New tech doubts
I'm a new tech, out of school in the last year, been at my first job for the past 5 months. I'm (frustratingly, to everyone) still in and out of "orientation" because I keep making stupid mistakes, am not fast enough with passing, or anticipating next steps, get easily distracted, struggle with things like draping and cord management, throwing away things wordlessly set aside but meant to be specimens (or passing them off too soon), and I haven't been as assertive initiating counts, retrieving instruments, wanding and the like. My experience actually working instead of being a student at clinicals has me wondering if I'm really not built for this sort of work.
For some context, I work at a women's hospital as part of a larger university hospital. A typical work week is a lot of GYN, some general, some plastics, occasionally the curveball random other specialty. The staff is small and the expectation is new hires will be ready to be on their own within the first 30-45 days. They've been accommodating me with an extended orientation because everything was still pretty new to me, but just as they start giving me more freedom, I'll make a mistake that has them watching me again. This has been going on so long they've sat me down recently and said I have two weeks to prove I can meet expectations completely on my own or they're going to let me go.
So that's stressful! But it's got me wondering *why* I just can't seem to keep up. Thinking about what it's like in my head during the case that causes me to stumble so, and getting called in, I realized some things. Like intellectually, I know stuff, but pressure often makes me go stupid in the moment. I hate it. Like I *know* the difference between a free tie, stick tie, tie on a pass, but when 14-years-of-experience surgeon is staring me down and a freshly amputated limb is bleeding, I don't know if it's a dose of the auditory processing disorder or what but I'll hear "tie", incorrectly extrapolate the rest, and get chided when it's not what they just asked for. Or they'll say "crile" and I'll hear "five" and look foolish when I reply "five what?" And if I ask for clarification they get pissy anyway because I'm holding up the surgery with stuff I "should" know. I don't know the fix for that. I can get more experience with any particular surgery, but pressure is on no matter what, as well as a ton of ambient noises in the room to muddy communication. Pressure also makes me hasty, and hasty makes terrible wasty, especially in the OR.
That also makes me terrified of real emergency situations, which can happen at *any* time in surgery. Like I wouldn't want to be the one on the line when (not if) shit goes down. Not even for selfish reasons, not because I don't care, but because I just know I will fail them in some critical moment, and I don't want to put anyone through that.
So what do I do? I'm still giving it my best every day and still find myself falling short. It's gotten to the point that I'm weighing the options of other jobs because it feels like it's coming. I have a PRN CNA position still at the old hospital I worked at, but I've really wanted to get away from bedside in becoming a surgical tech. I could do sterile processing. It's something that was covered by my clinical education, so I would be using my degree, and I think I would do a lot better at tasks that I can focus on singularly and meticulously without someone breathing down my neck about it demanding something NOW. My recruiter advised me it would be a steep pay cut, though (and I haven't yet made it to the 6 month mark where I can be "allowed" to transfer to different departments anyway--not that that will matter if they, you know, fire me). I feel endoscopy/GI tech wouldn't be bad either. It's mainly various scopes, practically no procedure is really sterile, I would still take an active role in them, and the docs seem a little bit more chill overall. Codes and other emergencies can still happen at any time, of course, but I imagine it's a lot rarer of an occurrence.
I suppose the point of this post is to vent after a hard week, seek perspective from other more experienced techs, and process options by writing them out. How much did you struggle starting out? How did you overcome it, and when?