u/spooky_bayou_stuff

If your local crematory had mushrooms eating the cooler? Like if your mawmaw was in a cooler with fungal friends. Would you want to know?

ETA: mushrooms grow inside to outside. So the cooler foam is becoming high grade, organic, eco mushroom foam slowly but surely

Just asking cause the funeral homes don't seem to care, and I am pretty sure the funeral board is a good ole boys club from what I heard

Btw this same crematory has had to call the fire dept a few times, because the hydraulic lift they called a PC repair guy to fix isn't working, presumably because hydraulic lifts are not computers

Anyway without this $30k+ piece of equipment it can be easy for small people to get a decedent stuck in a retort run too hot for too long. Makes the floor uneven

Anyway I was considering doing a small writeup on the industry since I am sure I am blacklisted locally anyway for aggressively following rules, but I don't want to be a mortuary influencer or some bs

So, if people actually want to know then I probably have a few unsavory details I could collect and properly write up because imho they materially affect you guys

Also word on the street is over a year ago an funeral director bugged a funeral home. Including woman's bathrooms?

I can't say which one and risk libel/slander/etc nor am I detective so I can't exactly investigate that myself, but I will say the person in question has a history of controlling/surveilling/subtle info gathering behaviors in general

Anyway I meant for this to be a short post but apparently I had a couple things that have been bothering me

Do you feel like you work a bit in a zoo, but with less rules? Whale-eyed service dogs barring you from a room?

Might I propose: The Safari Squad

We have:

- sick outfits (all taken from The Wild Thornberrys)
- tranquilizer guns
- blow darts for subtle operations
- training in handling wild animals, people, and tranquilizer guns
- name tags identifying our role in maintaining stability when "Law and Order" becomes "Lord and the Flies" + Ace Ventura

The Safari Squad will be billable by the quarter hour, with several deeply considered surcharges

Billable Items

"Sound and Nuisance" surcharge -- Decibels are billable. Any sound exceeding 100db will be charged +$1 per decibel per minute per person, animal or machine, with emotional damages considered

Emotional distress is billable at +$50 per tear

- "What Is Happening" surcharge - flat $200 if it takes us more than 3 seconds to identify the problem due to chaos

- "That Doc Needs Sleep" surcharge - if physicians look tired, we bill for overworking people

- "Too Many People in the Hallway" surcharge - +$1000 surcharge per patient per hallway

- "Stop Talking" surcharge - anyone or animal who talks, interferes with, or distracts the Safari Squad will be billed +$100 for each distracting word, sound or action

Tranq darts from a blow gun are free, we do it for the love of the game

Counts as x2 clinical hours for premeds

The team will be half lawyers and half animal control, so we will be protected both legally and physically.

The Safari Squad prioritizes worker safety first, patient safety second, and is so annoying during billing that ER work culture slowly becomes more reasonable

Thank you for your consideration

If you read this post you can bill your workplace $300 under "Safari Squad Consult Services"