u/relatable_words

I was 12 i was there for a sleepover
I was friends with your daughter we were in the same class
I was playing sims on the computer in your daughters room
It was 2 am you were way to drunk
You tried to sit me in your lap i stood up
You sat in the chair right next to me
You pretended to be interested in the game i was playing
It started with your hand on my thigh
It moved up slowly under my shorts
You shushed me
As if you knew it was wrong 
As if you could tell i was scared
At that point i froze
You squeezed my chest
I was 12
I was scared i was frozen i was fighting back tears
It felt like it was hours
It was only 5-10 minutes
I couldnt breathe 
I was trying not to shake only so you wouldnt know i was scared
Then it stopped
Your wife was looking for you
As you shot up out of the chair a single tear fell down my cheek
I waited a minute then i heard you puking in the bathroom
Coast was clear
I poked her
“Sandra” i whispered shaking trying to get the words out
“I need to go home”
I was so nauseous and felt bad leaving
She kept asking why 
All i could say was something happened
All i could muster up to say after was “something only adults should do”
I ran out the door
2 am october 13th it was raining 
I only lived a few houses down but i left my shoes, clothes, my favorite blanket 
I pounded on the door over and over
Finally someone answered
His son was at my house for a sleepover with my step brother
I ran upstairs without a word waking up my step sister
“Why are you home” she snapped 
“Because if it happened to you, youd come home to”
I couldnt say nothing else i rolled to my side and silently cried, feeling sick until i fell asleep
I went to washington with him
I went camping with him
My younger sister stayed the night there
What if it was her?
I for sure couldnt tell anyone?
Would anyone believe me? 
Questions flooded my mind i couldnt go to school
I showered a ton and still to this day 
Im almost 22 
And i still think about it 
All because of men like you

reunified after 3 years

silence

no contact

silent drive home

3 hours long

after all this time you still love me

i love you too

you saved me

you held me

you cared more than anyone

you love me

i love you too

you showed me this trick for public outings no pda

hands intertwined 3 squeezes "i love you"

4 squeezes back "i love you too"

it was meaningful, special even

something for me and you

now when anyone squeezes my hand

my thigh

my arm

i think of you

even apart, we dont speak anymore

when i am squeezed i repeat it

silently to myself

"i love you"

"i love you too"

To my bestfriends
One day our best times
Will be distant memories
Long drives to nowhere
Blasting our favorite songs
And were screaming every word
To my bestfriends
One day instead of saying see you tomorrow
We will be planning for next september
And that wont seem so far away
We will have little ones depending on us
relationships to hold onto
To my bestfriends
I will think of you often
You will always be my favorite part of this chapter
There wont be a day i dont remember you
Long talks
Roadtrips 
And shopping sprees
To my bestfriends
Who i had the best time of my life with
I will scroll threw our pictures
And maybe even have a few on the mantle
My kids will ask who the people in the pictures are
I will smile with invisible tears 
And tell them about the family i no longer have
But will always be in my heart

Somewhere between then and now we stopped texting
Stopped calling when something exciting happened
Stopped planning a crazy future with eachother in it 
And making plans based on your work schedule
Even though were farther apart than we ever have been before
I still miss you
I miss your smile
Your laugh
Your voice
The stupid look youd give me while i was being my goofy self
Somewhere between then and now we grew up
On separate paths
Living separate lives 
Lives that are so different from what we talked about
But i never thought it could be this way 
I never thought when something happened
Something good
Something bad
That when i picked up the phone 
You wouldnt be the one i call
Somewhere between then and now we became strangers
I no longer know where you are  in life
If your happy 
If you finally have your dream job
Or if you even still love me
I look back and smile with teary eyes
And i think to myself 
Maybe in another life
Maybe in another life we continue on in the same story
Maybe in another life we never say goodbye for the last time
But for now i hold our memories close to my heart in a spot only you have access to
And somewhere between then and now i learned to accept that you were just a chapter and maybe we will meet again
I love you 

I remember it like it was yesterday
Waking up at 6am
Getting ready for school
The tv still on last nights program
Id turn on my favorite playlist 
Pick out my best outfit
Or so i thought
Walking to school as the sun rose
The smell of the cold crisp october air
There's something about the season change
You can smell it
I remember it like it was yesterday 
The way my friends greeted me in the commons
They always waited in the same spot
The sound of 100 conversations 
Laughter from every direction
Everyone was always chippery in the mornings
I don't know if it was the excitement of seeing after 12 long hours
Or if it is something more
Something about seeing your friends as if its been ages
It hasn't been that long 
Back then the days would drag
I remember it like it was yesterday
Loud lunches in the crowded cafeteria 
Outlandish conversations about what high school would be
The smell of the food that always smelt better than it tasted
somewhere along the way the group grew smaller
See you tomorrow's turned into see you next fall
But were still close
Even if its through a screen
Now there's few of us that stayed in touch 
But i miss it sometimes
Even though it was years ago
I remember it like it was yesterday.

He didn't hit me
But he left me crying on the bathroom floor
He didn't hit me
But he'd scream in my face
He didn't hit me
But he controlled my every move
He didn't hit me 
But he snatched my phone
He didn't hit me
But he put me down every way
He didn't hit me
But he cheated on me
He didn't hit me
But he made me cut contact with family
He didn't hit me
But he sexually assaulted me
He didn't hit me
But he controlled what i wore
He didn't hit me
Until he did

Addiction is weird 
You use to numb 
You use to stay 
You use to feel
Addiction is weird
One moment your on top  
Not a care in the world
The next you're wishing you weren't here
Not a reason to keep going in sight
And sometimes your not feeling at all
Not happy 
Not sad
Just there
But maybe that's the point
To not feel that excruciating pain of a heartbreak
A loss 
Or even your own feelings
Addiction is weird because its used to escape
You end up trapped for longer than intended
Your stuck in a loop
One more line
One more shot
One more hit
More times than not 
Your one more this 
Or one more that
It turns into i cant stop
Addiction is weird because it hurts more than the thing you were escaping
The thing you used to get away
Is now the thing your trying to escape
But its not as easy as starting in the first place