I Can't Believe It
I am 55, and I was widowed over 20 years ago, 2003 to be exact. I was 32, had a 6 month old baby, and it was really hard.
I raised my child. I remained when my kid was 7. I dated that guy for 3 years. We divorced 2 years ago. To say I have experienced loneliness is the understatement of the century. Being widowed with a baby suddenly was traumatic. But, nothing prepared me for the aftermath of my divorce. My ex husband did not love my son. He gaslit me when I asked if he loved him and showed concern for their relationship. So, I divorced him. That was the straw. The camel was limping by then and struggling to walk. But, realizing he truly did not love my kid was the straw. We were married 14 years. I was married to my late husband 9 years.
I have now met someone and been dating them for 8 months. I am madly and deeply in love. I did not know or remember this feeling. It's incredible. But, I find myself not believing it's real. That it's a figment of my imagination. That I will wake up and it will all be over. I have wondered if anyone else is this way,not believing in it. Fearing it falling apart. I've broken up with him multiple times, only to realize I was just running. But, when people ask me about him, I feel like I'm describing something so wild and crazy. I get nervous and silly. Really afraid of sharing. But, I also want everyone to know. I am ready to share. I feel like this can't possibly be happening to me. For all the years I was married to my second husband, I resolved myself to being disappointed. I could stay positive and hopeful, because he was "not too bad". But, Not too bad was cold as ice. And it hurt. It hurt to not have someone understand your need to love your kid, to get jealous of your kid, to force you into misery over choosing.
I chose my kid. I should never have had to choose. Gaslight guy was happy to see me struggle. My boyfriend is really partner material. I hope we can make it work. My son has not accepted him. I hope he will in time.