u/someoneoutthere1335

I'm 24F and I'm only realising this now.

School, maths, foreign languages, arts & crafts, hobbies, university degrees, skills. I could never truly learn anything well with pressure and stress. I love learning for the sake of learning, not cuz parents are terrorising me or cuz there's an exam/grades coming up. I always found everything was moving way too fast for me. And it's not to say I'm slow, I understand patterns and logic very well, I just wanna take my time to absorb, practice and learn in depth because I love knowledge, not cuz I have to. I couldn't learn coding for statistics within 4 weeks of my Master's, especially as someone who had "math trauma" from elementary school in the mere sight of numbers and needed a whole ass reapprochment to learning. That shit takes time. But of course your university syllabus won't wait for you so you either catch up or drown. Plus, you're an adult after all.

Same goes for experiences, travel, hangouts, work and relationships. Anything remotely rushed where I feel pushed cuz of time, obligations or hurry I immediately shut off and can't enjoy. I will do it mechanically cuz it has to be done, but it has ultimately lost its meaning for me. My brain cannot follow through.

I live in a metropolis with a lot of rush and fast-paced lifestyle. Everybody panicky, closed off, always on the go, often times rude and stern, lives dictated by clocks, rules, schedules, running to catch trains, trams, metros. Nobody pauses ever. The life we've built has no space for any of that whatsoever. Just pure overstimulation 24/7. Im only realising how im so not built for all that noise and insanity. I commute daily and it has completely fried my nervous system and reflexes. Like it's actually not funny for a 24yo. I have zero energy considering I'm in my peak youth years. Coming from an island in the Mediterranean with slow life, endless sun, enjoyment, happy people taking their time with gathering their ingredients cooking healthy nutritious meals, enjoying coffee gatherings, companion, nobody running anywhere, appreciating stillness with joy and taking stuff for what it is... Modern life is all about wanting everything fast, ready, now, in the moment. The human element is essentially fading away, I'm seeing it more and more all around me folks looking and acting brain-fried, almost non-human, not much different from bots really. Interactions don't feel real anymore, people don't feel real anymore.

Im wondering if living on autopilot like this makes people enjoy moments of their life which are worth enjoying, or whether their dopamine receptors are completely destroyed. I've been living for 6 years outside of my home country and all this overstimulation of urban big city life has completely numbed me to the point I'm starting to question why everybody has turned so desensitised (myself included). I rarely get pleasure from anything anymore. The burnout and disillusionment are so real. Imagine looking back at milestones you achieved and literally not even remembering or feeling anything about it. Or that it happened in the first place. Everything feels so fleeting, so insignificant, so easy to forget and move on from. My days are wasted on public transport commuting, rushing to manage and eat quick during my breaks, running to class, to work, to the train station, to catch the bus, to have the energy to cook at night for tomorrow, to shower, aaaand wake up early to do it all over again. Additionally, you see how there are no accommodations for the elderly or people with disabilities. Nobody wants to wait, you see it daily, everybody is impatient and gets all irritated when someone is slower or needs more time/help to catch up. Im seriously thinking what the heck has capitalism done? It's all either you move fast or get left behind.

If you were to ask me what success or my version of happiness looks like, I would tell you to have enough money/resources to support that very lifestyle (not because I'm thirsty or greedy). Be the master of my own time, pace, and terms. Reside in my ideal location and be present for my loved ones, doing things that truly matter. Evolving as a person, taking care of my body and spirit. Engage in activities that make me feel alive and connected to who I am instead of prioritising all the madness and stress-inducing shit for survival. A regulated nervous system, a seafront home, calm low-lighting, relaxing jazz/soulful house music, taking my time to cook fresh with all my love and dedication, spend time with my dogs, not waking up every morning with an insane anxiety knot on my stomach worrying about money, deadlines, commute, meetings, or co-living with toxic people who spike up my cortisol from the second I open my eyes in the morning. Growing my own food in my garden, watering my plants, returning back to my passions of painting, reading, writing, creating music. Nowhere to go, not feeling chased. No disgusting alarm sounds making my body shake, not being told what to do or where to be, not being interrogated or having to be held accountable for whatever choices I have/haven't made, not being forced to abide by anyone's rules or schedules. Not feeling guilty for living slow and enjoying.

I cannot tell you how hard this is starting to hit as I'm approaching full frontal lobe development...