the hardest goodbye
sorry for the long post, writing things out helps, especially through this difficult period in my life.
i had to say goodbye to my baby boy Duke this past friday. to say im a wreck would be an understatement. i don’t think i’ve cried that hard in such a long time, to the point where i couldn’t breathe at all.
i don’t know what happened. i know huskies are prone to mobility issues but he ended up developing either IVDD or degenerative myelopathy (we never tested to confirm but that’s what he vets suspected). the decline was quick. he was not the most stable walker anyway (he had 7 different epilepsy medications & a few of them gave him ataxia) but i didn’t think it would get this bad.
he had surgery to remove a growth on on his butt (that turned out benign) back in 2024 & for some reason he couldn’t walk for 2 weeks after that. i thought he just had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia bc of his epilepsy but the vet that operated on him that day still doesn’t know what happened. he regained his ability to walk after the 2 weeks, almost like it never happened. but clearly something did, and that’s how he ended up where he was 2 months ago. we tried acupuncture, underwater therapy, laser therapy etc for a couple weeks but by that point he couldn’t even walk on his own. he started developing a head tilt as well that made it difficult for him to even hold his head up to eat his food or drink water.
everyone was seeing his decline & his depression except me. he would still get excited about treats, going in the car or even just being outside for a bit (while we carried him fully with a harness), that made me want to keep trying for him, as i’ve always done. but one day at physical therapy, he didn’t want to do anything, he was so tired. and that’s when it ultimately hit me. my independent & stubborn boy had turned into a fully dependent & depressed shell of what he used to be. i had been crying on & off for those 2 months of decline, it was like my body knew what was coming but my mind wasn’t ready. making the appointment was so hard, i wanted to cancel it so bad but i knew i couldn’t.
we had a vet that he’s familiar with come into the house & put him down. he needed 2 shots of the sedative because he wouldn’t calm down, he is stubborn after all. when she gave him the last shot, it was quick, like he just drifted off to sleep. i was the last person he saw before he closed his eyes, his beautiful icy blue eyes that i will never see again. i find comfort in knowing he saw my face before he left this world, but im constantly reliving that moment, it was the most painful thing i’ve had to experience in my life.
he was 11 1/2, his 12th birthday would’ve been in august 💔 he was 8 weeks & i was 18 when we got him, he’s been with me almost every day since then. im turning 30 in july & i was hoping he would make it till then but he wouldn’t have… not in his condition. we still have his collar, leash & harness hanging on the bannister of our steps; i’ve been saying goodnight & giving them a kiss like i used to do with him every night. the tumbleweeds of his hair are still around the house, his hair is still entangled in my clothes, stuck in my hair, my car is full of it too. i can’t bring myself to ever get rid of it, which is ironic bc we always tried to get rid of the dog hair when he was alive. i keep hearing his whines downstairs in the middle of the night too, at least i hope it’s him.
i love & miss you so much Duke. i hope you know that i tried everything that i could to make you better, but it didn’t work this time. i hope you’re up there running free & having so much fun 🩵