Ode to Control
Life is funny. It’s really funny because the whole world is built upon us, our experiences, our lives. Yet, we don’t have control over them. Every part of our life is created so that we have to fight it for control. From the day you are born to the day you die. Nothing is up to you. So we fight to find ways to beat our lives for control. Yet.. we somehow always fail.
We are not born because of our will. Our parents created us.
We do not die when we want to. We die when we have to.
Oh but if I end my life then that was my choice! Was it? Because that thought did not come out of nowhere did it? No. It boiled deep inside of you. The seed was planted because of a situation in your chaotic out of control life.
You think you fall asleep whenever you want to. Because you are tired, or you took medication or you just had to. You had to.
You have to.
You have to give in. To figure out how to manipulate the world, the world that takes all control from you, and mold it into some semblance to a controlled environment.
When I think of people in control I think of the people who have completely lost it. Lost everything. They are so out of control that in their little meaningless life that they have left, they can control it. So very few people actually have that freedom. I am both impressed, jealous and absolutely terrified to be in their place. Because to reach that place is to give up the whole meaning of control.
I can’t do that. Absolutely no. I am part of the huge percentage of people who are desperately crawling to find that control. To manage the world in a way that they want it to look like. The worse part is, every time you manage to be in control of something, and you lose that, that fall is horrible. It’s not a fall from the top. No. Because getting the control of something means getting used to it. To let your guard down. To not appreciate what you have. What you have managed.
Like a car. Yes, when you are driving you are in control.. or a false control of that vehicle. You can go fast, you can go slow. But in the end you are at the mercy of the car, of the people around you and of your own self. And as soon as you get comfortable. As soon as you take a breath, smile, pick up your family in the car, start driving around the city, the country, the world.. and then - boom!
Crash.
A car came out of nowhere.
Both cars are totaled.
Both drivers paralyzed with fear. With panic.
Breathe.
They look back at their family.
They don’t have any more family.
Why did you take control?
Did you take control?
Funny thing is this control ain’t it.
We are programmed to look for it. And yet when we don’t have it we feel terrible.
We are flawed as machines.
I enjoy doctors. Because they are the purest form of fighting for control.
A patient comes to the hospital. His head hurts. Sure, treat the headache. We are in control of the headache!
The patient takes a step outside of the hospital. Recipe in hand for the pharmacy. He smiles. He falls to the ground. Still smiling. Dead.
What happened?
Did he never tell the doctors he was hit by a car and thought nothing of it because he got some scrapes?
Well, the doctors were in control of the headache. They are good. They did their job. Headache is cured! That man will never ever feel a headache again! Hooray!
Our choices were placed on a path long before we existed. The only difference is that when we are born those choices become concrete. And now our only job is to just walk that path. No longer worried about choices. Everything is under control.
Now that I think about it I feel like the only people who are in full control are dead people. They let go of the path. They went back. They forgot to make decisions. The term dead end is funny to me. Because the end is dead. We walk our little path and then.. end. Dead.
I want to be in control. Really. I absolutely do. But it feels like a charade now.
Wake up. Brush teeth. Wash face. Use the toilet. Do laundry. Cook. Eat. Drink pills. Work. Clean. Eat. Clean. Pills. Shower. Wash face. Brush teeth. Go to sleep.
I can control that! Of course. Until one day I wake up and there is no water. Uh oh. Angry. Mad. Look at news. Why no water? Is it only us? Did we pay the bills? Ugh the only thing I absolutely did not need today! I have a big meeting at work and now everything will fail. Why? Well.. there is no water of course! How will I attend the meeting without water?
Water is back. Panic is over after 5 minutes.
Sometimes the steps forward need to be backed up by steps back.
Two forward, one back. We have a life to live after all. Can’t breeze through it. And sometimes we just need to let other people be in control.
And that is fine.
It is fine.
This is our rest.
Breathe.
You will find something else to control.
And the cycle will repeat.
Don’t be jealous of other people’s faults and failings.
You will get your own.