u/uiiibaza

short vent post but wtv. Literally got all pretty and excited for us to hang out once I finished showering and everything only for him to basically ditch me for a few hours to play with his guy friends. A game he literally doesn’t even like by the way. At least that’s what he tells me. Whatever. So actually annoying. I don’t even have anyone else to talk to meanwhile he gets to have so much fun with his stupid friends. I can’t believe he actually just ditched our plans.

I feel so stupid for getting all worked up about it but seriously. He knows I don’t have anyone I only have him. He’s so stupid I swear he hates me and that’s why he does this. He manipulates me into treating him the way he likes I know he prefers me when I’m more dominant. Yet leaves me anyways. I hate it. I hate it so fucking much I hate it. So fucking stupid I’m so stupid.

Please no psych advice or “help”, I just want to rant.

This past week I almost made an attempt on my life more than once. I don’t really know how else to say other than to just say it. It was really hard. All my emotions felt like they were turned up 100x to the point where I made some bad choices socially and physically. I don’t really have any other place to talk about this.

My fp brought it on basically. They called me draining during this episode and I just lost it. Everything got louder and nothing made sense anymore. I was so drained the entire day and I had the worst migraine. I just wanted it all to stop. To try and make it better, they started saying stuff that eluded to possessiveness I guess. They always do that and I know it’s fake. I know they don’t obsess over me or feel possessive of me like I do them. It only hurts more when they say stuff like that because I know it’s an attempt to make me feel better and I know they don’t really mean it. It feels like a play on my emotions to just gain favor when they know in the moment it’s them I’m upset with. It just stings.

Now in the aftermath of it all I just feel bruised and beaten. I know he doesn’t mean the things he says to me. Yet I want to believe it so badly. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know if I try and indulge it’ll only result in more hurt. I know I can’t keep waiting for someone to save me. I used to think it was him. I thought he would be the one to save me from this but it feels like I’m keeping myself in a cage he created and abandoned. I feel like such a useless thing, less than human. I just want to be suffocated in love but I know that’s a silly thing to want.