So you're gonna pull it over?

>Justin: Yeah. Pull it over.

>Travis: Okay…

>Justin: So it falls. Is lying on the door.

>Travis: Make a—oh, okay. Make a strength check.

>Justin: Not my strong suit, but uh… 16.

>Travis: Okay. Yeah, you're able to pull it over, and you're able to pull it over with enough strength that it doesn‘t just topple down. You're basically like, laying it down.

>Justin: No, I mean, I wanted it to topple over. ‗Cause if there was a motherfucker in there, I wanted to go ahead and blaze it. That was my thought

fucking crazy assumption from travis on what his player is trying to do here, weird as hell call for a roll, why was any of this left in

and with absolutely zero fanfare or excitement, we head into the ads.

>Travis: A couple announcements this week! First, I had a lot of fun making the dumb, fun intro. The music for that, I found, is by Maurice ―YoungBlaze‖ Clopton. It was perfect for what I needed. Also, a couple names in this episode. Dr. Frazier is named after Calla Frazier, CallaEve on Twitter. And Dr. Nox is named after Victoria Nox, Victoria_Nox on Twitter. So, thank you for contributing your names. And if you would like to maybe have your name for an NPC on The Adventure Zone, all you gotta do is tweet using the hash tag, TheZoneCast. Bonus points if you share links for the show!

oops, no kind and benevolent here, is someone grouchy from the feedback? weird self-congratulations on the intro. do you not have fun with any of the rest of this piece of shit? you should. someone should. or why does this exist.

and listener names are back! its been roughly half the campaign length currently since we've had one of these, and these are for two characters that don't actually appear in the campaign! no one is doing it like etc etc.

also just for fun i decided to look up nox's twitter. she abandoned it in 2023, but by searching thezonecast i can see she tweeted positively about the show about once a month since grad was announced (we love the blazing speed at which this podcast is released), with her last tweet about the adventure zone being from july of 2020 celebrating getting the petals graphic novel. the last thezonecast tweet from frazier is from 2.11.20. do you think she bailed before she heard her name? :(

anyway i also checked in on the current maxfun drive. it is 4.29.26 as i type this and they are at....6,705 of their 16,000 goal. how is your podcast network pretty good i do not think. they're not even going to be able to go out in their "intentionally" shitty sandwich boards :( another expense out of jesse thorne's pocket because you all hate women and trans people. kamala harris would be president if you had just donated. - joint statement from jesse thorne and nancy pelosi

i watched the malcom in the middle revival yesterday. its very solid. bryan cranston has only gotten better he's so fucking good in this. but it was funny and it was a delight to revisit all these characters and i'm kind of glad it doesn't overstay its welcome (it was originally a feature that got split, so its four episodes long). i think the public interest is there for a full on revival if they want it, but i know its taken them (and by them i mean bryan cranston, who has apparently been pushing for this revival for years) this long to make this because the show creator isn't interested in revisiting these characters for the sake of revisiting them, if he doesn't think there's a story worth telling, he's not going to agree to make more until there is. which i respect, but also come onnnnn we all love bryan cranston as hal. let him be hal.

back from the ads with this:

>Fitzroy: Now, fam, listen. I think we need to come up with a scenario that is gonna sort of bring the imps to us. And then, we kill all of them at once. Right? I don‘t—

>Firbolg: We could‘ve cleared out another room while this discussion took place.

>Fitzroy: I'm just saying, exterminators don‘t go looking for one bug at a time, right? They lay down a trap, and then they let the trap do the work. Let‘s do a trap! Let‘s do a proper trap!

trying to aggro every imp in this building at once is a bad idea you guys almost got tpk fighting four of them. but a trap could be viable. like you have a druid with moonbeam you make a choke point and you're gonna party. oh silly me i for one moment thought we were playing dnd, i take it back none of this applies to travis tea time

they want to know what would draw in the imps, they aren't sure what skill to roll.

>Travis: Make a check based on what you are strong at, and I will answer it in those terms.

god i've almost fallen for travis's trap (getting so brain damaged by this podcast regular things normal people do that travis sometimes stumbles into begin to look impressive). i was going to compliment him on the idea of framing the information differently based on what kind of check it is, but that's literally just baseline dming. also you can allow multiple types of skill checks to resolve an info gathering moment but you need to tell them which skills apply here and let them choose, do not say "just pick the one you're best at" that's terrible

>Travis: Um, so with an arcana check, um, and a 14, you know that, uh, imps are like, demonic constructs. They don‘t really hunger for things. They're not creatures. They don‘t feed. They are built to serve, y'know, some kind of demonic lord, or uh, in those terms, but they're not really like, creatures with, um, hungers or desires in that way.

this is also not framing it through the specific skill. like what would he have said differently here for a nature check? once again, this should have been delivered when they were trying to interrogate the imp. if fitz knows this information, then he looks tremendously stupid for not recalling that when trying to intimidate an imp. i will acknowledge it here once that dnd makes a concrete split between the term devil and demon, with them serving law and chaos respectively. it is actually like perfect for the theme travis wants to make his show about but i can't really ding him for not adhering to dnd lore when he's doing a homebrew setting. but yes, i did note that he says a demonic lord and not a devil here.

the fact that they do serve the bidding of a lower power could be interesting, it means that they are not here just doing random destruction, their actions are specific and geared at accomplishing something. or would if travis mcelroy had ever grasped a narrative before. i won't hold my breath for this payoff.

>Griffin: I cast Disguise Self on myself. This is a new spell. And it‘s a level one spell, so I do need to roll to see if… ooh.

>Argo: Where—where are you gettin‘ all these spells?!

>Griffin: From leveling up as a sorcerer. Uh, I—

>Travis: I think that was in character, not…

>Griffin: Oh, right.

>Travis: Not Dad being confused.

in the interest of fair and even coverage, i have to include this moment where travis actually stands up for his dad.

griffin casts disguise self to appear as some sort of demonic overseer and acts like he caught the trespassers and summons all the imps to see. clint wants to help sell the bit with a deception roll, and travis decides he will allow that if the firbolg also makes a roll. so they back off the plan because the firbolg won't lie. sorry, did i say won't?

>Justin: Not ‗doesn‘t want to do,‘ my friend. Like…

>Clint: He has no deception.

>Justin: Incapable. [laughs] Will not be able to. I am just standing perfectly still, in the most neutral position possible.

i won't put this completely on justin because i've pulled what is almost definitely the wiki page he read as "research" (aka the first result on google for firbolg) and it states: They were extremely honest and could not lie without feeling physical discomfort, even if the lie was by omission.

and like, i think you could read this as they have such a strong cultural aversion to deception that they experience a physical reaction, kind of like those people who are so racist they give themselves msg allergies. but of course, justin reads it as them being somehow biologically incapable of deceit, probably because he got bored and stopped reading halfway through the sentence.

what ensues is an honestly pretty funny bit. i mean, its a classic player has to continue to lie and keeps just saying shit style bit, but that's a classic for a reason. but it should really be noted this exists because travis once again is just saying no. this is off a 22 deception btw

they finally come close enough so griffin casts thunderwave. like it seems to me that if you had just taken a second to talk to your party instead of just doing a plan with no input from anyone else (mcelroy special) then you could have come to the conclusion that justin also has an AOE spell that can actually be targeted so that the rest of the party doesn't take damage. oh who am i kidding justin doesn't know what spells he has.

anyways bad news, travis remembered that imps get advantage on magic saves. too bad he forgot that they also are resistant to any physical attacks that aren't silvered. not that it super matters, because travis did let griffin get a +1 enchanted maul for basically free.

travis sounds so bored lmao

>Travis: Okay, well, he only had four points of life left, so um… you skewer him in such that his grandfather feels it. Like, way off in the distance. His imp granddaddy feels it and is like, ―Ooh, my arthritis is acting up!‖ But actually, it‘s how hard you have just skewered his grandson. And he melts into black ichor.

i think travis would have made a great pua because even though this is just wholly complimentary description, something about the way he says "well he only had four hit points of life left" makes it sound like clint did something wrong for using his completely resource-less ability sneak attack

griffin gets a nat20 on firebolt and travis decides he would rather do another riff on his already not funny "overkill" description, instead of checking the statblock and seeing imps are immune to fire

>Griffin: Um, I'm going to try and detect, like… conjuration magic, I think, right? ‗Cause imps are sort of conjured constructs. So… either that, or transmutation, because they're like, changing forms. But I feel like it‘s one in the same.

why is griffin addicted to nerfing himself? you don't have to specify which school of magic you are detecting. you just see if there's magic.

>Argo: Ahh. Aww, thank you, my friend! I feel great! Can you do that for yourself?

>Firbolg: I could. But in public, is embarrassing.

>Argo: Oh. Public healing?

>Firbolg: This is—this is a joke. Self-healing is permissible and beautiful.

justin: firbolgs are biologically incapable of any form of lie

https://preview.redd.it/qa35qr2wddyg1.png?width=658&format=png&auto=webp&s=00e7cca5df64567ffd240ac8cbdb97dd1d5afb8e

justin: UNLESS I HAVE A BIT

i think i kind of just figured out why its so exhausting to listen to these guys now. they will, every time, choose a bit over consistent character work or world building. and that wouldn't really be a problem except they keep trying to present themselves as serious storytellers. its also an issue because at this point every other actual play that wants to be funny is skilled enough to make jokes that are in character and don't contradict established traits or features of the world. like i skipped a bunch, but even in the "you stab him so hard his grandpa felt it" with the imp that's a joke that doesn't make sense in-universe because you established imps are constructed, he doesn't have a grandpa.

>Fitzroy: Um, I got a little bit of poison… on a cut. But I think it‘s nothin‘ a good nap won't fix.

>Firbolg: Yes. I would love to help you. Let me just try to remember if you shocked me with lightning recently.

you ever get just little flashes of what could have been?

i....i guess in justin's "defense" he has only ever played casters, but him learning in real time that clint adds his dex modifier because he's using a dex based weapon is....

anyway. despite the 22 to draw out all the imps on this floor, griffin only managed to draw out about a third of the imps, because travis narrates six more birds bursting out of one of the rooms they hadn't checked, but they all flee upstairs, giving free OAs. travis still hasn't realized imps are resistant to physical dmg btw

>Travis: So, at this point, you have cleared out the main entryway. Admin one, admin two. Dr. Nox‘s office, exam room one, exam room three, um, and you… get, uh… there‘s some more conjuration magic from Dr. Frazier‘s office, and you didn‘t get any from exam room two, and you got some healing magic from Dr. Nox‘s office. And that‘s all of floor one. So, you can surmise that, most likely, the only room still containing any imps on the first floor is Dr. Frazier‘s office.

yeah a big problem with "hunt and destroy" mission objectives, and also probably the very reason travis decided to do one, is that you need to 100% the map. so here we go, despite multiple instances of loud combat happening in the lobby, there are still more imps waiting patiently in an adjoining room for you to discover them. yippee.

>Travis: Now, when you open the door to Dr. Frazier‘s office, unlike Dr. Nox‘s office, you would guess that, at some point in the past, you would‘ve described this room as lavishly decorated. But now, you're more likely to say ‗completely wrecked.‘ The painting of Dr. Frazier that hangs behind her desk has been drawn on; at least, you assume that the charcoal horns, glasses, and buck teeth were not originally part of the artist‘s vision.

>Various statues and potted plants have been smashed on the ground, and three imps are sleeping amongst the wreckage. Now, you get an opportunity attack, but I will tell all of you, because I am a kind and benevolent DM… if you try to sneak up to them, you are going to have to make a stealth roll, and it‘s going to be with disadvantage, because of all the broken pottery and stuff on the ground.

another classic travis description. "you'd call it lavishly decorated" you know. just imagine what you think lavish means, and its that. lazy asshole. and here he goes again with his stupid dm shtick. why would you say that up front? why would you give that away?

>Justin: I cast Moonbeam on them, in a cylinder that will catch all of them in this cylinder. They need to roll a constitution saving throw.

>Travis: Okay. Uh… okay, that one‘s got a fail. That one‘s gonna fail. That one succeeds. So, one of them succeeds, and the other two fail.

time to play along at home, chat. do you think

a. travis asked for what the DC for this con save should be and then edited it out

b. travis knows justin's spellcasting DC off the top of his head and managed to fail two of three rolls while rolling with advantage or

c. travis did not roll anything and is just arbitrarily turning this from a 3 imp fight to a 1 imp fight because he's very scared of attacking his players again because he's bad at combat balance

there has not been a single attack made by an enemy since the first encounter btw

>Travis: Well, but they are shape changers, which means, in that case, all three of them would‘ve failed. Um, because the advantage and disadvantage would‘ve cancelled out. And so, they all three get hit by 11 damage, and they are all three blasted into puddles of black ichor.

well the narrative they're sticking to is that travis rolled all three with advantage initially, failed two, and then after learning it would be 11 damage for failed saves and that shapechangers have disadvantage, they wipe this encounter before anyone can even roll an initiative. good thing those imps are such heavy sleepers. really lucky that magical demonic constructs that don't need to eat or have any desires do love a nap.

>Travis: Now, listen, I have to ask you. Only because our listeners at home are gonna ask. You're not even gonna go check out the healing stuff?

yeah i'm fucking sure travis. the listeners at home.

i was imagining like a filing cabinet because all travis says is its a cabinet, fucking master of description. it is instead i guess more like an armoire, its filled with medicinal herbs and stuff. now i'm just a poor country recapper who happens to work in a medicine adjacent field, but usually storage cabinets have glass so you can see what's inside

>Travis: Yeah! You get that back off without any additional damage to what‘s inside. Now, a lot of it is broken, mind you. But you find, um, one healing potion still intact, which is a 1d10 healing potion. Um, and you also see various, uh, different, like, ingredients and components for, uh, medicine. Y'know, herbs. Salves.

>Griffin: Nice, dude.

>Travis: There‘s some, uh, y'know, metals. That kind of thing.

>Griffin: Okay.

>Travis: Some flakes of stuff. And you also find… uh, well, a lot of the vials are broken. But you do find one potion of poison resistance.

one, how is he like so incapable of shutting up, twice griffin thinks he's done and then he just keeps on blathering. and two, boooo fucking coward if your players fuck up the cabinet you should destroy the shit in the cabinet. i know there was only ever a health potion and a poison resistance potion in there and you gave them both

LMAO my podcatcher fucking seized and self deleted the episode off my phone before i could finish, oh well those last two minutes are lost to time sorry byeeeeeeee

https://preview.redd.it/dsb7ldkh7dyg1.png?width=937&format=png&auto=webp&s=4c95a47878d08f915277fcc71703f190169c302b

episode 7

fuck my cringe stupid baka life i had to take a week off recapping and now i'm out of buffer i literally finished recapping this episode yesterday

its recap time babyyyyyy and we're here: episode 8, the legendary Mission: Imp Hospital

this was published on 2.20.20, which is significant because i would rate travis 20 spots behind his brothers

episode description:

It's the semester break and the Thundermen are getting paid to do a little exterminating. Birds and rats and imps, OH MY!

and in an act of serendipity, this episode appears to open up the maxfun drive of 2020, and i am recapping it as the maxfun drive gears up in 2026. wow, shifted down two months huh?

in lieu of a previously on to remind the listeners of all the cool and exciting things that didn't happen last episode or ever, we get a fake trailer for this mission. it sounds like the deep voiced announcer pastiche is being done by justin, because travis has no range.

so a couple of things here:

the fake trailer is about as funny as any parody trailer that employs the deep voice announcer. which is to say. not very.

none of the stuff in this trailer is a callback to the actual campaign or this mission. he seems to be trying to do a bit of a classic Bond thing, which is confusing, because that's not what the title is parodying.

whatever the fuck this is:

>Announcer: And fate is in the hands of an unseen, but still incredibly handsome, higher power…

the trailer music is ass

also whatever the fuck this is:

>Announcer: This February, thank Travis for Travis Studios, in conjunction with Thunderman LLC, presents…

he then, despite poorly employing folley at every other opportunity in this campaign, makes the creative choice to create the explosion sounds with his mouth instead of finding an explosion effect. i genuinely cannot tell if this is supposed to be some sort of gag. i sort of feel like its one of those classic schrodinger's gag, where its actually very serious and cool, unless you think its stupid in which case actually it was a joke the whole time its intentionally bad you idiot.

>Travis: My boys… oh, my boys. So excited for this episode. This is our, uh, semester break episode. And it‘s gonna be some D&D-ass D&D.

we the recapper with future knowledge know this is going to be the one and only dungeon he actually runs in this campaign, i cannot wait to see how this plays out

this is the most energy any of them have had since episode 1, i actually have not put it on 1.5x speed yet because they're talking at a regular pace instead of sounding like they're on the verge of falling asleep

>Travis: Okay. So, first thing‘s first, though. Let‘s get some D&D mechanics out of the way! It‘s level up time!

god DAMMIT

griffin chooses to multiclass this episode into wild magic sorc, which i guess is fine but feels sort of overlap-y to me. i guess its for the hashtag narrative.

oh the reason griffin is so amped is because he's picked a class that has an associated random roll table. that boy loves a random roll table i tell you hwhat

oh also they are leveling from 3 to 4 now, despite getting double levels for....going to class off screen earlier.

justin says he got "a couple of dexterity points" which is odd both in the sense that he acts like its stupid, but brother, you chose to take the attribute increase over a feat. its also weird because why are you dumping points into your dex as a caster.

>Griffin: Y'know what, you get a lot more fun stuff at five. I wish Travis had let us go to five.

>Justin: Well, we‘re at four.

>Griffin: Yeah.

>Travis: Well, I tried to go to five, but I don‘t want you guys to be all powerful, big, meaty tanks.

is travis stupid.

clint takes points in INT because he's identified that its a stat none of them have good modifiers in. its a bad move but its a good motivation for it.

>Travis: Oh god. No, none of that. So! Word got around that you all didn‘t have plans for the break. So, when school counselor, Tomas, found out that the mayor of Last Hope was looking for some intrepid and expendable adventurers for a mission, he recommended you.

>Last Hope has been building a brand new, state of the art hospital. However, shortly before the grand opening, it was overrun by imps. No one is quite sure where they came from, but they all arrived overnight. The workers are, by Heroic Oversight Guild guidelines, not permitted to perform tasks like monster raids. However, there are no licensed heroes or villains in the vicinity.

>You three have received special dispensation to work as contractors associated with the school. Your job is simple. Get in there and clean them out so construction can get back on schedule. In return, you will each earn 100 gold that you get to keep. So, welcome to Mission: Imp Hospital.

i truly don't usually engage with media where i feel compelled to go line by line to point out all the ways everything that was just said is bullshit, but call that the travis special

So! Word got around that you all didn‘t have plans for the break.

w....hat are you talking about.

So, when school counselor, Tomas, found out that the mayor of Last Hope was looking for some intrepid and expendable adventurers for a mission, he recommended you.

i'm sorry but the closer you look at travis's works, the more it is incredibly apparent that he's, at best "socially liberal and fiscally conservative" but definitely smells libertarian. there's absolutely no reason why this would be a government contract, why is it going through the mayor. well, once again with future sight, we know the "point" of this campaign is that the current system is bad and filled with bureaucracy. so of course big government is responsible for hiring contract work instead of the hard working intellectual capitalist. I'll give him, "intrepid and expendable" is low hanging but its the kind of joke that always tickles me. this also isn't freelance work if the school is the one brokering the contract. that's just regular work for them then.

The workers are, by Heroic Oversight Guild guidelines, not permitted to perform tasks like monster raids. However, there are no licensed heroes or villains in the vicinity.

WHAT**.** why would construction workers be beholden to the policies of the WWE. I guess this sort of answers my earlier question of "is this the only form of entertainment in the world because its so wildly entertaining no one wants to see anything else, or does the government shut down other forms of entertainment". this is actually an interesting conundrum for me. because this is actually good world building, when we keep in mind ultimately the point is that everything is over-bureaucratized and the HOG is evil or whatever. like it makes sense that this organization is making life harder due to arbitrary rulings that seem more about protecting their monopoly than getting things done. but i know travis didn't think of any of that. i know this is, at best, wild flailing that accidentally hit the mark. but he is also so goddamn stupid because the next sentence implies that not a single teacher at this school has a valid accreditation, despite the fact that very early on he made sure to note that former performers who lose their license are called evil. its also like, THE PLAYERS ARE ALSO NOT LICENSED, IF THAT IS THE ISSUE THEN THEY ARE STILL BREAKING HOG REGULATION AND ITS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THEY DON'T DO THAT BECAUSE THEY'RE ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET LICENSED BY THE HOG. i don't know if i ever said this, but one time i did run a short campaign where i tried to make his stupid premise work, and i did it by changing it from heroes and villains to being basically a twitch streamer academy, so you'd do all the normal sort of adventuring dungeons, but you're actually entertaining the masses because they're watching you from home on their crystal balls or whatever.

You three have received special dispensation to work as contractors associated with the school.

oh ok so the over-bureaucratized system can get special dispensation pushed out in a day for this one. ok sure.

In return, you will each earn 100 gold that you get to keep.

this exact same mission, but in a mine, cost 1500 gold btw. and you'd think an emergency task that requires special dispensation from the top management would cost more to complete. i've helped manage some service contracts in the actual real world for large businesses, and if everything goes smoothly and you have an MSA in place, its still probably taking a couple days (and this is with, you know, instant communication via email, something the people of nua do not have, these contracts would have to be manually couriered). if you're dealing with a special case that needs high level approval, you're likely looking at getting Legal involved, and once Legal is involved reviewing a contract, your time to complete is going to triple, easily. and that's if there's nothing wrong with the first draft of the contract. not to mention this is now a GOVERNMENT contract which usually has extra security and vetting surrounding clearance. spring break would be fucking over before these clowns are cleared to work.

>Travis: And in case you all were wondering, the title came first.

>Griffin: Right, I'm sure it did.

>Justin: Yeah. This is unsurprising.

>Griffin: And then, that the things we buy with the 100 gold aren't, then, sort of taken away from us… by…

>Travis: As this is not a school mission, you are independent contractors at this point, working under the license of the school, you get to keep it. Your own—

>Griffin: Well, it‘s a co-branded effort with Thunderman Incorporated. Travis: Yes. Thunderman, in conjunction with Hieronymous Wiggenstaff‘s School for Heroism and Villainy…

>Griffin: … presents, a Thunderman LLC joint…

>Travis: Mission: Imp Hospital.

>Griffin: Mission: Imp Hospital.

genuinely you've fucked up so badly if your player ever says this to you. also the thing travis is describing is a subcontractor. he's so goddamn stupid. also i'm including how griffin basically came up with the bit that he rips off to turn into the intro but then also keeps this bit where he thinks of it in the recording.

>Travis: Now, as you approach the front of the new hospital, you see that the handles of the double doors have been chained to prevent any hapless passerby from entering and being attacked. Now, luckily, you have been given a skeleton key to unlock the chain and any doors that you encounter in the hospital. And on either side of the doors are beautiful, stained glass windows.

https://preview.redd.it/ir97peq89dyg1.png?width=500&format=png&auto=webp&s=f406bb949eef3394696d7995ea2117fac1c7ffa5

MASTER KEY. YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A MASTER KEY. BUT ALSO WHY WOULD A HOSPITAL MASTER KEY WORK ON THE CHAIN AROUND THE DOORS. WHY WOULD ANY OF THE DOORS BE LOCKED IN AN ACTIVE CONSTRUCTION JOB. WHY WOULD YOU GIVE THEM A KEY IF THEY HAVE A ROGUE IN THEIR PARTY.

zero description of what the stained glass actually portrays lol. again a very easy spot to add texture, give some insight into the cosmology of the world with what kind of gods do the healers venerate. what are the symbols associated with medicine. i mean in real actual life we associate a twin-headed snake staff with medicine this shit is cool. but that would require actually having a cosmology or caring about any of the bullshit that comes out of his own mouth.

whew, travis just mentioned he emailed them all maps of the hospital, and i know at one point those were publicly available, so i was going to try and find them and insert them here, but i just caught that the first stretch goal from the mcelroys for mfd is set at 3,000 new subs and involves travis recapping yellowstone season 2. how is your podcast network jesse thorne pretty good it doesn't seem.

ok found the map

https://preview.redd.it/svsx8psb9dyg1.png?width=1720&format=png&auto=webp&s=58f15f7e9b2ab49dc77d68c451d29dc43076e79f

travis says its two floors but this appears to be the only map they released.

sidebar, while looking for this i also found the mcelroys have a list of game systems they've played on taz, and they attribute a bunch of systems, like FATE, motw, and bitd, to the publishing company instead of the individual creators. its probably fine but i'd be annoyed if i created a system and then credit went to my publisher. you like fantasy? try reading eye of the world, by TOR books.

>Griffin: I think it might make sense for us to… I don't know if this is Griffin saying this or Fitzroy saying this. I think it would make sense for us to like, lock it from the inside, just so, like—they went to some length to keep these things in here. It makes sense to me for us to also keep them in here while we do our nasty stuff to them.

griffin brings up a great point in that, in an analogous real life situation, you'd be dealing with some form of pest infestation. those, you are not worried about containing, because the whole point is you need them to exit the premise. but here, presumably imps pose a physical threat to people, so you would need to not only clear them out so that work can proceed, but also prevent them from entering town (hey where is this hospital in relation to the rest of last hope?) and causing more havoc. except that travis narrated two big stained glass windows right at the front, because obviously the point of the chain is the keep people from entering and fucking with the imps and getting themselves killed, not containing the imps. is griffin stupid. a better, more bisexual dm, would have also considered this and come up with a reason why the imps are happy to just squat in this building instead of terrorizing the town. here, i'll do something right now, off the top of my head: imps travel to the material plane to breed. they find an empty area near civilization and begin to build a massive nest. once the nest is completed, they swarm the nearby town, in what might politely be called a "blood orgy" as part of their infernal mating ritual to bring more desecrated souls into the infernal plane, thus reproducing.

>Travis: As you make your way in, you find yourself in a vestibule lined with benches. Light from the stained glass windows illuminates the white, marble floors. Beyond that, there‘s little visibility for those with normal vision. You hear the occasional skitter of claws on tile, and flap of wings, but you cannot easily identify the source.

just absolutely sauceless prose. like, its adequate, and i wouldn't blink twice if this had been impromptu, but this is a pre-written prepared statement, and you couldn't add an ounce of atmosphere?

The hospital doors swing silently open at the gentlest push. You find yourself in an airy vestibule lined with a dozen simple oak benches painted white. Light floods through the stained glass windows behind you, playing a kaleidoscope of color across the white marble floor. You can easily imagine how this could be an open, welcoming space in a different context. However, empty and silent as it is, with the air thick with dust, it instead feels forlorn, and a little sinister. The light from the windows does not reach much further into the hospital, and the gloom gathers beyond like a waiting predator. There is the occasional skitter of claws, and the flap of wings, but the acoustics of the space make it impossible to pinpoint the source.

>Griffin: Did we get any sort of briefing on like, where these imps came from, or where these imps could have possibly come from?

>Travis: Um, well, that is a good question. Why don‘t you roll an insight check?

>Griffin: Uh, I got a 19… plus zero!

>Travis: Firbolg, did you share the information about the demons in the forest with your compatriots?

>Justin: Sorry, what information was that?

>Travis: You received the information from Breeze Through the Willows, that there were demons in the forest.

>Justin: Yeah! I definitely—there‘s not a lot to discuss around this place. I definitely would have. We've had a lot of free time.

>Travis: Okay. So uh, Fitzroy, you, uh, use your insight to deduce that, probably, it has something to do with that. Last Hope is, y'know, not too far from the forest. The Unknown Forest, you can see some, y'know, little demon fiend-like creatures making their way here. And, as this building was sitting, uh, unused and open, it would be pretty easy for them to squat here and kind of make a little nest.

playing all the hits in this exchange. griffin cannot remember what travis said literally eight minutes ago that no one knows why or how the imps got here. i actually like what travis does here, which is instead of just repeating his mission briefing text, he takes a roll to provide further information based on connecting contextual info they already have (i'll get to the actual info in a minute, which was bad). but then justin knocks it out of the park by fully forgetting about the demons in the forest, and then passive aggressively saying "yeah i shared that, there's nothing else going on we have a ton of free time"

Last Hope is, y'know, not too far from the forest.

WHY DOES THIS TOWN EXIST

The Unknown Forest, you can see some, y'know, little demon fiend-like creatures making their way here.

YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED THE FOREST AS THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON EARTH. YOU HAVE A BARTENDER THAT IS ACTIVELY HOSTILE TO THE SCHOOL BECAUSE SHE THINKS ITS SHADY THEY SET UP IN SUCH CLOSE PROXIMITY TO SUCH A DANGEROUS PLACE. NOW YOU ARE SAYING THIS TOWN IS ALSO CLOSE ENOUGH THAT CREATURES JUST SOMETIMES WANDER OUT OF IT AND ATTACK. FOR THAT MATTER, ISN'T THE FIRBOLG FROM THIS FOREST? WHAT OTHER FOREST COULD HE WALK THROUGH CONTINUOUSLY FOR 13 DAYS AND ONLY COME ACROSS THE SCHOOL AND NOTHING ELSE? IF THIS DEMONIC PRESENCE IN THE FOREST IS NOW, SHOULDN'T HE BE CONCERNED? I AM NOT GOING TO GET INTO THE COLONIAL STENCH "MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON EARTH" THAT APPEARS TO BE FULL OF SENTIENT CIVILIZATIONS LIKE THE PEGASUS AND THE FIRBOLG HAS.

And, as this building was sitting, uh, unused and open, it would be pretty easy for them to squat here and kind of make a little nest.

so like, what, a full horde of imps moved in during the 6 hours the construction crew was not on site? is the building done? why was it open and empty then? they put a chain lock on it only AFTER imps moved in, despite the town bordering the unknown forest (well, technically it borders the regular forest that borders the unknown forest because travis is an idiot) "the name came first" yeah no fucking shit dude we can all tell.

>Fitzroy: Let‘s keep it frosty. Let‘s stay in… our… what we've practiced. You remember? In our formations? This will be, um… this will be stealth lion… alpha. Do you all remember, from the playbook?

fitzroy really was just a dry run for navy seal huh

>Argo: Has that been you that whole time, playin‘ the little tricks with Argo‘s mustache? You're not the disappearing cat, right?

>Firbolg: This that you say is racist.

hey while this sub may have given you a pass for the f-slur i am definitely revoking your ability to make this joke while you play the most racist character in the adventure zone

>Travis: Okay. With your shades of gray vision, and the Firbolg‘s now cat- like eyes, um, you see up in the rafters, um… you see some, uh, bird shapes to you, Fitzroy, and… to you, Firbolg, birds. Um, you also see, in the shadowy corners, some furry movement, which you assume to be some kind of like, rats.

>Fitzroy: This is a very dirty hospital.

ok chat, what is the joke here, regarding fitzroy and firbolg's perceptions.

griffin also brings up a great point about how dirty this hospital (which i guess has exposed rafters something you should maybe have mentioned) is. and like i don't know a ton about the medical standards of medieval europe (someone should make some sort of podcast that covers medical history), but while germ theory is like another 400 years off, i sort of suspect they were aware that rats are not good things for your health. this is all beside the point, because we are not in medieval europe we are in a fantasy world where travis has provided a map that is laid out like a modern clinic with admin offices so you can understand why its jarring to suddenly be told there are rafters covered in rats

>Travis: As you move into the main chamber of the first floor, you are facing the semi-circular reception desk. Directly behind the desk is a large stairway, leading to the second floor. In the four corners of the room, you see sets of chairs, as well as tables covered with magazines. You imagine that these magazines must be as new as the building, but they have clearly been clawed at and chewed on.

>Along the walls are doors. A quick check of the blueprints you were given to serve as a map shows you that these doors lead to admin offices, doctors‘ personal offices, and exam rooms. The skittering and flapping noises grow increasingly louder from the rats and the birds.

see this is what i mean, a curved reception desk is like the most modern thing you could place in a space, and it creates specific expectations on what this place looks like, but then he throws in all this incongruous stuff, but in piecemeal, so instead of like, potentially a cool aesthetic that blends modern aesthetics with medieval building techniques or something all you get is a really disjointed image because your brain has to keep rewriting what the space looks like because new out of place details keep getting added in.

and what do you MEAN there are magazines on the tables. you can't actually be this stupid, can you? at the point you are laying out magazines, the construction crew has closed the job and the building is open for business. magazines are like the last thing you're going to be placing in a space what the fuck. and yeah, i guess the fucking imp infested hospital is also full of rats and birds the imps i guess do not kill and eat, because of course the rustling is from animals and not the imps that are infesting this hospital i hate you i hate you i hate you

ah ok the birds are actually imps, i think, because one just attacked argo for way too much damage for a bird and also its dealing poison (i scrolled through like two more pages of the transcript and travis doesn't actually say "its an imp in disguise" in those two pages but). so when travis said fitzroy saw "bird shapes" that was, i guess, in response to his 14 perception. and firbolg saw birds because travis didn't ask for a perception roll from justin. maybe travis will badly explain this later but it seems to me either the imps are disguised as birds the whole time, in which case the mayor probably should have mentioned that to the party, or else the imps only disguised themselves after they drove the townspeople away, which will then need a justification for that action. i can't wait to see which way he fumbles this.

the "bird" "rolls" a 20 to hit argo for 6 poison damage. i just looked up the imp stat block and it does say that this is the imp's sting, but it should count as a bite attack if it is polymorphed into a raven or rat. generally i do not think birds are known for biting, but this is on the designers of 5e not travis so i will let it slide.

>Travis: Yes. Um, now, also, you're lucky that it‘s you, Argo, because you feel, um, something. Some kind of liquid. Probably poison. Uh, y'know, on the bite from the bird on the attack. But… because you are Water Genasi, you have a natural, uh, immunity to poisons.

>Griffin: Um…

>Clint: Actually… to acid.

>Travis: Oh, whoops. Okay, yeah. You take some poison damage.

extremely funny exchange, i love almost giving travis points for knowing his party's traits, but then i gotta snatch them back because you fucked it big dawg.

transcript writes "hoo boisie" as "hoo boysie"

ah, the imp does an additional 7 poison damage. notably, travis does not call for the required CON save to half the poison damage.

hmmmm, griffin wants to catch the "bird" with mage hand, which, i guess isn't technically outside of the abilities of mage hand. there's no set weight to a tiny-sized creature, and it's polymorphed, not illusioned, so, you know, a bird weighs less than 10 lbs. he arbitrates this as a contested strength check, which is fine. what's less fine is that he just launched a surprise round on his players and is allowing this before calling for the initiative roll

>Travis: Oh! You win, because this thing is not very strong. So it‘s a 12 versus your 16, so you're able to grab it. And it‘s attempting to peck at the Mage Hand, but of course, to no avail.

>Now, as this happens, you see the other bird start flying around the room, as well as the two rats come out of their hiding places and start to approach you.

ok well specifically two birds and two rats is a lot more suspicious than some birds and rats.

>Travis: Now, here‘s the question I have for you fellows. Um, there‘s going to be lots of little battles throughout this building. There‘s lots of rooms. Would you rather roll initiative every time—

>Griffin: No.

>Travis: Or just keep the same initiative throughout?

in the twenty four weeks travis spent consulting with professional DMs and planning, he apparently not once asked any of them how to run a dungeon. yeah dude, keep the same initiative, what are you talking about.

order is Argo (19), Fitz (16), and Bolg (6)

I don't have their character sheets, I'm not good enough to just know what their average health pools would be at level 4, but clint just said that first attack of 13 dropped him to half, which makes the fact that this is supposed to be a multi-room dungeon pretty concerning. or would if i didn't know who was in charge here.

ichor is pronounced eye-kor, huh. i think i knew this but i still prefer ih-kor and that's my cross to bear.

>Fitzroy: Firbolg, I'm sorry about [killing a bird in front of you].

>Firbolg: Mm. Mm, this is… this is life.

>Fitzroy: It is? [laughs]

>Firbolg: This is how things happen. It was no harm meant.

>Fitzroy: It wa—I meant it tremendous harm!

>Firbolg: Hmm.

this is the second time this type of exchange has happened, where griffin makes an assumption about how the firbolg would feel about something based on how justin has portrayed their values so far, and both times justin has gone "nuh-uh" because he is, at his core, related to travis. i think he gets instinctively bristly whenever someone tries to establish anything about his character. maybe some leftover ptsd from what griffin did to taako again and again

earlier, when justin wildshaped into a cat, griffin made a reference (well, less of a reference and more just saying the title of the movie) the 2013 indie production A Talking Cat!?! which features the use of an MS paint circle superimposed over an actual cat's mouth that opens and closes to show he is talking. travis then does this exact same thing ten minutes later and its not funny here either.

travis finally remembers that poison involves CON saves and is retroactively asking clint for a save and giving him back health when he passes. that's fine. glad he caught and fixed that mistake.

>Travis: Okay. So uh, Argo, gain back half of those seven. So gain back three hit points. And Firbolg, you're going to take half damage. Uh, so you're going to take four poison damage. Would've been—

>Justin: That‘s not too bad.

>Travis: Would‘ve been eight if you hadn‘t saved, so…

i don't know why he needed to certify that two times as much as four is eight.

>Travis: Good job. Um, and the other imp is going to now swing his poisonous scorpion tail at Fitzroy.

the entire fight (and i'm assuming the rest of this, three part? how long does this fucking dungeon go) is roughly at this level of description. also since they aren't doing battlemaps and they don't have figs, like god please describe the creatures what the fuck. like, i know that imps have scorpion tails, because i've fought imps before in dnd and have seen digital tokens for them. but like "the rats transform back into imps" has prior to this point been the entire description given here. this is what i meant earlier with the hospital setting too. you get one image in your mind and then it gets disrupted because travis introduces a really big feature later on that you weren't aware of.

>Justin: It—I should've come up with some sort of bullshit fantasy cat, in hindsight. [laughing] But I didn‘t know that I'd ever seen one of those. And I can only have a challenge rating of one or two. So yeah, so basically, I'm just gonna—just gonna stand there and become a regular guy again. Just a regular Firbolg.

>Travis: … Okay. Anything else? You can move.

>Justin: I can—move—I mean, move away… [laughs] … from the stuff, I guess! I—no! I mean, I don't know where I—where it would be advantageous for me to move! No, I just stand there and change into a Firbolg!

dismissing wildshape is a bonus action travis.

>Travis: You are changing from a cat to a Firbolg, and you want to do it in an intimidating way. Make an intimidation check.

kind and benevolent DM won't know the rules and will absolutely kneecap you as a result, but hey, he's going to let you try to roll an intimidation.

ok there was a lot of joking here but i think justin was being sincere when he said he wanted to move out of danger and near to fitz, except there is an imp in front of him, he should have taken an OA

clint has once again flipped attack roll and damage roll in his brain (again, i think demarking your hit chance as attack roll is bad verbiage, made worse by how video game RPGs have solidified around the terminology of HIT), but both travis and griffin do not notice at all so clint has actually gotten a much stronger weapon than he had originally, which is probably fair considering it was priced similarly to the charisma cloak.

>Travis: Yeah, you slice him clean in twain.

>Clint: Woo! Aha!

>Travis: And he melts into black ichor.

fucking gripping combat narration.

for some reason the last imp hasn't changed from being a bird yet, and i sort of suspect its because travis isn't aware that imps have wing and can fly in their natural form

>Justin: Um, how does it work? How does it—it‘s a melee attack. Okay, melee attack. See, I'm no—I've never had to make melee attacks.

justin there have only been like three combat encounters in this campaign and you have cast shillelagh in every single one

>Travis: This is why we‘re practicing. This is why we‘re having this D&D-ass D&D adventure.

https://preview.redd.it/4gd4dz92bdyg1.png?width=665&format=png&auto=webp&s=de76ddf97bb2de113974d2da97a3c07c19e0bc6c

>Travis: Now, damage. Well, I'm not gonna make you roll damage, ‗cause he only has one hit point left. So you strike him! The thorns dig deep into his body! As the black ichor oozes from his wounds, he collapses to the ground!

well that's something at least. he seems really fixated on the idea they bleed black ichor though, he has specifically, and usually only, mentioned this one descriptor for every single imp death. magmin have their lava stop flowing, imps gush black ichor, this dm shit is easy.

hey can someone remind me why the HOG would bar others from doing this kind of work? you know, the rote work of pest control at a place no one is around and can't be entertained by?

>Travis: Well, so, the admin office that, uh, Argo had been set to explore, when you open the door, contains two small desks. And you guess that this one, administration office one, housed patient records, as the walls are lined with storage containers, all of which have been pulled open and their contents scattered to the wind.

>Above the desks are magical lanterns hanging from chains. On one of the chains is swinging an imp, who is completely surprised at your approach, so you guys are gonna get a round of surprise attacks on him.

i went back to double check the mission brief because travis loves to lie, this infestation happened overnight the night before the hospital was set to open. is there like, another hospital in town that is moving in? whose medical records are these? if you have sensitive information here already, shouldn't you have some sort of security? why were the doors not locked at least????

also i'm so curious to see if any of the other encounters have four imps and he's legitimately planned this place to have random numbers of imps in each room, or if he's panicking about how close they came to getting wiped in his first encounter so he's cut the numbers in every other room and will be doing shit like giving them surprise rounds on single 10hp enemies like they're doing right now.

also what the fuck is this thing with magic lanterns? he had this in the mines too, does he just want electricity but fantasy? like why couldn't this be a regular lantern?

fuck yeah dude fitz captured this imp which has allowed travis to do everyone's favorite bit, vaguely growling at everything griffin says like its snippers because no one speaks infernal

>Griffin: I look at the demon.

>Fitzroy: We… are gonna make a smash… on you.

>Justin: [laughing]

>Fitzroy: Until dead.

>Imp: Fuck you.

>Fitzroy: Wait, okay, see, that‘s what I thought! I thought maybe if I insulted your—so, hey, bud? Where‘d you come from, little fella? Firbolg: I—how can we translate this series of sounds from the imp into our tongue? Fuck… you.

>Imp: I came from up your butt.

>Clint: Actually—actually…

>Imp: [laughs]

>Clint: Argo has Actor, where you gain plus one charisma. You have advantage on deception or performance checks when trying to pass yourself off as a different person, and… you can mimic the speech of another person, or the sounds made by other creatures that you have been listening to, for at least one minute.

>Griffin: Okay. Just as a devil‘s advocate…

>Imp: [growly imp sounds]

>Griffin: It‘s like, I'm thinking of… let‘s just say… um… Martin Sheen uses his acting skills to pretend to be another character. ‗Cause that‘s what acting is. I don‘t think he can use his acting skills to suddenly speak Mandarin.

>Justin: [laughing] Are we just gonna pretend like the imp isn't speaking common to us?

>Imp: Ha. I said I came from out of your butt.

>Fitzroy: Yeah, we heard.

>Justin: So we‘re just gonna ignore that?

>Imp: It‘s just that nobody acknowledged my great joke.

another classic grad scene that has everything: travis immediately getting bored of a problem he set up and solving it (by having the imp suddenly know common), clint trying to play the game and throwing out ideas, griffin, for some reason, deciding to shit on that idea, even though while i agree this background wouldn't allow argo to suddenly become fluent in infernal, what griffin describes is essentially exactly what the phb is talking about. an actor can have an ear for language and learn to mimic it by rote memorization. michelle yeoh literally has to do this for memoirs of a geisha because she doesn't speak japanese.

and then travis gets pissy no one is laughing or acknowledging his stupid bit. perfect scene.

because once again travis has latched onto a bit, it doesn't matter that fitz is providing a credible threat vis a vis rampant imp murder, this imp is a rude dude and is going to keep doing the exorcist bit but worse. which does lead to griffin casting shocking grasp and just hoping he doesn't do enough damage to kill it because griffin doesn't know about declaring non-lethal attacks

>Imp: I've had worse shocks from the carpet and touchin‘ doorknobs. Heh heh heh heh heh.

>Fitzroy: You're going to die. Like, do you get it?

>Imp: [makes another long fart noise]

>Fitzroy: Does anyone else want to try—like, I've tried—you're gonna die. Like, we‘ll kill you.

>Imp: [continues farting]

this genuinely sucks. like don't no-sell your players like this especially with some bitchass grunt creature. like how are you justifying this behavior? it would be one thing to do this and then call for a history or arcana check or what have you, and explain that imps are from the infernal plane and the bodies they have in the material plane are constructs, so this imp does not fear death, but that doesn't happen. this imp just isn't afraid to die for no reason whatsoever. well, that's not true, the reason is because griffin wants to know where these imps came from and travis wants that to be a big cutscene reveal so he under no circumstances can allow griffin to succeed here, which is why no intimidation roll is ever called.

oh my god this scene keeps going. it is that above exchange but they keep repeating it because they are all so bad at improv

griffin releases the imp from mage hand as a show of good faith in a different negotiation tactic, and travis says the imp attacks them and then turns invisible. they are obviously still in initiative order you fuck and even if they weren't, an attack begins a new round of combat which means that the imp is then restricted by the action economy and cannot both attack and turn invisible in the same turn TRAVIS

>Griffin: Does it look like—I want to investigate and make sure. Did it look like this imp was like, going through medical records? Or did it look like it just trashed this office?

>Travis: Just trashed. There doesn‘t seem to be any—you don‘t even have to investigate to see that it doesn‘t look like there‘s any order or method to it whatsoever. Poirot would be very disappointed.

for once in the like 10 hours they have been playing, one of his players actually sounds engaged, so travis decides to no-sell everything that player tries to do and won't even let him roll for it.

45 minutes into this mission:

>Justin: What are we trying to do again?

they're in a room with a locked safe, and argo tries to lockpick it

>Clint: Well, then, I should try to open the other [safe].

>Travis: Okay. Uh, make a dexterity saving throw for me.

>Clint: A 15… plus… dexterity… six.

i was going to stop here and point out this shouldn't be a save, it's clearly a check, but then the next words out of travis's mouth indicate that this roll is actually not related to opening a locked safe at all, but to arbitrate what happens immediately after:

>Travis: Okay. As you open it, it ignites a fireball trap within that shoots across the room, but you are able to dodge out of the way at the last minute, and it strikes the wall opposite you. The safe is empty.

travis's dm "style" can probably be best summed up as "whatever it takes to make my players feel like an asshole"

>Travis: Um, so. The door to Dr. Nox‘s office is locked, but you are able to use the skeleton key. I also, because I am a kind and benevolent DM, assuming that you are locking all of these doors behind you so that you don‘t have to check any of them again.

fuck off. IF LOCKS CAN STOP IMPS HOW ARE THEY EVEN IN THIS STUPID FUCKING HOSPITAL

for that matter, that means they can just ignore any locked door why did you give them a skeleton key if APPARENTLY locking a door will prevent imps from entering

cont