u/shadymissileclown

Hello again, dear TikTokians…

We have a few new players on the board this week! How very exciting!

Everyone welcome Gummy to the perpetual hellscape that is the trans debate tok circuit - along with her super unbiased mod “Tony Tiger”. Tony is a character - he projects like a philbro, but seems to be lacking any of the charisma or rizz so he’s essentially the human equivalent of GHB; you think you’re about to have an engaging debate and the next thing you know, you’re waking up behind a dumpster with a headache and missing your panties. How long do you think it will take Gummy to realize that having Tony Tiger as a mod is going to tank her platform? This author assumes about as long as it will take for every other host to realize that paneling philbros is a one-way ticket to snoozeville and drama…

Or as long as Tony takes to get to his first point. If you’re going to psychologically assault people with your blandness at least have the decency to be quick about it, Tony!

Someone called “The Arena Reporter” seems to think they’re getting quite popular all of a sudden, especially here on the /DebateTok_Snark subreddit. Unfortunately, however, they’re so irrelevant and obscure that this author struggled to find anything about them at all other than their own drunken ramblings. One can only assume that they are yet another self-agrandized, narcissistic shill trying very hard to manipulate the algorithm into bestowing them with some crumb of notoriety and social capital. To each their own, I suppose. 

I for one relish the idea of competition, but seem to find myself in perpetually poor company here.

Minx has been dolling herself up and posing in front of her phone again this weekend, talking about Karen as if anything she has to say matters or makes a lick of difference. Most people tuning in to masturbate don’t even know who Karen is, let alone the shallow and meaningless drama that exists between these two anonymous internet caricatures. Anyone watching Minx’s live isn’t invested in anything other than rubbing one out, anyways... Move on, Minx. You’re too pretty to be this bloody boring and too brunette to be this slow!

Courtney & Karen, meanwhile, seem to be gunning for their big cat hunting licenses! 

No one can really tell if the accusations against the massive cat in question are true, or if he was actually doxxed - even Jaguar himself can’t seem to make up his mind if the allegations are founded or unfounded and if the dox is actually him or not. What is incredibly clear is that Jaguar is a fucking masochist. Why does he continue to come on TikTok and subject himself to these kinds of attacks? Why does he seem to be so obsessed with metaphorically (and literally) showing his ass this way?

Every time he’s on camera he looks like he’s barely holding back tears and about to burst into a swelling chorus of I Dreamed A Dream - complete with a montage of him shaving his own head. We’re going to come online one of these days to find out that he’s removed himself permanently from the picture and everyone is going to immediately begin tying themselves and one another into knots to point the finger and level the blame. 

Jaguar, get the fuck off TikTok or block the psychotic people who continually torment, harass and abuse you.

No one is coming to save you. 

Only YOU can save yourself from these situations and you don’t seem to have any interest in doing that, so stop crying and learn to build and maintain healthy boundaries, please… for all of our sakes. 

All the while Titan, Hope, Minx and Liberated seem hellbent on inserting themselves into the middle of this drama for reasons that escape this author altogether. Perhaps the GCs have a point and there is, in fact, a powerful and innate biological male urge to insert oneself where you don’t belong! Does this mean Liberated is, in fact, a troon after all? Only time will tell!

My god, y’all… it's only fucking Monday... At this rate, I’m going to have to start posting these society pages more often than once a week because you people seem to be genuinely incapable of logging off to touch grass.

Well, well, well… hello dear TikTokians.

It seems we’ve come to the end of yet another week here on our beloved app and, lo and behold, a new pile of existential horse shit has been, yet again, freshly delivered. No one was spared this week! We really have been working overtime to call out, abuse and harass one another! Of course, all in good fun, all in good fun… no one has ill intent, clearly. No one genuinely wants to cause harm or perpetuate harmful stereotypes - as we all know, we’re here to defend and protect!

Some of us are here protecting trans people…

…some of us are here protecting women's rights

…and some of us are really just here to protect our own egos and access to social capital!

But I digress…

Caramia, unfortunately, seems to be sat at the dead center of this week’s hellacious cycle of bullshit - completely against her own will or consent, mind you. The people who defend trans people but revel in every scrap of drama they can get their greedy little seagull hands on were very quick to abandon their fight for trans equality so they could lap up the salacious misinformation about a middle-aged woman’s failing marriage and potential infidelity. I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it is much more important to the cause to dissect one another’s love lives than talk about whether or not trans people have a right to exist. In fact, the very woman in question had recently begun to do just that! And yet… it did not save her from becoming the juiciest piece of cheap meat on the chopping block for all the people she had suddenly become so fond of defending.

And the GCs, oh the GCs… They truly do love to sit up high on their horse, looking down their sharp, anglo-saxon noses at everyone who doesn’t rush to the aid of women of a certain composition - notice how quickly they sided with a large, clearly unstable man and his harassment campaign against his wife and three daughters. Clearly the goal here is to defend women and children from men… unless those women disagree with the prescribed world view and status quo of the moment. Saint Martha and her cult of clavicle-clutching-crones were very quick to cast aspersions on Caramia, but slow to take accountability for their part in the real life harm she is in.

Make no mistake, if harm comes to that woman and her children at the hands of that man… every single one of us has blood on our hands.

Moving over the railroad tracks and into the country, the controversy and psychopathy plaguing the Hopestead & The Potato Patch seems to be ramping back up for another round of shits and giggles. Hope took a brief break from the app, focusing on her mental health and her brood of feathery emotional stand-ins - friends who can’t talk shit about her behind her back and make her uncomfortable in her own space. Honestly, if I was her I’d prefer chickens to transvestites, as well. At least the chickens don’t play victim when they shit all over themselves and each other. Will Hope ever learn to be self-aware and hold the people closest to her accountable for the ways in which they make her so very miserable?

Only time will tell!

Moop & The Muppets seem to be still stuck on the Tessa Train. They must have passed the exit sign a half-a-dozen times this week alone, and still they just can’t seem to get off this kick. They’d rather say weird, creepy shit about tracking down a twenty-something-year-old woman and her children than get off the app for five minutes and find a way to contribute to society. But then again, that’s why I’m here, too… so let me not cast stones from my glass house.

Moving out of the country and into the vibrant city nightlife, Doctor Thottiana is still chasing Lying Lilith around the block, beating that dead horse like it owes her fucking money and somehow failing to understand why people are starting to get bored and tune out. You can only make the same joke about someone soooo many times before it becomes stale and unfulfilling! Learn some new jokes, Doctor! Your audience is hungry and tired of listening to you chastise the lying latina. We get it! She has no identity, it’s why she has to co opt and colonize everyone else's! Why do we have to hear about it while we’re trying to hold Martha & Co. duly accountable for their harm to women, girls and the sacred name of radical feminism?

As if that wasn’t enough, we’ve got multiple groups of “friends” who are caught in the undertow of all these consecutive dramas being absolutely pummeled and ripped to pieces. Stop trying to fuck one another on this app, stop trying to get with random strangers you know nothing about. We get it, we’re all here because we’re sad, pathetic, lonely, horny losers - otherwise we’d be out touching grass and living life. That doesn’t mean we have to skulk around TikTok like unfixed cats, yowling perpetually in the background for someone to alleviate our loneliness.

Until next week, you degenerate hypocrites!

Yours Truly,

Shady Missileclown.