got blackout drunk, stole a man’s rubber butt from under his bed, and somehow the story gets worse
About a year ago I met this guy who worked across the street from my bar. When his place closed, he’d come over sometimes and one night he gave me his number. We hung out, got absolutely BLACKOUT drunk, and I went back to his place.
Next morning I’m trying to find my phone and I’m looking everywhere. I look under his bed and I find… I don’t even know how to explain this. I’m posting the picture because unless you’ve seen one before, words won’t do it justice. It was one of those realistic rubber sex toys that looks like an actual person’s lower half. I stared at it like ???????
Anyway I tell my best friend and coworkers because I thought it was the funniest thing I’d ever seen.
Now here’s where this becomes a story I can’t defend.
I hung out with him AGAIN, got drunk AGAIN, slept over AGAIN. We didn’t even hook up this time. Next morning I drank two of his beers, looked under the bed… and stole it.
WHY? I genuinely do not know. I think I wanted to show my friends because we all thought it was hilarious. I’m not proud of this.
My friend picked me up and I had this giant rubber thing in the backseat of her car. She held onto it for two days. And for reasons I will NEVER understand, she decided to CLEAN IT because she thought it got dirty rolling around in her car.
Guys.
Old stuff started coming out of it.
My best friend and I were standing there looking at each other like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Later my niece came over (before anyone freaks out, I’m 26 and she’s 23 and we’re basically best friends), we got drunk, showed my brother, my brother thought I had completely lost my mind.
Then for the rest of the day this thing was on my apartment floor and I was literally kicking it around like a basketball because it jiggled and looked ridiculous. But the SMELL? Horrific. Like biological warfare.
That night more friends came over, I pulled it out, everyone almost threw up, and I finally threw it away. I couldn’t even take the garbage out myself because it was so heavy.
Also apparently when my friend picked me up after I stole it, I was walking out wearing one shoe and one of his hoodies (which he also never got back), and she said I was tipping over because this thing weighed so much.
Then like two weeks later he called me talking about MY drinking habits. Sir??? I told him to go fuck himself because he drank just as much.
Then I downloaded a TextFree app and sent him a picture of his missing item sitting in my friend’s car.
Months later I ran into him at the casino and he goes, “Did you send me something?” I tried to play dumb for a minute and eventually admitted it. He goes, “What did you do with it? Show all your friends?”
Reader: yes. Yes I did.
I lied and said no.
Anyway I don’t really drink anymore and the last time I got that drunk was over 6 months ago. But I still randomly remember this story and think… what the hell was actually wrong with me???
Everyone tells me I need to share this story and make podcast and stuff. I never thought about writing until my friend said something so enjoy!!