Sexually frustrated. Thinking about sex constantly, but there's no actual libido or physical responses.
30F. I have always had painful sex. Suspected nerve ending issue, the painful spots are at the south of the entrance. So, during penetration, it feels painful at the entrance and basically like nothing/borderline numb any deeper in. I believe it explains any hint of libido I have instantly dies as soon as I actually have sex/get penetrated.
I am scared I'm going to ruin several relationships at once. I currently have a very loving FWB, my best sex yet, even though it's still overall disappointing and something I always want to be over; I stopped wanting it from the first time we had sex after seeing that no matter how much foreplay we did, it led to the same painful penetration like in my previous long term relationships. I am ashamed to admit that I am fantasising about others lately, but I know that I would be leaving him to experience the same disappointment - just with a different man. Just like what happened to all relationships where I was the breakup initiator.
In total, I have had sex with 7 men. All very different sizes and personalities. Some 1+ year long, some hookups. I feel empty, like I can't even enjoy a hedonistic life when I try - I don't want short term flings, I just get tricked by my body in the "crush" stage and then it all just dies at penetration. I have been to gynecologists, they are overall useless (one even told me to drink wine, I wish I was joking), and it's no longer worth the stress.
I think I am extremely sexually frustrated, yet I can't actually feel a response, my body experiences zero sensation. I am just thinking about sex constantly, in my head, watching myself enjoy something I never had enjoyed to begin with, and feeling nothing, just empty and depressed. It's getting so bad, worse and worse every year. I feel like I can't handle it, it's making living difficult.
I feel tortured by my own brain. I can't focus on anything else. Why don't I feel anything when I'm essentially obsessing over sex at this point? I don't understand. It's all so unfair.