13+ years of a crush and still can’t let go.
So there is this boy who I have known since childhood and we are family friends but he has always been quiet so we aren’t really close, at all. He has never shown any interest in wanting to be close with me and I excepted that from early on, but it unfortunately did not stop the feelings I have for him. He is perfect though, like seriously out of a book written by a woman. He is tall, insanely intelligent, athletic, handsome to a celebrity level, he can bake, wealthy-ish, like actually perfect. I’m also obviously not the only one who thinks so too. It’s frustrating how perfect he is, my crush is more of a for of idolization. I hate it. I remember everything about him i notice without noticing, I go out of my way to cross paths with him in the hall. He is always there lingering in the back of my mind. I hate it. I try so hard to move on, change my usual routes and talk to other guys but I can’t because I just feel selfish knowing I still like him. And when I talk to guys I immediately tell my mom, knowing she will tell his mom because they are friends. I hate that I act this way and how it feels like I don’t have a choice even though I do, I just truthfully don’t want this feeling to end. I’m afraid I’ll never feel it again. And I really have tried, but I sabotage myself and always end up back in the same place, never actually really leaving. We are graduating in two months, I tell myself it will all be over soon and I can finally be free of my past 13 years I spent solely focused on one person and just move on, but I truthfully don’t want to. I’ve grown comfortable in this state of discomfort I named love or whatever crap it really is. I don’t even know what I want from feeling like this. It’s not a relationship because I don’t even really know him, nor his personality, or if he even has one. I don’t know what I want, and I’m scared if I try and figure it out I will want it even more when I know I can’t have it. I know I just sound like a dumb teenager who will get over this and think back on how silly I was but right now, it has taken over more than half my life so of course I’m feeling this way. I’m tired. I wish I never met him. I wonder how I would have been if I never had to go through this. Would I be happier? Would I know myself better? Truthfully no one knows how much I feel about this person other than myself because I’ve kept it suppressed for so long. It wasn’t even suppressed, it just kinda floats around like a burp that won’t come out. My ability to create metaphors is just as good as my ability to handle this situation but at least I’m self aware… haha… I need to get over myself.